@Coastiefish
I've seen suns that weren't as bright as my cell phone is at 6AM.
I've seen suns that weren't as bright as my cell phone is at 6AM.
Tweets by @Coastiefish added on Fun Tweets.
@Coastiefish
I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.
I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.
@Coastiefish
Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.
Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.
@Coastiefish
Attention people who aren't employees: you should wash your fucking hands too.
Attention people who aren't employees: you should wash your fucking hands too.
@Coastiefish
My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to Coolio's "gangsta's paradise".
My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to Coolio's "gangsta's paradise".
@Coastiefish
This new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.
This new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.
@Coastiefish
If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.
If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.
@Coastiefish
When life gave them lemons, the people at countrytime still decided to make artificial bullshit instead of actual lemonade.
When life gave them lemons, the people at countrytime still decided to make artificial bullshit instead of actual lemonade.
@Coastiefish
If your bathroom sink looks like mine, you're disgusting and I'm a hypocrite.
If your bathroom sink looks like mine, you're disgusting and I'm a hypocrite.
@Coastiefish
If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.
If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.
@Coastiefish
My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an asshole.
My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an asshole.
@Coastiefish
I never feel more hypocritical than when I tell my kid she's been on the computer too much.
I never feel more hypocritical than when I tell my kid she's been on the computer too much.
@Coastiefish
I have a voluntary version of Tourette's.
I have a voluntary version of Tourette's.
@Coastiefish
If Twitter was a country, its flag would just have a bunch of poop and bacon and beer on it.
If Twitter was a country, its flag would just have a bunch of poop and bacon and beer on it.
@Coastiefish
If you don't use a bottle opener to open your beer, you drink shitty beer.
If you don't use a bottle opener to open your beer, you drink shitty beer.
@Coastiefish
All the terrible rumors about me are true, people who spam me via DM.
All the terrible rumors about me are true, people who spam me via DM.
@Coastiefish
I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.
I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.
@Coastiefish
If porno was realistic, there would be kids knocking on the door yelling that spongebob was on a commercial break.
If porno was realistic, there would be kids knocking on the door yelling that spongebob was on a commercial break.
@Coastiefish
Great... This guy double parked his porsche, and now I've got paint all in my keys.
Great... This guy double parked his porsche, and now I've got paint all in my keys.
@Coastiefish
Every time I clean out my fridge, I get pissed off about the stuff I forgot to eat.
Every time I clean out my fridge, I get pissed off about the stuff I forgot to eat.
@Coastiefish
I missed a period in that last tweet. I hope I'm not pregnant.
I missed a period in that last tweet. I hope I'm not pregnant.
@Coastiefish
The shortest distance between two points is always closed due to some bullshit construction that should've been finished a year ago.
The shortest distance between two points is always closed due to some bullshit construction that should've been finished a year ago.
@Coastiefish
If you're single, your Valentine's Gift is not having to buy any bullshit gifts. Embrace it.
If you're single, your Valentine's Gift is not having to buy any bullshit gifts. Embrace it.
@Coastiefish
I'm not saying farts smell good or anything, but I have found a few to be "delightfully disgusting ".
I'm not saying farts smell good or anything, but I have found a few to be "delightfully disgusting ".
@Coastiefish
"Deodorant?" - Foreigners
"Deodorant?" - Foreigners
@Coastiefish
I wish my kid had a "BAD MOTHERFUCKER" tattoo so that when asked which one was mine I could say "THE ONE THAT SAYS BAD MOTHERFUCKER ON IT!"
I wish my kid had a "BAD MOTHERFUCKER" tattoo so that when asked which one was mine I could say "THE ONE THAT SAYS BAD MOTHERFUCKER ON IT!"
@Coastiefish
"what if today's the day you learn about tacos and ostriches? You don't want to miss that, do you?" - me manipulating my kid to school.
"what if today's the day you learn about tacos and ostriches? You don't want to miss that, do you?" - me manipulating my kid to school.
@Coastiefish
My kid just asked me where Washington 3-D is, because she wants to see the presidents house...Now I can't decide if she's cute, or retarded.
My kid just asked me where Washington 3-D is, because she wants to see the presidents house...Now I can't decide if she's cute, or retarded.
@Coastiefish
23% of traffic accidents involve cell phone use, but 77% do NOT involve cell phone use. Statistics don't lie. It's safer to use your phone.
23% of traffic accidents involve cell phone use, but 77% do NOT involve cell phone use. Statistics don't lie. It's safer to use your phone.
@Coastiefish
I don't know about you guys, but I think Jesus would definitely have had a hard time paying for my sins on a carpenters salary.
I don't know about you guys, but I think Jesus would definitely have had a hard time paying for my sins on a carpenters salary.
@Coastiefish
When I hear the term "Flash Mob" I think of old Italian gangsters wearing nothing but trench-coats.
When I hear the term "Flash Mob" I think of old Italian gangsters wearing nothing but trench-coats.
@Coastiefish
Everyone has to pay for their mistakes... except for banks. Banks are apparently exempt from a lot of shit.
Everyone has to pay for their mistakes... except for banks. Banks are apparently exempt from a lot of shit.
@Coastiefish
When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying. :(
When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying. :(
@Coastiefish
Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.
Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.
@Coastiefish
These poker chips must be stale, they taste horrible.
These poker chips must be stale, they taste horrible.
@Coastiefish
I have the ability to hate people based solely on the sound of their cough.
I have the ability to hate people based solely on the sound of their cough.
@Coastiefish
My kid just told me all she wants for Christmas is a bell so she can "make lots of money like the man outside walmart."
My kid just told me all she wants for Christmas is a bell so she can "make lots of money like the man outside walmart."
@Coastiefish
If you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating... Because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.
If you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating... Because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.
@Coastiefish
"No crackers in bed!" - Racist black parents
"No crackers in bed!" - Racist black parents
@Coastiefish
How convenient, I can cook this lasagna in the microwave in 30 seconds, or in my oven in 4 days.
How convenient, I can cook this lasagna in the microwave in 30 seconds, or in my oven in 4 days.
@Coastiefish
Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.
Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.
@Coastiefish
I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like shit.
I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like shit.
@Coastiefish
People that keep their chin up probably don't find as much change as I do.
People that keep their chin up probably don't find as much change as I do.
@Coastiefish
I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
@Coastiefish
9 out of 10 dentists will agree to anything you want them to for 100 bucks.
9 out of 10 dentists will agree to anything you want them to for 100 bucks.
@Coastiefish
My favorite machine in the gym is the water fountain.
My favorite machine in the gym is the water fountain.
@Coastiefish
I'm going to hell in so many different religions.
I'm going to hell in so many different religions.
@Coastiefish
"Oh, he's so immature." - boring people talking about fun people
"Oh, he's so immature." - boring people talking about fun people
@Coastiefish
Can we have a moment of silence for all the great tweets that never make it out of the shower...
Can we have a moment of silence for all the great tweets that never make it out of the shower...
@Coastiefish
I'm old school in the sense that I always put women and children first. I mean, there could be spiderwebs.
I'm old school in the sense that I always put women and children first. I mean, there could be spiderwebs.
@Coastiefish
I've realized that when my wife says "what?" its not because she didnt hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said.
I've realized that when my wife says "what?" its not because she didnt hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said.
@Coastiefish
WebMD says pregnancy symptoms are fatigue, tender breasts, irritability, cravings, and headaches. All chicks are pregnant. All. The. Time.
WebMD says pregnancy symptoms are fatigue, tender breasts, irritability, cravings, and headaches. All chicks are pregnant. All. The. Time.
@Coastiefish
Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?
Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?
@Coastiefish
We should change the saying to "Home is where your phone automatically connects to your wifi".
We should change the saying to "Home is where your phone automatically connects to your wifi".
@Coastiefish
Of course my clothes are on the floor. I'm a guy, that's where I hang them.
Of course my clothes are on the floor. I'm a guy, that's where I hang them.
@Coastiefish
Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.
Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.
@Coastiefish
They say not to go to the grocery store when you're hungry, but I ran out of food and few days ago, and it's just getting worse. :(
They say not to go to the grocery store when you're hungry, but I ran out of food and few days ago, and it's just getting worse. :(
@Coastiefish
Someone told me they were getting colored contacts, and I said "aren't all their eyes just brown?" that was a complete misunderstanding.
Someone told me they were getting colored contacts, and I said "aren't all their eyes just brown?" that was a complete misunderstanding.
@Coastiefish
"Let's go with a clown, a penguin, and a guy that tells riddles." - The guy who came up with batman's villains.
"Let's go with a clown, a penguin, and a guy that tells riddles." - The guy who came up with batman's villains.