@NotTooBrad
Make sure to post everything you're thankful for on every social network. Don't want people to think you're ungrateful

@ConanOBrien
I granted my turkey a last request, so now I've got to wait while it watches the entire run of "Breaking Bad."

@mattytalks
For those of you who are alone on thanksgiving for $50 I'll call you and ask you why you're not married yet and when you're getting a raise

@jondaly
Look at the people in the room with you. Tomorrow, one of them will die in a Target.

@KevinFarzad
Stay in shape this Thanksgiving by running away every time you see someone you went to high school with.

@BuckyIsotope
*builds time machine* *travels back to first Thanksgiving* *slaps cranberries out of pilgrim's hand* You're not making this a thing

@JRehling
The thing we should all be most thankful for is that we weren't born as Native Americans in Massachusetts in the 1600s. Happy Thanksgiving.

@StevieRyan
Don't forget to post 587 photos of your plate tomorrow since none of us know what turkey or the rest of Thanksgiving looks like

@rare_basement
happy thanksgiving, the holiday when white people complain about our families saying racist stuff and expect everyone to feel bad for us

@jakefogelnest
If your family doesn't accept you this Thanksgiving, remember that you will always find acceptance within your JUGGALO FAMILY.

@dril
my friend nasdaq_oscar says they just let all the pardoned turkeys run around the white house and shit on the carpet. disgrace to the office

@ConanOBrien
I wonder if sales of Butterball turkeys would be as high if they'd used the name MargarineOrb.

@desusnice
Gotta add "we're thankful we survived obama' to the thanksgiving blessing just to get the conversation going

@sammyrhodes
Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year because it’s socially acceptable to get giddy as you talk about all your favorite foods.