@AbbyHasIssues
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Tweets by @AbbyHasIssues added on Fun Tweets.
Follow @AbbyHasIssues
@AbbyHasIssues
I just grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try so I guess now I’m in the business of making miracles happen.
I just grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try so I guess now I’m in the business of making miracles happen.
@AbbyHasIssues
Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive retirement account. Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.
Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive retirement account. Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.
@AbbyHasIssues
It's 8 p.m. on Sunday. Do you know where your anxieties about unpleasant hypothetical situations for the upcoming week are?
It's 8 p.m. on Sunday. Do you know where your anxieties about unpleasant hypothetical situations for the upcoming week are?
@AbbyHasIssues
If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
@AbbyHasIssues
I grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try and I've never felt more drunk with power.
I grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try and I've never felt more drunk with power.
@AbbyHasIssues
I've never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that's running 15 minutes over time.
I've never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that's running 15 minutes over time.
@AbbyHasIssues
No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
@AbbyHasIssues
Congrats high school grads! Look to your left, look to your right. These are the people you'll be avoiding on Facebook for the rest of your life.
Congrats high school grads! Look to your left, look to your right. These are the people you'll be avoiding on Facebook for the rest of your life.
@AbbyHasIssues
It doesn't take much to make me happy. Six meals a day. Ten hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no social obligations whatsoever.
It doesn't take much to make me happy. Six meals a day. Ten hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no social obligations whatsoever.
@AbbyHasIssues
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I found $5 in the pocket of my spring coat and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I found $5 in the pocket of my spring coat and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
@AbbyHasIssues
The most unrealistic thing about HGTV shows is that nobody ever uses a butter knife as a screwdriver.
The most unrealistic thing about HGTV shows is that nobody ever uses a butter knife as a screwdriver.
@AbbyHasIssues
I correctly lined up the two sides of a Ziploc bag on the first try I’ve never felt more drunk with power.
I correctly lined up the two sides of a Ziploc bag on the first try I’ve never felt more drunk with power.
@AbbyHasIssues
Never trust anyone who can parallel park without having to turn down the radio.
Never trust anyone who can parallel park without having to turn down the radio.
@AbbyHasIssues
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I've been "getting ready to dust" for the past two weeks.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I've been "getting ready to dust" for the past two weeks.
@AbbyHasIssues
Got a new tube of toothpaste and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
Got a new tube of toothpaste and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
@AbbyHasIssues
I threw old kale under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water.
I threw old kale under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water.
@AbbyHasIssues
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. Typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. Typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
@AbbyHasIssues
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
@AbbyHasIssues
Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite spatula now.
Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite spatula now.
@AbbyHasIssues
I threw old kale under my feeder and now the chipmunks are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water.
I threw old kale under my feeder and now the chipmunks are walking around in yoga pants and requesting coconut water.
@AbbyHasIssues
“Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” is actually a song about everything that will hurt when you hit about 30 years old.
“Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” is actually a song about everything that will hurt when you hit about 30 years old.
@AbbyHasIssues
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
@AbbyHasIssues
It might take more muscles to frown than to smile, but it takes even less to completely avoid eye contact in the first place.
It might take more muscles to frown than to smile, but it takes even less to completely avoid eye contact in the first place.
@AbbyHasIssues
My style speaks for itself. For example, today it says, “You probably shouldn’t go out in public dressed like this.”
My style speaks for itself. For example, today it says, “You probably shouldn’t go out in public dressed like this.”
@AbbyHasIssues
Them: What would you do if you knew that you couldn't fail? Me: Probably eat spaghetti while wearing a clean gray sweatshirt.
Them: What would you do if you knew that you couldn't fail? Me: Probably eat spaghetti while wearing a clean gray sweatshirt.
@AbbyHasIssues
Being an adult is mostly hurrying up to get to places you didn’t want to go in the first place.
Being an adult is mostly hurrying up to get to places you didn’t want to go in the first place.
@AbbyHasIssues
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead, I would choose someone who is dead so I didn’t have to listen to them chew.
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead, I would choose someone who is dead so I didn’t have to listen to them chew.
@AbbyHasIssues
I don’t need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.
I don’t need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.
@AbbyHasIssues
I thought by this point in my life I would know what to do with my arms when I sleep, but nope, still confused.
I thought by this point in my life I would know what to do with my arms when I sleep, but nope, still confused.
@AbbyHasIssues
I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live my life.
I generally avoid confrontation, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this serving size suggestion tell me how to live my life.
@AbbyHasIssues
I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.
I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.
@AbbyHasIssues
You say "bed." I say "horizontal worry pod of nocturnal overanalysis." Let's not get caught up in semantics.
You say "bed." I say "horizontal worry pod of nocturnal overanalysis." Let's not get caught up in semantics.
@AbbyHasIssues
They're demanding figgy pudding. They won't go until they get some. What do I do? Call the cops? I'm calling the cops.
They're demanding figgy pudding. They won't go until they get some. What do I do? Call the cops? I'm calling the cops.
@AbbyHasIssues
The only problem with shopping online is that you can’t sit on a bench in the mall and judge everyone else who walks by.
The only problem with shopping online is that you can’t sit on a bench in the mall and judge everyone else who walks by.
@AbbyHasIssues
It turns out "Flasher" wasn't one of the reindeer and I'm being asked to leave this holiday party.
It turns out "Flasher" wasn't one of the reindeer and I'm being asked to leave this holiday party.
@AbbyHasIssues
Them: Hi. I’m happy to meet you. Me: Hi. I’m awkward and already trying to find a way out of this conversation.
Them: Hi. I’m happy to meet you. Me: Hi. I’m awkward and already trying to find a way out of this conversation.
@AbbyHasIssues
Never trust someone who tells you mashed cauliflower tastes just like mashed potatoes. They'll lie to you about other things, too.
Never trust someone who tells you mashed cauliflower tastes just like mashed potatoes. They'll lie to you about other things, too.
@AbbyHasIssues
1. Read directions on box. 2. Throw box away. 3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later. 4. Repeat.
1. Read directions on box. 2. Throw box away. 3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later. 4. Repeat.
@AbbyHasIssues
If you can't handle me at my Walmart, you don't deserve me at my Target.
If you can't handle me at my Walmart, you don't deserve me at my Target.
@AbbyHasIssues
An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I'm hoping he meant while she was alive.
An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I'm hoping he meant while she was alive.
@AbbyHasIssues
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
@AbbyHasIssues
I remember the face of every person who doesn’t say “thank you” when I hold open the door for them.
I remember the face of every person who doesn’t say “thank you” when I hold open the door for them.
@AbbyHasIssues
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
@AbbyHasIssues
So far it’s been an, “I look okay enough to go to Walmart but not to go to Target” kind of day.
So far it’s been an, “I look okay enough to go to Walmart but not to go to Target” kind of day.
@AbbyHasIssues
The fact that we're not calling stepdads "faux pas," seems like a missed opportunity.
The fact that we're not calling stepdads "faux pas," seems like a missed opportunity.
@AbbyHasIssues
The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
@AbbyHasIssues
Once again I’m reminded that pressing harder on a remote control when I know the batteries are getting dead is not an effective strategy.
Once again I’m reminded that pressing harder on a remote control when I know the batteries are getting dead is not an effective strategy.
@AbbyHasIssues
I heard Google is turning 15 years old today. Now it's really going to think it knows everything.
I heard Google is turning 15 years old today. Now it's really going to think it knows everything.
@AbbyHasIssues
I'm pretty sure if Flo from Progressive and Jake from State Farm hooked up, the universe would explode.
I'm pretty sure if Flo from Progressive and Jake from State Farm hooked up, the universe would explode.