@Brain_Wash
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.
Tweets by @Brain_Wash added on Fun Tweets.
@Brain_Wash
I don't know why people always make such a fuss about how much a newborn weighs. It's a baby, not a stash of cocaine.
I don't know why people always make such a fuss about how much a newborn weighs. It's a baby, not a stash of cocaine.
@Brain_Wash
Sometimes, watching Spanish language TV is like dating. I can only understand every third word they say, but the boobs. Dios mio, the boobs!
Sometimes, watching Spanish language TV is like dating. I can only understand every third word they say, but the boobs. Dios mio, the boobs!
@Brain_Wash
When a spambot tells you to click a link to take an IQ test, that *is* the IQ test.
When a spambot tells you to click a link to take an IQ test, that *is* the IQ test.
@Brain_Wash
Marriage? Ha. Fatherhood? Please. I rarely feel so manly as when I put together a piece of furniture and have no screws left over.
Marriage? Ha. Fatherhood? Please. I rarely feel so manly as when I put together a piece of furniture and have no screws left over.
@Brain_Wash
When I'm sick, I just remember my mother's sage advice: Feed a cold, starve a fever, and drown a soul-crushing depression in food and booze.
When I'm sick, I just remember my mother's sage advice: Feed a cold, starve a fever, and drown a soul-crushing depression in food and booze.
@Brain_Wash
Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."
Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."
@Brain_Wash
Thursday is that guy who shows up early for the party, with margarita mix and no booze.
Thursday is that guy who shows up early for the party, with margarita mix and no booze.
@Brain_Wash
Oh Thursday, you teasy bitch you.
Oh Thursday, you teasy bitch you.
@Brain_Wash
If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let me call people.
If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let me call people.
@Brain_Wash
I love meeting new people. Meating. I love meating new people.
I love meeting new people. Meating. I love meating new people.
@Brain_Wash
Why yes, I am watching a documentary about Marie Antoinette and enjoying it. Could it be because I'm straight fucking gangster? Perhaps.
Why yes, I am watching a documentary about Marie Antoinette and enjoying it. Could it be because I'm straight fucking gangster? Perhaps.
@Brain_Wash
Some men are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Me? I like waffles.
Some men are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Me? I like waffles.
@Brain_Wash
There's no I in you. Yet.
There's no I in you. Yet.
@Brain_Wash
He who laughs last is probably just really high.
He who laughs last is probably just really high.
@Brain_Wash
I'm not saying she's easy, but if she advertised on TV, they'd call it a nymphomercial.
I'm not saying she's easy, but if she advertised on TV, they'd call it a nymphomercial.
@Brain_Wash
I heard a woman remarking that she had worn "the wrong bra today". Ladies, as long as there are boobs in it, the bra is always right.
I heard a woman remarking that she had worn "the wrong bra today". Ladies, as long as there are boobs in it, the bra is always right.
@Brain_Wash
I'm home alone eating donuts and listening to Journey. I think I can stop believin' now.
I'm home alone eating donuts and listening to Journey. I think I can stop believin' now.
@Brain_Wash
I'm not good-looking enough to be this stupid.
I'm not good-looking enough to be this stupid.
@Brain_Wash
Some people should come with subtitles.
Some people should come with subtitles.
@Brain_Wash
Wyclef Jean has been hospitalized for fatigue and I know how he feels. I've been tired of his ass for years.
Wyclef Jean has been hospitalized for fatigue and I know how he feels. I've been tired of his ass for years.
@Brain_Wash
I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.
I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.
@Brain_Wash
Is it a rule now that Betty White has to be in everything? Because she is simply ruining this porn for me.
Is it a rule now that Betty White has to be in everything? Because she is simply ruining this porn for me.
@Brain_Wash
Why do they print nutritional information on Snickers bars? If you don't know candy is bad for you, what are the chances you can read?
Why do they print nutritional information on Snickers bars? If you don't know candy is bad for you, what are the chances you can read?
@Brain_Wash
I think I'll design something cool, get a bunch of people to like it, and then make it steadily worse with every update. Oops, been done.
I think I'll design something cool, get a bunch of people to like it, and then make it steadily worse with every update. Oops, been done.
@Brain_Wash
The worst part of a photographic memory is keeping all the negatives.
The worst part of a photographic memory is keeping all the negatives.
@Brain_Wash
My mother went to college. My mother had a strong career. My mother has traveled the world. My mother talks to the TV as if it's listening.
My mother went to college. My mother had a strong career. My mother has traveled the world. My mother talks to the TV as if it's listening.
@Brain_Wash
I would never give you a death sentence. It would be more like a paragraph.
I would never give you a death sentence. It would be more like a paragraph.
@Brain_Wash
It must be Monday somewhere.
It must be Monday somewhere.
@Brain_Wash
Parenthood teaches us that "Blue's Clues" and "Booze Cruise" sound alike for a reason.
Parenthood teaches us that "Blue's Clues" and "Booze Cruise" sound alike for a reason.
@Brain_Wash
Who the fuck said, "Less is more"? You know what is more? More, damn it!
Who the fuck said, "Less is more"? You know what is more? More, damn it!
@Brain_Wash
You know what keeps me up at night? Pauly Shore has turned down more hot women than I will ever, ever meet. Pauly. Shore.
You know what keeps me up at night? Pauly Shore has turned down more hot women than I will ever, ever meet. Pauly. Shore.
@Brain_Wash
Now I know why they call it Whole Foods. It took a whole hour to spend my whole paycheck and they can kiss my whole ass.
Now I know why they call it Whole Foods. It took a whole hour to spend my whole paycheck and they can kiss my whole ass.
@Brain_Wash
Could Jesus make a nerd so nerdy that even he couldn't resist giving him a wedgie?
Could Jesus make a nerd so nerdy that even he couldn't resist giving him a wedgie?
@Brain_Wash
She blinded me with Science. Okay, it was pepper spray.
She blinded me with Science. Okay, it was pepper spray.
@Brain_Wash
I opened what I thought was a can of whoop-ass, but it turned out to be Whoomp! And there it is, all over my floor.
I opened what I thought was a can of whoop-ass, but it turned out to be Whoomp! And there it is, all over my floor.
@Brain_Wash
Ah Twitter, never have so many said so much that mattered so little to so few.
Ah Twitter, never have so many said so much that mattered so little to so few.
@Brain_Wash
"I'm sooo wasted," said My Opportunities.
"I'm sooo wasted," said My Opportunities.
@Brain_Wash
The best cure for male pattern baldness is a six-figure income.
The best cure for male pattern baldness is a six-figure income.
@Brain_Wash
I think my virginity has grown back.
I think my virginity has grown back.