We at Fun Tweets have been keeping track of funny tweets in special collections all throughout the year, so presented without further ado, here is 2012 as told through funny tweets.
First Day of the Year Full collection
Starting off 2012 the right way
Don't forget to take photos of the fireworks tonight guys using your iPhones. Images of black sky covered in white dots take my breath away.
— designersays (@designersays) December 31, 2011
If I could have just one wish for the New Year, it would be that Godzilla returns and devours the fucking Black Eyed Peas.
— Ho Ho Hormonella (@Hormonella) January 1, 2012
I was feeling kinda down until I got a no punctuation mass text from an acquaintance that read "happy new year".
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) January 1, 2012
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Full collection
If you're enjoying this day off from work, please take a moment to thank all of our super racist ancestors who made it possible.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) January 16, 2012
Burger King's full name was Burger Luther King Jr.
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) January 16, 2012
I bet Martin Luther King hit the snooze button like 40 times to try & get back to his awesome dream.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 17, 2012
SOPA/PIPA Blackout Full collection
On January 18, 2012, major sites across the web, most notably Wikipedia, were "blacked out" to protest a controversial piracy bill in the United States Congress.
The Wikipedia blackout presents a horrifying picture of a world with no knowledge. So does the Fox News website, which is running normally.
— Andy Daglas (@AndyDaglas) January 18, 2012
Wikipedia has gone dark in protest of SOPA, eliminating the opportunity for anybody to find out what SOPA is.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) January 18, 2012
Relax, guys. The Wikipedia entry for "gullible" is working fine.
— donni(@donni) January 18, 2012
"Lets talk about safe IPs. Let's talk about piracy. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things on your PC." - Salt n' PIPA
— Nick Stadler (@Nickadoo) January 18, 2012
Super Bowl XLVI Full collection
The New York Giants won the NFL championship in the Super Bowl
You dudes gettin' your boners ready for the Go Daddy SuperBowl commercials or what?!?
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) January 31, 2012
And now the Giants will spend the rest of the night being faithful to their wives.
— Joe Veix (@joeveix) February 6, 2012
"--uper Bowl--" "--iants celebra--" "--isappointment in New Eng--" "--elker dropped--" (Me angrily flipping channels today)
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) February 7, 2012
Tom Brady will suffer the experience of crying into Giselle's naked body.
— The Fake ESPN (@TheFakeESPN) February 6, 2012
Valentine's Day Full collection
“How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) January 31, 2012
With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Lonely People Halloween."
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) February 13, 2012
Roses are red, chicken is good, pot roast is good, gravy is good, fudge is good, pie is good.Happy Valentines Day Christina Aguilera!
— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 14, 2012
Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 14, 2012
I dream of a world where actors are as fascinating as they think they are. #Oscars
— Jon Gabriel (@ExJon) February 27, 2012
These clips of the actors talking about movies reminds us how much they need writers and directors and editors. #oscars
— Michelle Allard (@Filterologist) February 27, 2012
Oscars update: Fashion Police still only pulling over black people. #oscars
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 27, 2012
People throw around the word "hero" too much. Use it for what it's for: a millionaire actor playing a disabled person.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 27, 2012
Snooki's Pregnancy Full collection
Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) March 2, 2012
With Snooki pregnant, the father could be Jionni, Vinny, any other Italian, a Honda Civic, jar of mayonnaise, toothpaste, toohbrush, teeth.
— DJORDY UNCHAINED (@JordyHamrick) February 29, 2012
Snooki's egg was fertilized by a drop of Axe Body Spray
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) February 29, 2012
St. Patrick's Day Full collection
Kiss me, I'm Irish. Also I'm German so don't EVER touch me.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) March 17, 2012
Oh so NOW you all wanna be gingers
— Le (as in The) (@Le_Dentron) March 17, 2012
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.
— Anthony Jeselnik (@anthonyjeselnik) March 17, 2012
Here's a classic Irish drinking game. Never stop drinking.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) March 16, 2012
April Fools' Day Full collection
I played an April Fools' prank on Target where I've been sporadically stealing merchandise for the last 15 years or so.
— MJ (@sucittaM) April 1, 2012
The kids are pouting because the April Fool's Fairy left a turd under their pillows.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) April 1, 2012
April 1st has to be Mr. T's saddest day of the year because that's a lot of fools to pity.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 1, 2012
Very relieved April Fools' Day is over. We can all stop tricking each other for fun & go back to doing it for sex or financial gain.
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) April 2, 2012
Easter is trending, just like the Bible said it would.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) April 7, 2012
My condolences to the children whose mean, vegan parents are making them hunt for painted rocks today.
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) April 8, 2012
It's not 'easter', it's 'more east'. So stupid.
— Ty (@Ty_Schutz) April 8, 2012
Four-Twenty Full collection
420 is a term to refer to the consumption of cannabis and, by extension, a way to identify oneself with cannabis subculture. It is observed especially on April 20.
Stoners seem like they're not too bright.But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
— Shane (@shanethevein) April 20, 2012
What day do we celebrate heroin
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) April 20, 2012
You guys celebrating 420 are missing out, I'm paranoid and unable to complete a thought every day!
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) April 20, 2012
Obama Supports Gay Marriage Full collection
WILD HOMOSEXUAL ORGIES IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM!!! (according to the email my grandma will be forwarding me tomorrow)
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) May 9, 2012
Straight people have been fucking up marriage for centuries. Maybe it's time we stepped aside.
— Jessica (@Schmoodles) May 9, 2012
It's pretty awesome that President Obama supports gay marriage because that's a very brave stance for a Muslim to take.
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBadass) May 9, 2012
Going to mom's house to demand grilled cheese and sh*t my pants. Just like old times.
—Joe Hayes (@mdvaldosta) May 13, 2012
Yo momma's so fat I hope she's still able to enjoy the day with what has to be a limited range of motion.
— Jason Sweeney (@sween) May 13, 2012
My wife is a "stay-at-home Mom" which means she can't join the kids and me at the restaurant for brunch:(
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) May 13, 2012
To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day.Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) May 13, 2012
Women get all the credit for childbirth. But how about us men? We're in there too. All the crying & screaming goin on. It's pretty annoying.
— Aristotles (@AristotlesNZ) June 17, 2012
When I was a kid, I had one of those nets you throw a baseball against and it bounces it back to you. Happy Fathers Day to that net.
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) June 17, 2012
Father's Day was invented by the father industry as an excuse to sell more fathers.
— donni(@donni) June 17, 2012
Miami Heat Wins NBA Championship Full collection
Every bottle waitress in Miami will pay off her plastic surgery debt tonight
— DANCESTADAMUS (@dances) June 22, 2012
Really happy for Lebron. And also Hitler and also Voldermort.
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) June 22, 2012
Congratulations, Miami. If there's one city that could use a Championship right now, it's any of the other cities.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) June 22, 2012
Obamacare Upheld Full collection
On June 28, 2012 the United States Supreme Court ruled the majority of Barack Obama's Affordable Care Act constitutional
Why is the government forcing me to buy something I don't need??-sent from my iPhone
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) June 28, 2012
"Obama care." -The Hulk giving an impassioned speech at an Obama fundraising dinner he hosted
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) June 28, 2012
I'm sad I'll never get the chance to experience Herman "Caincare". I bet there'd have been free penicillin shots and sexy pizza parties.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 28, 2012
IF OBAMA GETS REELECTED I SWEAR I'M MOVING TO *checks list of countries more libertarian than the US* TRANS-SOMALIAN DISPUTED ZONE #TEAPARTY
— Virgil Dreidel Texas (@virgiltexas) June 28, 2012
Fourth of July Full collection
Celebrate Independence Day as you will, but always remember that Jesus died for your fireworks.
— Eric Martin (@BadAdviceNurse) July 4, 2012
Happy-Wear-That-One-Old-Navy-Shirt-From-1999-Day!
— Grace Helbig (@gracehelbig) July 4, 2012
"What's independence?" "Don't worry about it." - men to women, July 5, 1776
— Kristy Grant (@kristygee) July 5, 2012
London Olympics Opening Ceremony Full collection
Olympic Fun Fact: Every member of Great Britain's Olympic team is actually named Nigel.
— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) July 28, 2012
You just know Queen Elizabeth wishes she still owned a lot of these countries...
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) July 28, 2012
BREAKING NEWS: All athletes have withdrawn from the Olympic Games, saying it was, quote: "gay as hell"
— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) July 28, 2012
So far, the opening ceremony is very much how a 10-year-old would explain the UK to a 7-year-old.
— Jason Kottke (@jkottke) July 28, 2012
Olympic Opening Ceremony drinking game: Take a shot every time they announce a country you forgot existed.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) July 28, 2012
I'm fully expecting a fake country to come in with Sacha Baron-Cohen carrying the flag. #OpeningCeremony
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) July 28, 2012
London Olympics Full collection
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Kenyan whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) August 10, 2012
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
— Scott Simpson (@scottsimpson) August 3, 2012
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 31, 2012
If they banned crying and hugging from The Olympics, the whole thing would take a day and a half tops.
— gonnnzo (@gonnnzo) July 30, 2012
China is only winning in the olympics because they made all the equipment.
— James Kelly(@iShagSheep) July 30, 2012
After all the medals Jamaica won in the Olympics there are still stupid people out there who doubt the power of weed.
— E=mc² (@samalmightysam) August 29, 2012
Chick-Fil-A's Anti-Gay Full collection
Fast food chain Chick-fil-A made headlines when its COO made anti-gay comments
KFC v Chick-Fil-A -- gay marriage deserves a better battleground.Are we going to settle immigration at Chipotle?
— ben schwartz (@benschwartzy) August 2, 2012
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) August 1, 2012
Chick-Fil-A believes marriage should only be between a fat man and an overweight woman.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 1, 2012
Romney Picks Paul Ryan as VP Full collection
Paul Ryan is what it would be like if a pair of pleated khakis became a person.
— Barry Rothbart (@barryrothbart) August 30, 2012
Paul Ryan, a man with two first names, is a great choice of running mate for Mitt Romney, a man with no first names.
— Zach Holman (@holman) August 11, 2012
If Paul Ryan popped up in the first ten minutes of a Law and Order episode, you'd be all "oh, he's the killer".
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) August 11, 2012
Mitt Romney Full collection
Oh, what a guy
Make your own Mitt Romney at home by placing a Brooks Brothers tie around a bowl of lukewarm plain oatmeal.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) July 16, 2012
Mitt Romney is the white guy black comics have been imitating since the seventies.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 11, 2012
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 5, 2012
Mitt Romney 2012: He's not half black.
— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) April 4, 2012
Mitt Romney has done a great job of making his religion the least ridiculous thing about him.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) July 30, 2012
"Mmmm!Mild salsa!" --Mitt Romney
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 10, 2012
Before you judge Mitt Romney by his wealth, try walking a mile in his backyard.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) August 14, 2012
Mitt Romney's email password is "Chamomile."
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 31, 2012
If Romney were to somehow get elected, he'd have to be constantly calling Obama so he could know how to do the opposite.
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) September 17, 2012
Campaign stress is getting to Romney. I hear he's up to 4 ginger ales a day.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 25, 2012
Mitt Romney’s favorite character on “The Wire” is The System.
— Lou Sementa (@unsupervised) October 4, 2012
I'm not sure America is ready for a rich, white, homophobic president with a moderately shady business background.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 16, 2012
Todd Akin Talks About Rape Full collection
Missouri Republican Congressman Todd Akin claimed in a television interview that women who are raped legimitately do not get pregnant, causing a firestorm of backlash.
This hardware store is having a "Legitimate Rake" blowout sale wow that was quick
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 19, 2012
Question; in order for rape to be considered legitimate, does it have to be approved by a board of elders or can I just mail in paperwork?
— Lindsay Ellis (@thelindsayellis) August 20, 2012
"I have a good friend who was raped" is the GOP's new Black.
— William K. Wolfrum (@Wolfrum) August 21, 2012
Clay Aiken knows more about women's bodies than Todd Akin.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) August 19, 2012
Snooki Gives Birth Full collection
Snooki's baby was the first ever born with SIDS (Sudden Infant Douche Syndrome)
— Travon Free (@Travon) August 26, 2012
Congratulations to Snooki on giving birth to Danny DeVito.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) August 26, 2012
Snooki gave birth to another 15 minutes.
— Josh Comers (@joshcomers) August 26, 2012
Snooki will be disappointed to discover that her hospital wristband doesn't get her free drinks.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) August 27, 2012
Republican National Convention Full collection
Mitt Romney has won the GOP nomination! So inspiring. The man overcame crushing privilege to make it here.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) August 29, 2012
So the RNC Convention is basically Comic-Con but everyone is dressed like a villain.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) August 28, 2012
Please help, I can't find my wife here at the #RNC. She is an older white lady, and she has a flag pin on her shirt. #GOP2012
— stocking steffer(@boring_as_heck) August 28, 2012
Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad.
— Denis Leary (@denisleary) August 29, 2012
Excited about Clint Eastwood at the RNC. He should know how to appeal to the black voters since he's so old he used to own a few.
— zachary reinert (@reinert03) August 31, 2012
The only time Romney ever cried was when the Joker burned the pile of money in the Dark Knight. #RNC
— Travon Free (@Travon) August 31, 2012
Democratic National Convention Full collection
The Dems should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) August 31, 2012
Notable difference between Republican and Democratic conventions: at the DNC, it's a little startling when they cut to a white guy.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 5, 2012
Michelle Obama takes the stage. "If you'll all look under your seats, you'll find a Ziploc bag of baby carrots: nature's French fries." #DNC
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 5, 2012
Bill Clinton's voice always sounds like he's about to cum. #DNC
— Lauren Greenberg (@LaurenGreenberg) September 6, 2012
If Biden doesn't get a slot on "Dancing With the Stars" after this speech, there is no America.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 7, 2012
How amazing would it be if President Obama turned around and said, "One more thing" and then revealed the iPhone 5? #DNC
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 7, 2012
"Back in 2012, our economy was so bad people skipped work to wait in line for a $500 phone." "Sounds like bullshit, Dad." "It was, son."
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 12, 2012
I hope the new iPhone comes with phone reception.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 12, 2012
If this new iPhone isn't the thing that finally makes me happy then I'm out of ideas.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 11, 2012
Mitt's 47% Video Full collection
On September 18, 2012 a secret recording of a speech Mitt Romney gave was widely circulated. In it, he speaks candidly and dismissively about his opponent and the American people.
Romney's new campaign slogan is "WAIT, DON'T CLICK ON ANY NEWS SITES"
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 17, 2012
This latest gaffe is the worst setback for Romney since the time he spent his whole life failing to learn how to relate to people.
— Jon Lovett (@jonlovett) September 18, 2012
Ah, the Emmys. Could there be a more disgusting display of approval-seeking narcissism? Please retweet.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) September 23, 2012
"Who are you wearing?" is a much more interesting question at the Serial Killer Awards. #Emmys
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 23, 2012
NFL Gets Replacement Refs Full collection
The NFL started off the 2012 season with replacement referees due to a union lockout with the regular refs.
I think all these refs were the people in school who always picked "C" when they weren't sure.
— Patrick Buckley (@BuckShotttt) September 25, 2012
America will love the replacement refs when they're Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi & Kevin James in SCABS (2014, PG-13)
— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) September 25, 2012
After further review, The runner did not touch third base. Touchdown Lakers!
— Ex Replacement Ref (@ObliviousNFLRef) September 25, 2012
First Presidential Debate Full collection
“I was gonna vote for [insert candidate] but after watching the debate I’m going to vote for [that exact same candidate.] - Everyone
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 4, 2012
My plan is to fix the economy. See, I can be president.
— Brian R. (@btriley) October 4, 2012
The first question I want asked at the debate is "what effect is the upcoming election coverage going to have on my TV shows?"
— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) October 3, 2012
Romney prepped for tonight’s debate by debating with a man whose views differ radically from his own: himself from 8 years ago.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 3, 2012
Heard President Obama and Mitt Romney do alot of talking but nobody spoke about the problem of a bag of chips being 60% air only 40% chips
— Previs or Previnardo (@Previs) October 4, 2012
No one’s mentioning that the word “Obama” has a more fun mouth-feel on the way out. “Romney” is a lesser phonetic snack. Huge factor.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 4, 2012
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 8, 2012
why do we celebrate christopher columbus like hi you missed your destination by like 4 billion miles you're the worst explorer ever
— a milania parody (@TheFauxMilaniaG) October 8, 2012
May Columbus rest in peace knowing that many of our sports team names are vaguely racist towards the Native Americans.
— Alex Mann (@alexjmann) October 8, 2012
Vice Presidential Debate Full collection
Biden and Ryan duke it out in the only VP debate of the election
Paul Ryan being coached not to kiss his biceps when asked about "gun control."
— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) October 11, 2012
Joe Biden is currently prepping for tonight's debate by shouting at some mannequins in an Old Navy.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) October 12, 2012
This debate is like the last episode of LOST I don't get anything that's happening but sense it's about good and evil
— Chelsea Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) October 12, 2012
Joe Biden's having a scotch right now while Paul Ryan's mom is putting his "debate participation" certificate on the refrigerator. #vpdebate
— Buck (@buck4itt) October 12, 2012
Second Presidential Debate Full collection
I hate town hall format. "Mr. President, I can't get Windows to recognize my Epson C88, any ideas?" "Reinstall driver and reboot, Ed."
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) October 16, 2012
If Romney asks Obama why he allowed Breaking Bad’s final season to be split in half, this election is over.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 17, 2012
This debate reminds me of when my bro and I started fighting as kids and we both tried to convince my mom that the other one started it
— Blake Griffin (@blakegriffin) October 17, 2012
I'm confused. They haven't shown what number I should text to vote. #debates
— Chris D'Elia (@chrisdelia) October 17, 2012
Third Presidential Debate Full collection
Summary of Debate: "I agree with Obama, but I'd do more but also less, because government can't make jobs, which I'd make." - Mitt Romney
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) October 23, 2012
I wish they had just hired a sassy black woman to snap her fingers every time one of the candidates dissed the other #debates
— LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid (@lolimdrunk) October 23, 2012
I just hope both candidates make it clear they think America is great
— Andy Levy (@andylevy) October 23, 2012
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) November 1, 2012
My neighborhood has really gone down hill. Now it appears the area is full of nothing but very short socialists all looking for a handout!
— Jamie Lindsay (@JamieLindsay) November 1, 2012
For Halloween I'm going as that feeling you get at a store when you try to refold a sweater properly & put it back on the shelf.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 20, 2012
This Halloween, I'm going to scare everyone I know by texting them "We need to talk."
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) October 19, 2012
Hurricane Sandy Full collection
Hurricane update: Thousands left homeless are seeking shelter under Governor Chris Christie.
— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) October 29, 2012
As Sandy approaches and the waters rise, the beaver stands atop his dam, squints stoically at the horizon, and mutters, “She’ll hold.”
— Jason Sweeney (@sween) October 29, 2012
Meteorologists suggesting storm was caused by 3 NYC DJs coincidentally playing Lenny Kravitz songs simultaneously, angering God.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) October 30, 2012
don't worry people affected by hurricane sandy, stacey on facebook says her thoughts go out to you. so everything is okay now.
— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) October 30, 2012
Leading Up To The Election Full collection
Drinking game: take a shot every time someone tweets about the election! (I've been dead for 6 hours)
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 5, 2012
Tomorrow's election feels like the series finale of a show I stopped caring about a while ago.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) November 5, 2012
On the bright side Mitt, this is the last full day that you will have to feign empathy for the American people.
— Jack Mackenroth (@jackmackenroth) November 5, 2012
MSNBC is interviewing undecided voters but it's taking awhile because they keep spilling water on themselves and falling out of their chairs
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) October 17, 2012
You know those women who write love letters to men in prison? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 6, 2012
Obama today is really counting on that once you go black theory.
— Jay Such (@TheSomeGuyShow) November 6, 2012
On your ballot, enter OBAMA-OBAMA-ROMNEY-ROMNEY-DOWN-DOWN-PAUL RYAN-START-SELECT to vote for the secret Will Smith / DJ Jazzy Jeff ticket.
— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) November 6, 2012
Having trouble finding your polling station? I recommend looking for the most depressing building within a mile of where you live.
— Jason Mustian(@jasonmustian) November 6, 2012
I feel like Twitter is a liberal eco-bubble.I want to go join a dialup AOL chat room to see what Romney supporters are saying.
— Matthew Inman (@Oatmeal) November 7, 2012
Thank you, news channels, for showing us results for states that are 1% in.
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) November 7, 2012
“Romney just won Botswana.” - CNN, using Apple Maps for their election coverage.
— Steven Amiri (@StevenAmiri) November 7, 2012
Mitt Romney did create one job, only it was for Barack Obama.
— Mike DiCenzo (@mikedicenzo) November 7, 2012
Excuses are like assholes: they're both on Fox News right now.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) November 7, 2012
Daivd Petraeus' Affair Full collection
CIA head David Petraeus resigned after admitting to an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell
I heard David Petraeus had some honorable discharge.
— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) November 9, 2012
General Penetrataeus knows how to stay on top of a slippery situation.
— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) November 10, 2012
I would like to write a biography about Ryan Gosling.(If you know what I mean.)
— Nell Scovell (@NellSco) November 11, 2012
"Oh! Well that makes sense." - Wife of General Petraeus, after seeing chick he had affair with
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) November 12, 2012
"No!I said that turkey was THE BOMB!" - Pres. Obama, Thanksgiving night, seconds after learning we just bombed Istanbul
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) November 19, 2012
She said "Hand me that oven mitt" and as he pretended to try to lift the whole stove, the Romneys laughed, but not quite as much this year.
— matt (@biorhythmist) November 22, 2012
It is alleged that Guy Fieri was hiding in the turkey Obama pardoned & can thus never be prosecuted for war crimes.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 22, 2012
I love animals so I will only eat turkeys that killed themselves. It would be helpful if you would stuff some vegetables up your butts.
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) November 20, 2012
What's a good app for interacting with my family at the Thanksgiving dinner table?
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) November 21, 2012
RIP everyone’s aunt who gets trampled to death Friday morning trying to save $18 on a Roomba.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) November 21, 2012
Too lazy to go outside for Black Friday, so instead I just threw my TV at the wall and stabbed myself.
— David Weiner (@daweiner) November 23, 2012
My son wanted to go to the zoo so we're just hanging out in the Walmart parking lot.
— Gay-at-home Dad (@GayAtHomeDad) November 23, 2012
End of the World Full collection
The Ancient Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012 prompting many to assume this predicates the end of the world
Anyone know what bar Mayan chicks hang out in? I've got a good line I want to use.
— Gladstone (@WGladstone) December 20, 2012
I feel like "Mayan Calendar" is going to be a really popular baby name in 2013.
— Grace Helbig (@gracehelbig) December 20, 2012
In case of the apocalypse I'm spending one last night with everyone I love. *locks self in bathroom with meatball sub*
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 21, 2012
21st of December... God gets bored of playing Sims, and quits without saving.
— Adam Todd (@AdamTodd310389) December 21, 2012
Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 10, 2012
My favorite holiday tradition is the one when grandma chugs 3 Four Lokos and wrestles the Christmas tree because she says it's talking shit.
— It's Rowlf, Bitch (@iRowlf) December 7, 2012
I wish there was a Christmas movie in which some sort of chaos happens to an unsuspecting family.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 8, 2012
Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 11, 2012
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) December 14, 2011
"Move, Blitzen, get out the way." - Rudacris
— sammy rhodes (@prodigalsam) December 13, 2012