Jul 17 2019 Reply Favorite Retweet
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Jul 13 2019 Reply Favorite Retweet
your mid 30's is wild b/c you'll see someone and assume they're 10 years older than you but they're one year younger and you'll see some 14 year old at the bank but they're actually 26 and processing mortgage applications
Jul 13 2019 Reply Favorite Retweet
A woman just stormed into this bar while I was doing standup, threw her purse down, and screamed “IM LEAVING MY HUSBAND” and everyone applauded. God left this city long ago.