Tweets by @CulturedRuffian added on Fun Tweets.
Follow @CulturedRuffian

---

Aug 1 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
My cell phone battery died while I was on the toilet & I had to read the back of the shampoo bottle just like the pioneers in the olden days

Jun 19 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I don't regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Jan 5 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
The only camper that is a Happy Camper is the one who drank enough alcohol to forget that he's CAMPING.

Jan 2 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Sorry I faked a seizure at your party but my phone's battery dropped to 10%, you wouldn't stop talking and I had to go so I could charge it.

Nov 8 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Just bought a Subaru & it came with wet rescue dog nose marks on the windows, some pot & Whole Foods environmentally friendly shopping bags.

Sep 22 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.

Sep 21 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Sep 17 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Sorry people with seeing eye dogs that say 'No petting'. What you can't see won't hurt you.

Jul 9 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
The grass is always greener, but usually because it's synthetic AstroTurf.

Nov 30 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I don't care about following a 'funny' celebrity from tv on Twitter-instead I look up who writes for their show then follow that person.

Sep 24 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
While Facebook was down I walked up to coworkers & just said 'unfriend' or 'like' & walked away then poked 17 people before I got arrested.

Aug 21 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I don't mind if you tell me about the new diet you're on as long as you give me equal time to talk with you about my favorite doughnuts.

Aug 13 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is trying to remember what I wanted when calling in my take out order.

Jul 30 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I'd rather be chased by a pack of cannibal Oompa Loompas riding hungry velociraptors than go to your kid's Chuck E. Cheese birthday party.

Jul 28 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I just microwaved my TV dinner & it came out fully cooked on the first try, so I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone's hungry.

Jul 28 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Fool me once shame on you, Unless you're speaking Spanish, then that's eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Apr 3 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Coffee so black, you won't ever go back to sleep.

Mar 24 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
What happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, & now my brother has to send what happened child support. :/

Mar 19 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Just made eye contact with a truck driver while eating a corn dog at a convenience store and now I hate everything.

Feb 9 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I've never finished a marathon, but one time I finished a whole bag of Peanut Butter Crunch even though the roof of my mouth was all tore up

Sep 20 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Any size pizza can be a personal pizza if you're depressed enough.

Jun 24 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
I'm white, but not applying SPF 100 listening to Mumford & Sons in my Subaru while at soccer practice after a nice quiche for brunch white.

May 19 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@CulturedRuffian
Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin. ps. Please send more.

Submitted by @stockejock