Fun Tweets / @EWWWYUCKY

@EWWWYUCKY
Dreading the day that all my present and past roommates figure out that I haven't bought my own body wash in 10 years.

Oct 3 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I feel like the middle-class is a sad child laying in bed listening to his parents' muffled arguments in the other room. #debates

Part of a collection

Sep 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
If you put an Apple Genius in a headlock they'll fork over the iPhone 8.

Part of a collection

Aug 3 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
When you wish upon a star, planets are being scorched and destroyed billions of miles away but that's okay because YOU'RE IMPORTANT.

Jun 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Water fountains are great for when I want to know what your building tastes like.

Jun 27 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it's about my surprise party.

Jun 21 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this asshole real quick.

May 17 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
HELP ME I'M CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE nevermind I'm good.

May 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I wouldn't want lesbian parents. Not because I'm homophobic. I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."

May 15 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I hope there's not a huge turnout at my Claustrophobic's Anonymous meeting tonight.

May 4 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I had a second stomach surgically attached so I could finish my fries from Five Guys.

Apr 15 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Everything Must Go? You should have had that attitude before going out of business.

Mar 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
If you make that Civic muffler loud enough, you can drown out your dad's voice calling you a worthless piece of crap. Almost.

Feb 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Roses are black. Violets are black. Life is black. My heart is black. Loneliness. Pain. Screams. A pony died in the forest. I shed no tears.

Part of a collection

Feb 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

Jan 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Silly Rabbit, Trix are for a culture of entitled white American children who are systematically fed a diet of high fructose corn syrup.

Dec 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said "My HMO doesn't cover residential treatment."

Dec 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I threw a recyclable item in the trash in case any ladies were looking for a "badboy" type.

Nov 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"COME ON! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE HOURS AGO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SHOWERED?" Noah yelled, waiting for the sloths to get on the Ark

Nov 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Thanks for reminding me to "have a safe trip." I was going to roll down a cliff and let the river float me to my destination. Close call.

Nov 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
It's a pleasure to do business with you. I look forward to screaming at your customer service representatives in six months.

Nov 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
FREE NUDE SHOW: Walk into a women's tanning salon and yell "FIRE!"

Oct 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"You're not leaving the table until you finish it, young man!" --termite mom

Oct 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
The fact that Americans eat cookie dough and cake batter shows that we can't even wait until it's done cooking anymore.

Oct 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger

Oct 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Follow your dreams. Unless you're a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That's dangerous, dude.

Oct 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
The dish drainer is just my default cupboard.

Oct 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Ew. I just saw someone talking on an iPhone 4. WHAT IS THIS, TWO DAYS AGO? LOOOOOOSER!

Part of a collection

Oct 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Guys named William have been awfully greedy with nicknames.

Sep 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Of course, Tony the Tiger isn't his real name. It's Lord Antoine le Tigris of Kellogg.

Sep 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it.

Sep 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite." --Guy who doesn't understand how sleep works

Sep 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"YES! YES! YES! Damn." (A dog, when you open their food cabinet to get something else.)

Sep 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Take a chill pill? I had a friend overdose on chill pills you insensitive prick!

Sep 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Let's be honest. They're windshield wipers for about a week, then they're just smudgers.

Sep 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
People who change the channel every time there's a commercial are more annoying than commercials.

Aug 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I go to Taco Bell and throw in random adjectives to see if they notice. "I'll have the Cheesy Double Sweaty Burrito."

Aug 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
When you "assume" you make an "ass" out of "Ume," my Hawaiian buddy, who hates assumptions.

Aug 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Text "You spilled your chai latte" to 90999 to donate $1 to the victims of the U.S. East Coast earthquake.

Part of a collection

Aug 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I do not like them in my inbox. I do not like them from a blond fox. I do not like your webcam spam. I do not like them, Scam I Am.

Aug 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Men and women stalk differently. Men will drive by at night. Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone.

Aug 6 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I don't think so, people who are thinking so.

Aug 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I'm sad because I don't have an Xbox. Someone console me.

Aug 5 2011 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"Your voice is so sexy. How can I direct your call, babygirl?" --Smooth Operator

Aug 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
That awkward moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made sandwiches.

Aug 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
A WOMAN IS ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING! Being an equal partner in a loving relationship.

Jul 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
The difference between my "Maine lobster" and my "main lobster" is boiling water or a high five.

Jul 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Listen, I'll play that funky music if you ask me in a nice, non-derogatory way.

Jul 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
It must suck having aspirations of being a serial killer but getting caught on your first murder.

Jul 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. (I worked there my freshman year and had to unclog the toilets.)

Jul 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Don't drink and drive. Unless you can totally handle it and people need to relax because you're fine.

Jul 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I'll say "HELLO PUPPY!" to your dog, but you'll get the awkward half-smile.

Jul 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"We're going to chop off your testicles so we can love you until we decide you need to die." --pet owners

Jul 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Telling a woman that you want to "rock her body" means something completely different in Pakistan.

Jul 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
If you don't have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.

Jul 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I'm capable of having female friends. We can totally snuggle naked and I won't try anything funny.

Jul 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I think "So do you come here often?" is a valid pick-up line. I don't want a girl who's drinking 7 martinis everyday.

Jul 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
If gay marriage is wrong, then why did we have four fathers?

Jun 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I've prepared for you all." --General Tso

Jun 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
You know what they say? Once you go white, you'll rob the world of it's resources and murder indigenous peoples.

Jun 15 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I don't want this month to end because the puppy on my calendar is extra cute.

Jun 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"Sorry, but I can't sell you cigarettes. It hasn't been 18 revolutions around the sun since you descended from your mother's vagina."

Jun 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Roosters are just edible alarm clocks.

Jun 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I've been a huge fan of bandwagons since yesterday.

Jun 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.

Jun 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Pickles = Zombie Cucumbers

Jun 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Politicians only kiss babies because it might be theirs.

May 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

May 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Am I the only one who gets nervous when a person @'s you with a link? Like they found that pic of you at 18 being spanked in a tutu.

May 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter in my stomach.

May 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Every trip to the supermarket is a game of "Dodge The Indecisive Old People With My Cart."

May 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Fuck! I have to fly to California to prevent a forest fire. THIS IS TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY!

May 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
General Tso's Curse: You have every intention of trying something new, but you just can't order anything else.

May 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. That feels good. I WILL BITE YOU!" --Cats

May 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Tweeting with an egg avatar is like showing up to a job interview in a sweatsuit.

May 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Shit's Creek is actually quite lovely when you bring paddles.

May 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Happy Cinco De Mayo! May the Fifth of tequila be with you.

Part of a collection

May 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Pregnancy tests should have three results: Pregnant, Not Pregnant, and Reality Show.

May 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

Apr 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face I get concerned about her disproportionate body shape.

Apr 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
People with egg avatars are the extras having silent conversations that no one pays attention to.

Apr 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
To the first person who took their picture with their phone at the bathroom mirror, you are a pioneer. We salute you.

Apr 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Villains: Just leave the city where the super hero is. Problem solved.

Mar 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Is that a banana in your pocket or have you been lying about your name being Amy?

Mar 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
No one got screwed worse than male ladybugs.

Mar 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Somewhere in the world, there's a real Nigerian Prince who wants to share his millions of dollars but can't find a beneficiary.

Mar 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Color-blind gang members always shoot the wrong guys.

Mar 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Farting is your ass referring to itself in the turd person.

Mar 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Nothing turns your world upside-down more than realizing you've been singing the wrong lyrics for 20 years.

Feb 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I refuse to be an organ donor. Mainly because I'd like to be a fully-functional zombie if I rise for the apocalypse.

Feb 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Fat goths are morbidly obese.

Feb 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"Take it from the top, but do it a bit more boring and awful this time." --Coldplay's Producer

Feb 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"I have an unsolicited opinion on that!" --Every douche blanket on Twitter.

Feb 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I won't believe the Groundhog saw his shadow until he updates his Facebook status.

Jan 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Why does gigahertz? Because megabytez.

Jan 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I hate being "backwards guy" when moving funiture. I could get hurt.

Jan 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"I can't believe it's not butter!" could be a disappointed statement as well. I'd like the context before I buy.

Jan 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Hungry Hungry Hippos must get tired of eating the same thing? White spheres, again?

Jan 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
They say the camera adds ten pounds. I knew this all camera diet was bad for me. They're just so delicious.

Jan 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
You can't change the past. But you can sit around in your underwear, dwelling on it and crying over what could have been.

Jan 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures? Someone is lying.

Jan 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"You're going to poop me." --Lazy Fortune Cookie

Jan 15 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"I just want a nice guy who treats me right." said every girl who dumped that dude like ten times.

Jan 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Did Pinocchio catch fire when he masturbated?

Jan 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"I think we should feel other people." (Blind couple breaking up.)

Jan 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I'm thinking of becoming Hispanic just for the upside-down exclamation point. I like what you guys did there. I'm jealous.

Dec 22 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
A disgruntled bubble wrap factory worker could shoot 20 men and no one would turn their heads.

Dec 15 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Girlfriend bugging you to get married? Propose to her in the most inappropriate place. "I'll have the McChicken. AND YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE!"

Nov 30 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"FOILED AGAIN!" --Leftovers

Nov 25 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I hear Christian girls give really good moral.

Nov 18 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
You can always count on me. Unless standing up for you will make people hate me. Then you're on your own.

Nov 15 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Phantom cellphone vibrations are your dead ancestors calling you.

Nov 14 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Nov 10 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I'm shaking what my momma gave me. It's the most darling snowglobe I've ever seen. LOOK AT IT.

Nov 7 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Don't bite the hand that feeds you. There's barely any meat on it. Go for the thighs.

Nov 6 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
You know what kills me? Weapons.

Nov 4 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Do blind people believe in love at first hear?

Nov 2 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Oh. Awesome. A gift card. It's like money, but I can only spend it where you thought I'd like to.

Nov 2 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Of course, Lil' Wayne isn't his real name. It's Lillian Waynard.

Oct 31 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"Sit down. I've got some bad news." (Every Milkman's boss 30 years ago)

Oct 27 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I bet rocket scientists are conceited bastards. "YOU CALL THIS A MARTINI? THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE DAMMIT! I WOULD KNOW!"

Oct 20 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?" --Polite Ludacris

Oct 18 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
We attract people who are reflections of ourselves. So beware of anyone who wants to be with you when you're an emotional wreck.

Oct 15 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
What's so lame about a duck President? Pieces of bread, quacking, getting into all types of duck antics in the Oval Office! I'm game!

Oct 10 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
All pills are sleeping pills if you take enough of them.

Oct 3 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
There's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless you crashed your milk truck and spilled it all over the freeway, killing a family.

Sep 24 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.

Sep 18 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Breastfeeding your infant is important. But what about the wings and thighs? Should I just leave the whole KFC bucket in the crib?

Sep 14 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Snowmen don't 69, they 88.

Sep 11 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I've always wanted to get in an accident with someone who has the same exact car as me. MY NECK HURTS! WHO GIVES A FUCK THIS IS COOL!

Aug 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
A lot of people say they're "real" as if it's some sort of redeeming quality. Try not being an asshole. How's that for real?

Sep 2 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
This lesbian couple I'm friends with couldn't afford the double-headed dildo they wanted. They're really struggling to make ends meet.

Aug 24 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I wear the pants in this family. It's so embarrassing when I go to Olive Garden, and the rest of my family is naked from the waist down.

Aug 22 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
The Ford Escort was named after Henry Ford's love for high-priced hookers. Ironically, you'll have to pay for sex if you drive one.

Aug 20 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask me what she charged to see her boobs.

Aug 18 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Whoever said "talk is cheap" never dialed 1-900-WET-GIRLS at $3.99 per minute. I think Dirty Darla loves me though.

Aug 14 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

Aug 14 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.

Aug 12 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I think the real reason men don't lactate is because we would just be irresponsible and squirt each other with it.

Aug 9 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I'm more than happy to take your sloppy seconds. Who am I kidding, I'll take corroded fourteenths.

Aug 6 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I hate when people tell me to have a safe flight. Like I have a choice. It's either back home, or in a swamp. I'll try really hard to live.

Aug 4 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I just got the heebie jeebies. That's what I get for having unprotected sex with a ghost.

Aug 3 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I found out the prostitute I picked up was a dude in drag. I decided I didn't want the trans action.

Jul 27 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
"This is gonna be so awful, and everyone's least favorite, yet .0001 of the population will keep it in demand." - Inventor of licorice

Jul 26 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
This bottle of OxyClean says "GREAT ON WINE AND TOMATO SAUCE". Call me crazy, but I think they're trying to poison Italians?

Jul 26 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn't move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.

Jul 21 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Has anyone even thought to look in San Diego for Carmen Sandiego? Think about it, it's a little *too* obvious. Which means it's perfect.

Jul 21 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Matthew Broderick just became the "mare" of Sarah Jessica Parker on Horsesquare.

Jul 19 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.

Jul 18 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
WHO LET THE CATS OUT? Mew. Mew. Mew. Mew. WHO LET THE CATS OUT? Mew. Mew. MRRROOW! HSSSSS! MRRROOW! HSSSSS! FUCK! HE'S AN INSIDE CAT!

Jul 12 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Can someone throw Kevin Bacon in the freezing Artic waters and give him hypothermia? I NEED this six degrees of Kevin Bacon joke.

Jul 10 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana.

Jul 8 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
BREAKING NEWS: Miami Heat joins LeBron James.

Jul 7 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Different religions can be really strict about adherence to their principles. I hate anal sects.

Jul 5 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Nobody gets treated worse than a McDonald's worker who gets an order wrong. "Um this was SUPPOSED to be a LARGE fry! UnFUCKINGbelievable!"

Jul 3 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
AT&T always treats me like I have no shirt and no shoes.

Jun 29 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. Unless he wears Crocs. You just know he's a total douche jacket at that point.

Jun 16 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
You say potato, I say put out, ho. Otherwise, I'm calling the whole thing off.

Jun 14 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
The sausage mogul Jimmy Dean has passed away. Someone just sent me the link!!!!

May 25 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still update their MySpace profiles.

May 23 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
I need to get off my high horse. He's certainly in no condition to take me anywhere right now. Get yourself together, junkie.

May 12 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
1 out of 10 dentists doesn't care what you brush with, he just wants to fondle you while you're gassed.

May 11 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
Man! It's raining cats and dogs out there! *MEEEW* SPLAT! *AARFF* SPLAT! Did I close my sunroof? SON OF BITCH!

May 9 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
The ACLU has informed me that Mother's Day is too inclusive. So Happy Everyone Gay Pride AIDS Awareness Aboriginal Illegitimate Child Day!

Apr 30 2010 Retweet

@EWWWYUCKY
If everyone jumped off the docks I would too. I'm a sucker for pier pressure.