Fun Tweets / Tweets about Valentine's Day

buck4itt
While you guys are telling lame Valentine's Day jokes, I'm stockpiling my Abraham Lincoln material. Consider President's Day OWNED.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

meganamram
Valentine's Day really separates the men from the boys, and then separates me from both of them in a third location.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

bazecraze
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

Kyle_Lippert
I was gonna go to Olive Garden for Valentine's Dinner but I just got my tax return so we're doing Red Lobster. Bitches love cheese biscuits.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

shariv67
Turns out these candy hearts are just Plan B pills with "eat me" written on them in Sharpie.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

sucittaM
Sending flowers to your significant other at work is a great way to tell all their coworkers that you used to have $60.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

YUCKYBOT
Roses are black. Violets are black. Life is black. My heart is black. Loneliness. Pain. Screams. A pony died in the forest. I shed no tears.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

robdelaney
Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

robfee
Roses are red, chicken is good, pot roast is good, gravy is good, fudge is good, pie is good. Happy Valentines Day Christina Aguilera!

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

dosesofneurosis
Carefully carving my pills into little heart shapes because I’m festive as fuck.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

Chapinc
In Hallmark. Where is the "I Tolerate You" section?

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

robdelaney
Got my wife a Bubba Gump Shrimp Company sweatshirt & a Newsweek for Valentine's Day.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

chopper4jk
The only Valentine card I got was a restraining order with glitter on it.

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

ThePatrickBauer
Instead of buying a diamond for Valentine's Day, why not have an entire African village slaughtered in her name?

Feb 14 Favorite Retweet

Koo_The_Boy
It's Valentine's Day and I know I can always count on the local cemetery for free flowers.

Feb 13 Favorite Retweet

hipstermermaid
With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Lonely People Halloween."

Feb 13 Favorite Retweet

VerifiedDrunk
Vodka has agreed to be my Valentine.

Feb 13 Favorite Retweet

SCbchbum
It's called St. Valentine's Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn't have the same ring to it.

Feb 13 Favorite Retweet

Coastiefish
If you're single, your Valentine's Gift is not having to buy any bullshit gifts. Embrace it.

Feb 13 Favorite Retweet

canadian_jane
If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

Feb 11 Favorite Retweet

MicheleG_Tweets
I want to make it really special for my husband on Valentine's day, so I'm gonna tie him up... & then watch whatever I want on tv.

Jan 31 Favorite Retweet

JimGaffigan
“How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day