@BRANDONWARDELL
i wear glasses n walk around eating apples n everyone is like "wow. he prolly subscribes 2 the economist" but joke's on them i can't read

@BRANDONWARDELL
ok so, imagine star wars but instead of space it's brooklyn n uh instead of cool space guys, it's lena dunham complaining about stuff

@BRANDONWARDELL
if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it's 100% bc they didn't brush their teeth. they're nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect

@BRANDONWARDELL
nuance is cancelled. ur either good or bad. if ur good but then u say something bad, then ur bad now n therefore cancelled

@BRANDONWARDELL
i absolutely cannot cook for shit but i was watching a child prodigy chef n was casually like "ugh, i don't kno about that sauce"

@BRANDONWARDELL
marrying ur high school sweetheart is like eating chicken tenders n being like ok cool im only eating chicken tenders the rest of my life