@IGotsSmarts
In a landslide victory, landslides crush their opponents.
In a landslide victory, landslides crush their opponents.
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@IGotsSmarts
Olympic Fun Fact: Every member of Great Britain's Olympic team is actually named Nigel.
Olympic Fun Fact: Every member of Great Britain's Olympic team is actually named Nigel.
@IGotsSmarts
When I die I want my tombstone to read, "Did stuff".
When I die I want my tombstone to read, "Did stuff".
@IGotsSmarts
The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.
The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.
@IGotsSmarts
"This looks like an open and shut case!" a police detective buying luggage.
"This looks like an open and shut case!" a police detective buying luggage.
@IGotsSmarts
Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.
Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.
@IGotsSmarts
Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops.
Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops.
@IGotsSmarts
Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.
Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.
@IGotsSmarts
"I came, I saw, I left." - Premature ejaculator after visiting a porno shop.
"I came, I saw, I left." - Premature ejaculator after visiting a porno shop.
@IGotsSmarts
"EYES! EYES, BABYYYYYYY!" - zombie Vanilla Ice, snacking.
"EYES! EYES, BABYYYYYYY!" - zombie Vanilla Ice, snacking.
@IGotsSmarts
A lot of rappers had Diddy issues when they were growing up.
A lot of rappers had Diddy issues when they were growing up.
@IGotsSmarts
I believe that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
I believe that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
@IGotsSmarts
Dictators dress to oppress.
Dictators dress to oppress.
@IGotsSmarts
According to WebMC, I be illin'.
According to WebMC, I be illin'.
@IGotsSmarts
I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.
I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.
@IGotsSmarts
"Honey, let's have a baby." - a cannibal couple discussing dinner plans.
"Honey, let's have a baby." - a cannibal couple discussing dinner plans.
@IGotsSmarts
Everyone knows Superman's father was Jor-El, but no one ever mentions his germophobic uncle, Pur-El.
Everyone knows Superman's father was Jor-El, but no one ever mentions his germophobic uncle, Pur-El.
@IGotsSmarts
Teach a man to Google how to fish and he'll wind up looking at fish porn for the rest of his life.
Teach a man to Google how to fish and he'll wind up looking at fish porn for the rest of his life.
@IGotsSmarts
The best things in life are free. My neighbor's unsecured wi-fi, for instance.
The best things in life are free. My neighbor's unsecured wi-fi, for instance.
@IGotsSmarts
All of the food in my fridge is on my to-poo list.
All of the food in my fridge is on my to-poo list.
@IGotsSmarts
If you're going to go house hunting, try to blend in with your surroundings. Wear aluminum siding.
If you're going to go house hunting, try to blend in with your surroundings. Wear aluminum siding.
@IGotsSmarts
Narcolepsy is the sluttiest neurological disorder.
Narcolepsy is the sluttiest neurological disorder.
@IGotsSmarts
The spork is the hermaphrodite of utensils.
The spork is the hermaphrodite of utensils.
@IGotsSmarts
If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
@IGotsSmarts
If you're walking on sunshine, please adjust your dosage accordingly.
If you're walking on sunshine, please adjust your dosage accordingly.
@IGotsSmarts
I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.
I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.
@IGotsSmarts
Non-lactating cows are milk duds.
Non-lactating cows are milk duds.
@IGotsSmarts
People who don't understand what I'm trying to say are anti-semantics.
People who don't understand what I'm trying to say are anti-semantics.
@IGotsSmarts
I'm guessing Minnie uses mouse pads when it's that time of the month.
I'm guessing Minnie uses mouse pads when it's that time of the month.
@IGotsSmarts
I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name.
I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name.
@IGotsSmarts
Just got a great deal on some bottled water. The store was having a liquidation sale.
Just got a great deal on some bottled water. The store was having a liquidation sale.
@IGotsSmarts
If I could make puppies and kittens magically appear, people would call me "The Wizard of Awwws".
If I could make puppies and kittens magically appear, people would call me "The Wizard of Awwws".
@IGotsSmarts
The most well known activist in the bee community is Bill Cause Bee.
The most well known activist in the bee community is Bill Cause Bee.
@IGotsSmarts
Searching for stuff on the internet when you're drunk is called Beer Googles.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you're drunk is called Beer Googles.
@IGotsSmarts
A group of Asian kids at our local high school were busted recently for running a math lab.
A group of Asian kids at our local high school were busted recently for running a math lab.
@IGotsSmarts
Go away, mosquito. I've already had the blood drained out of me by my job.
Go away, mosquito. I've already had the blood drained out of me by my job.
@IGotsSmarts
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it might be a grebe. Know your waterfowl.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it might be a grebe. Know your waterfowl.
@IGotsSmarts
I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.
I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.
@IGotsSmarts
George Foreman named all five of his sons George. I'll bet the password on every website he goes to is "password".
George Foreman named all five of his sons George. I'll bet the password on every website he goes to is "password".
@IGotsSmarts
I've made a fortune in gambling by betting my bottom dollar that the sun will come out tomorrow, thanks to my bookie, Annie.
I've made a fortune in gambling by betting my bottom dollar that the sun will come out tomorrow, thanks to my bookie, Annie.
@IGotsSmarts
The only royal wedding I would care about would be between Burger King and Dairy Queen.
The only royal wedding I would care about would be between Burger King and Dairy Queen.