@DemetriMartin
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

@BoobsRadley
Umlaut is a pretty fancy word for what are basically just little letter nipples.

@FilthyRichmond
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

@Schmoodles
Hell is an eternity of being sober in a room full of drunk people.

@JoshuaWithers
Have you seen the Australian version of Breaking bad? He get's cancer and Medicare covers his costs and the series ends.

@juliussharpe
It's hard to fall asleep because I don't trust myself to not die.