Tweets by @ColoradoUgly added on Fun Tweets.
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Dec 18 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Great gift for Trump supporters: Place a bar of soap in their Christmas stocking and beat them with it after they fall asleep

Apr 21 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
That fart voided the warranty on our couch.

Apr 6 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Don't commit suicide by jumping off a building or they might report it as a parkour accident.

Oct 5 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to walk away fast so people wouldn't think she was with me.

Jul 9 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Well quit blocking my knife if you don't like being stabbed in the hands.

May 22 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

May 8 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Think of how old we're gonna feel when Honey Boo Boo dies from an overdose.

Apr 4 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The cashier at McDonald's was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby's bottle.

Apr 3 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I took someone else's coffee at Starbucks because I liked her name better.

Mar 28 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

Mar 22 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I remove my license plates before using the McDonald's drive-thru in case I need to throw my drink in the cashier's face.

Mar 19 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
You open a massage studio called Human Traffic Fuck Palace and some people will just assume the worst.

Mar 4 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I convinced my son he has asthma so I wouldn't have to waste a bunch of money on team sports.

Feb 21 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Our son eats 3 bowls of generic fruity pebbles every morning then pukes on the bus.

Feb 16 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Are you gonna tattle to HR every time I threaten to burn your baby? Grow up!

Feb 15 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Every girl on Tumblr smells like Chapstick and cats.

Feb 3 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Superbowl party rule: You can chuck a regulation size football at anyone, at any time, without warning.

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Feb 1 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Do arcades ever clean the joysticks? 'Cause I've sucked on a few and they tasted awful.

Jan 26 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
In the old days you could send your kid to the store with a note to get your cigarettes. Now they need a mask and a knife.

Jan 17 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Food service workers should be completely hairless at all times.

Jan 15 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
"Life isn't fair!" is an ironclad excuse for treating people like crap.

Jan 10 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
"I don't even own a toilet." - hipster who went too far

Dec 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The concept of Santa is great because you can give your kids crappy gifts and they only have themselves to blame.

Dec 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Shopping at Walmart to test my immune system.

Dec 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
We were gonna give you money but thought you might prefer the limited buying power of a gift card. Don't spend it all in one place! lol jk

Dec 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man's lap in return for gifts.

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Nov 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The best advice I can give to Black Friday shoppers is to come early and take a shit by the door so everyone tracks it in.

Nov 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I ate one of those orange Hostess cupcakes and now I have to live in the sewers.

Nov 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Please pray for me as I make the difficult transition from pumpkin spice to eggnog lattes.

Nov 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Hide a metal rake in your leaf pile to keep the neighborhood kids from messing it up.

Nov 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Excuses are like assholes: they're both on Fox News right now.

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Nov 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
You can't bitch if you don't vote, so please vote so we can hear you bitch all the time you fucking bitch.

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Nov 2 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I banned birthday parties in the office because if you don't care enough about yourself to take the day off why should we care about you.

Nov 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

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Oct 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm not gonna let some "perfect storm" stop me from sleeping up in a dead tree.

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Oct 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
"I'm gonna go after the bad guys!" - Romney or a little boy in Spiderman pajamas

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Oct 21 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
They should make toilet seats with a rumble pack to shake your turds loose.

Oct 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Oct 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
2 hr flight, better buy 8 lbs of fruit and nut mix.

Oct 8 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The cool thing about Cake Boss cakes is how everything is edible and has been touched all over and breathed upon for hours.

Oct 3 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
So called "Trader" Joe's wouldn't let me pay with furs or rum or even live birds.

Sep 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Some songs contain sirens which alert you to the fact that you have shitty taste in music.

Sep 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm starting my own Build-a-Bear type place except the kids make toys for other kids and it's in China.

Sep 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Please pray for the private school kid whose dad drops him off in a 3-year-old car.

Sep 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Don't answer the door after dark because it might be an orphan in a basket and ain't nobody got time for that.

Sep 20 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
While I'm shopping at Costco my kids wait by the exit and try to get adopted by a wealthy family.

Sep 20 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Look, I'm not running a charity here, and if I was I'd be too busy embezzling money to help people.

Sep 19 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The government closed my non-profit clean needle exchange because we were just wiping 'em off with an old rag.

Sep 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.

Sep 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
When my kids get too loud in our minivan I simply race over the nearest speedbump to make them bite their tongues.

Sep 5 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.

Sep 2 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Richmond's baseball team had midget wrestling last night, if anyone's looking for a city with rich culture and a progressive vibe.

Aug 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Romney hopped up on marzipan and tinsel.

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Aug 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Does anyone have the address for starving kids in Africa? Our daughter doesn't want her waffle fries.

Aug 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Your mama's so ugly people discriminate against her for it and she has no legal recourse.

Aug 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Snooki gives birth to a 6lb, 5oz club promoter.

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Aug 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
First public photos of Snooki's baby show him passed out on the boardwalk with a seagull sleeping on his head.

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Aug 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Thursday is "date night", when I force my family to eat all the expired food in our fridge.

Aug 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat.

Aug 17 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Half the fun of buying your child a piece-of-shit knock off game system is how mad they get when you refer to it as a "Playstation".

Aug 11 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Romney chooses Rep. Paul Ryan as VP, because if there's one thing Americans love, it's members of Congress.

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Aug 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Our kids lost all the Monopoly pieces so we use a cigarette butt, a high-heeled shoe, a rotten molar, and a loaded handgun.

Aug 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The Chick-fil-a cup is the new rebel flag.

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Jul 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm looking for a new nursing home for my mother. Something without phones or access to postage stamps.

Jul 19 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.

Jul 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Oh so Paris Hilton can carry a dog in her purse but if I leave my baby in a suitcase behind the chicken restaurant I'm some kind of monster.

Jul 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I know they don't recommend ibuprofen during pregnancy but I needed something for the hangovers.

Jul 4 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
If you loved this country you'd be laying on your back with no pants and a mouth full of spray cheese watching Price is Right.

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Jul 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a post-apocalyptic demolition derby.

Jun 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I usually make it to the ATM just behind the guy who's using it to refinance his home loan.

Jun 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Republicans aren't angry at you, Constitution. Just disappointed.

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Jun 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Todd Palin breaks out the ol' noise cancelling headphones.

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Jun 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
This restaurant is so fancy they made my husband wear a jacket over his mesh half-shirt.

Jun 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
My mother retired and moved into a CVS.

Jun 15 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
May I hold your baby? May I throw her across the room into that pile of empty boxes? Okay, I'll just hold her then.

Jun 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Freeze a regular Snickers bar for the satisfying CRUNCH of all your front teeth breaking at once.

Jun 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Then an extremely attractive couple walked in, instantly ruining everyone else's good time.

Jun 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
It's fun to watch babies taste new things like ice cream, lemons, or 9-volt batteries.

Jun 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The water from a drinking fountain tastes like pennies and mumps.

Jun 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
If it's any consolation, Jim Morrison, Biggie Smalls, and Jesus would all have died from natural causes by now.

Jun 2 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I drink Mountain Dew for the protective coating it leaves on my teeth. The kidney stones are a close second.

May 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Blinding hatred is a perfectly healthy response to everything that other people do.

May 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I donate all our garbage to Goodwill because who knows what those bums might have use for.

May 3 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
My out-of-office voicemail greeting is just a solid three minutes of dry heaving.

Apr 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm not one of those moms who talks about her kids all the time because their lives don't interest me in the least.

Apr 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Internet speeds would be a lot faster if it wasn't for all the bandwidth hogs watching their cats sleep by webcam.

Apr 19 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The FCC requires all rock stations to hire a woman named Kat.

Apr 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
My spirit animal is a parasite that swims up your pee hole and plants an egg sac using its hook-like barbs.

Apr 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
We could power our entire office with the wind produced from my constant sighing.

Apr 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Apr 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
In an effort to improve customer service, Best Buy will now punch each customer in the face as they walk through the door.

Apr 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Before Instagram people had to display their photos in fish tanks full of piss.

Apr 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

Apr 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The kids are pouting because the April Fool's Fairy left a turd under their pillows.

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Apr 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Fun prank idea: Take your friend's fiancee to lunch and say things that give her doubts about the relationship.

Mar 27 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The movie was better than the book because I'm illiterate.

Mar 27 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Hey Girl Scout, let your mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math.

Mar 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I was asked to leave the PTA because they don't consider what I do parenting.

Mar 20 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I left a godless morning fart in each of the kids' lunchboxes so they'll know I was thinking about them.

Mar 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Remember, it's Spring forward, fall back 40 years on women's rights by voting Republican.

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Mar 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Tip for new parents: The less you feed 'em, the less they poop.

Mar 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I like to shoot at stop signs, especially those little ones on the side of school buses.

Mar 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'll throw corrosive acid in the face of anyone who casually glaces at my computer screen while passing my cubicle.

Feb 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Snooki had a pregnancy scare last year but it was just a stray Cheeto lodged in her uterus.

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Feb 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Captain Morgan announces early release of their new prenatal rum.

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Feb 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
In the tradition of Blue Ivy, the child has been tentatively named Orange Skeezy.

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Feb 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
We haven't spent a dime for snake food since I discovered all the free pets on craigslist.

Feb 26 Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
What do you get for the man who has everything? Nothing. Fuck that guy.

Feb 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
It's so quiet in our office you can actually hear the dreams fizzling out.

Feb 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Before the invention of Swiffers, people had to pick up dust with their own moist genitals.

Feb 8 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Our youngest has finally graduated from baby bottles to 2-liters of soda.

Feb 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Maybe it's karma that I stepped in gum after all the times I've spit mine out on sidewalks. Didn't stop me from keying the nearest car.

Feb 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
It's so cold this morning I had to seperate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers.

Feb 4 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
White people sure do love generalizations.

Jan 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Stupid baby keeps knocking my bong over.

Jan 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

Jan 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
People think it's okay to drive like assholes until we end up at a stoplight together and I'm dropping my rottweiler through their sunroof.

Jan 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I took a taste from the bag of white powder I found in my son's backpack and my worst fears were realized. Gymnastic chalk.

Jan 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
How do I explain to this bank teller than I'm just robbing her and not the bank?

Jan 17 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Modern fast food has a "fuck you" attitude that I relate to on a deeply personal level.

Jan 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".

Jan 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions.

Jan 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Kids don't listen! I've told mine a hundred times to fall off the top of the slide during recess so we can sue the school.

Jan 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I consider Words with Friends a work-related activity because it helps me take my mind off being stuck in this shithole.

Dec 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Not to freak everybody out but my new desk calendar ends in 2012

Dec 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
We'll have fun pretending that the scratching sound from our attic is reindeer and stuff.

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Dec 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm having an existential crisis because I dialed a wrong number and the man who answered asked me, "Who is you?!"

Dec 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.

Dec 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
If the Pope could smell my farts right now he'd cancel Christmas.

Dec 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Our kids seem to prefer Kraft mac and cheese over the usual spaghetti noodles and crushed up generic Doritos.

Dec 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
It must be garbage truck mating season, judging from the sounds outside.

Dec 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
No one loves their kids equally. I use a curve system.

Dec 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Give a man a fish, where's he supposed to put it? Get away from him you weirdo.

Dec 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
It's not fair that lab animals get to test all those nice cosmetics while I'm stuck using the cheap stuff.

Dec 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I figured those penguins would thrive in our freezer but no.

Dec 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
"You stop crying or I'll give you something to laugh about!" - clown parents

Nov 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Pushing that old woman onto a baby's stroller to grab the last 17" flat screen TV really got me into the Christmas spirit!

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Nov 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.

Nov 16 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Confession: I'm the one who's been posting all those idiotic comments on youtube using millions of anonymous accounts.

Nov 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I've been all over the web looking for a combination fly swatter/back scratcher. I'm tired of lugging both around all day.

Nov 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Get out of any speeding ticket by assuring the officer that you're already miserable and adequately beaten down by life.

Nov 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Nightclub bouncers find me so attractive that they ask me to stand next to them while they make everyone else go inside.

Nov 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm the designated driver so it's mini bottles in the restroom for me

Oct 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Make those "fun size" candy bars even MORE fun by cutting 'em in half and wrapping 'em in scotch tape!

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Oct 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
No wonder my cigar tastes funny. It's just a really old hot dog.

Oct 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
It's an unwritten rule in girls' soccer that each team must have at least one Katie on the field at all times.

Oct 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I'm not one of those moms who knows all her kids by name.

Oct 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
We save a lot of money on Halloween costumes by having naturally ugly children.

Oct 15 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Can't you see I'm on an important phone call with a host from QVC?

Oct 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Don't use up the last of the milk! Leave just enough in there to piss somebody off.

Oct 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to keep walking so people wouldn't think she was with me.

Sep 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
White people really do look alike, so let's fill up on teriyaki chicken samples by walking laps around the food court.

Sep 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I have this reoccurring nightmare called a job.

Sep 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Mechanical bull rides are a good place to meet someone with busted genitals.

Sep 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
You'd be shocked at how easy it is to walk into a nursing home and draw mustaches on the dementia patents

Sep 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I make the kids wear fannypacks so they'll have someplace to hold my drugs when we get pulled over.

Sep 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I hope I don't catch another weirdo pooping against the side of a 7-11 tomorrow because I'm not ready to love again.

Sep 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Our 2-year-old is entertaining everyone at the restaurant by screeching like a seagull every fifteen seconds.

Sep 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Aww, c'mon! Let me crack your baby's knuckles.

Aug 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I welcome new employees by leaving a candy bar on their desk. Then I drop by later and yell, "Yo, who ate my candy? You're my bitch now!".

Aug 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I hope you won't mind if I stare toward your house at dusk in an expressionless porcelain mask.

Aug 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Now's your chance to smash something with a large branch and not get blamed.

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Aug 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I know it's time to wax my upper lip when the cashier at Firehouse Subs gives me the policeman's discount.

Aug 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Stupid nanny state won't let me enroll my kids in bartending school.

Aug 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The office supplier gave us some cheap toilet paper and now we've got a real mess on our hands.

Aug 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I thought "#2 pencil" meant a poopy finger. Guess that explains the low test scores.

Aug 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I won't help a customer with their problem until they've been completely dehumanized.

Aug 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

Aug 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you I'll stop.

Jul 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Samuel L Jackson's kids were so lucky to have him yelling at them their whole childhood.

Jul 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Thank goodness for wide, paved road shoulders that important people like me are entitled to use during traffic jams.

Jul 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Can't release my sex tape because an animal was harmed during filming :(

Jul 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The hardest thing about working in a restaurant is that your throat is always dry from spitting in everyone's food.

Jul 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Quit calling me to the front of the store to claim my lost child! Drop her in the lost & found and I'll get her when I'm ready.

Jul 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Whenever I see an elderly person who looks lost and confused, I stop and take a moment to feed 'em a peanut.

Jul 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Sure glad I filled my iPod with shit that I hate.

Jul 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.

Jul 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Does this cubicle make me look dead inside?

Jul 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Let's find some common ground so I can tell you my fucking life story.

Jun 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Keep a baby with you at all times in case you need to throw it at someone who tries to arrest you.

Jun 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
If your victim freaks out when you pull a knife, politely sheath your blade and change the subject.

Jun 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Call me crazy, but I kinda like the way people look with their lips cut off

Jun 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
So how many abortions do you have to have before you can go "pro"?

Jun 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Dropping my kids off at Walmart with a dollar each to entertain themselves for a few hours.

Jun 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
We shouldn't give a shit about recycling or pollution because some scientist will come up with something eventually

Jun 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
My daughter is at that awkward age where she doesn't want to wear the same dirty clothes to school all week long

Jun 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
If I ever lose a hand I'll replace it with a single nunchuck on a chain

Jun 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Tried to leave a voicemail for my mom but she picked up. I was forced to drop my phone into my purse and shake it around for 10 minutes

May 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
When my kids are bad I take them out to the woodshed and tell them a bunch of boring stories about the people at my work

May 15 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
The main qualification to be a morning radio DJ is the ability to laugh long and hard at your own obvious jokes

May 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! Have some crunchy popcorn, noisy cup of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a parrot!

May 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

May 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Using zero-ply toilet paper, aka the cardboard tube

May 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Just once I'd like to make it through a game of mini golf without having to smash someone's windshield out with the putter

Apr 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
I like to make up little activities to keep the kids busy, such as "Go out and find $1000 by midnight or we're gonna lose the house!"

Mar 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@ColoradoUgly
Morning radio DJs are just reading the Internet to old people.