Fun Tweets / @Beerhaze

Beerhaze
"Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs, snakes, spiders and rugby players bite." How Aussie parents tuck their kids into bed at night.

Mar 12 Favorite Retweet

Beerhaze
"Hello! You have a nice dog. Opiates are bad. Beautiful day today. My parents talk to pixies. Bye!" - Polite home-schooled kid I met today.

Feb 5 Favorite Retweet

Beerhaze
Madonna is now in that part of her career where she can only surprise people at the Super Bowl by giving birth to an antelope on stage.

Beerhaze
I find it odd that my son's teacher would like to see him skip grade one without knowing how horribly he screwed up when doing our taxes.

Beerhaze
iPhone 5’s voice-to-text feature auto-corrects "Horny enough to bang your mom!" to "Sorry to hear about your mom!" USELESS for Twitter.

Beerhaze
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed.

Beerhaze
Jesus dies for our sins? No, no, no... He died for YOUR sins. I haven't touched a goat inappropriately since third grade.

Beerhaze
The closest I have ever come to being involved in a threesome was when having sex with a ventriloquist. I was stoned and VERY confused.

Beerhaze
Whenever I hear a Mexican talking excitedly, I always imagine him explaining food, soccer or that someone is stuck in a barbed wire fence.

Beerhaze
Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been four days since my last tweet. Because, you know... weed and Sudoku.

Beerhaze
Currently using my daughter's iTouch to read your tweets. Also, reading her emails and writing shit on her Facebook page.

Beerhaze
Holy crap! I can't believe it! Thanks to Twitter - I'm going to Yale! Wait a minute... Jail - I'm going to jail! Oh...

Beerhaze
Wow! This whole being up early is neat; it's like daytime but sooner! Huh! The birds... they sound, you know, pretty! It's all a bit scary.

Beerhaze
Screaming, "Hitler and the Nazi Party are in a disarray!" when nudged at parties tells everyone that you fall asleep to the History Channel.

Beerhaze
People, today, I met and chatted up a super-hot stripper at Walmart. Sorry, there's no punch line - I'm still too shocked to write one.

Beerhaze
Coaching my son's soccer team, I thought moms would be all over me - no! They are always, "The popsicles are for AFTER the game." Bitches.

Beerhaze
Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.