Fun Tweets / @IamEnidColeslaw

IamEnidColeslaw
When a clown sheds its skin, it rubs its head against hard objects, causing the stretched skin to split. The skin is often left in one piece

May 16 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
The internet is a place where you can make long-lasting friendships. You can also watch 2 girls drink diarrhea. Two sides to every coin.

May 12 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I will convert to your religion if it makes this rash go away.

May 7 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
"It's not you, it's me. And me. And me! And me. And me." - schizophrenic break up

May 6 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Saw a man at Target with a foot-long ponytail. Didn't know what to do so I pulled the fire alarm.

May 5 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Steve would be a terrible name for a pegasus.

May 3 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I wish someone knew exactly when the world is going to end so I can stop feeling guilty about all the littering I've been doing.

May 3 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Caught my co-worker MICROWAVING a HOT DOG with a SLICE of AMERICAN CHEESE on it. Don't worry I pushed him out a window.

Apr 18 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
volcano = glory hole for the Gods

Apr 15 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
About to eat at the Cheesecake Factory/commit a hate crime against my butthole.

Apr 10 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
If life was fair, Ryan Gosling would have been born with Ray Romano's voice.

Apr 9 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Just got a $14 haircut at Great Clips because I'm worth it goddamnit.

Apr 8 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
My condolences to the children whose mean, vegan parents are making them hunt for painted rocks today.

collection

Apr 4 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Enough with the cutesy-chubby sidekicks, 3D animation studios.

Apr 3 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
"What the fuck is a newspaper?" - our grandchildren

Mar 30 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
All I want is a gummy bear that's the size of a grizzly.

Mar 25 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Right now, someone is wearing cargo pants and getting away with it. I can't even concentrate on my book.

Mar 20 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
"Fig Newtons: they're like a funeral in your mouth!"

Mar 19 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Exactly how many good deeds do you have to commit to get into Heaven? I'm talking bare minimum here.

Mar 17 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Tomorrow morning, you are all going to feel the way Courtney Love looks.

collection

Mar 6 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
When I have kids I'm going to tearfully serve them scrambled eggs smothered in ketchup & tell them it's Humpty Dumpty.

Mar 5 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
When telling your dog he's adopted, make sure to mention that you will never love him as much as the dogs you gave birth to.

Mar 1 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

Feb 28 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Which religion lets you eat as much pizza as you want without getting fat?

Feb 28 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Almost touched an old person tonight. Luckily I jerked my arm away before they could drain me of my youth and vigor.

Feb 26 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Just converted my savings to pesos and HOLY SHIT am I rich!!!!!!!!

Feb 22 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I can't stop watching myself on this Walgreens surveillance monitor. Crazy how the camera adds 40 pounds and a limp!

Feb 22 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
how many calories are in a horse

Feb 20 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"

Feb 13 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Quick: how do you un-shake a baby?

Feb 5 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Quick reminder: In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters and we're all going to die one day!!

collection

Jan 31 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
"Nazis!" - the History Channel

Jan 31 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, "Like you mean it."

Jan 27 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

Jan 24 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Ancestry.com will not get a cent of my money until they can tell me which apes I came from.

Jan 23 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
If all the corner pieces of a cake are gone, I calmly pull the emergency icing out of my purse & frost the edges of an inside piece.

Jan 22 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Just ate McDonalds after working out, which is the same as taking a shit after a shower.

Jan 21 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
"Newt Gingrich" sounds like the name of a villain that JK Rowling made up.

Jan 20 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

Jan 20 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
"Do drugs!!" - Reverse psychology drug prevention program

Jan 15 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.

Jan 11 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
What percentage of police officers are strippers and what percentage of strippers are police officers? I'm confused.

Jan 11 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Ripping a blaring fart every now and then lets your masseuse know who's in charge.

Jan 10 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Did it ever occur to you that people with tear drop tattoos are just really sad?

Jan 8 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Every night Owen Wilson secretly prays tomorrow will be the day his son breaks his nose for the first time.

Dec 28 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
No one ever smells their finger because it smells good.

Dec 18 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I accidentally dropped a piece of my bagel in the trash and it feels like a relative died.

Dec 15 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Just turned my welcome mat into an unwelcome mat by spray painting "CANCER" across it

Dec 10 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
do the Simpsons know they're all dying of jaundice

Dec 9 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
When Tom Cruise is driving, he says "Now in Cruise Control!" with this stupid smirk on his face even when there's no one else in the car.

Dec 7 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
We get it, Charmin. Bears love to shit.

Submitted by @fatpita

Dec 7 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I mailed my letter to Santa today. It was an index card that said "not AIDS."

Dec 6 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
how many calories does hating your job burn

Dec 3 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Can I sleep over at your house tonight? There's too much stuff on my bed

Nov 30 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)

Nov 29 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.

Nov 24 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I don't think gymnasts know how clearly we can see their genitals

Nov 22 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I'm concentrating so hard on trying not to eat a third cupcake that I literally can't do my job

Nov 19 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together

Nov 16 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Going to open a used car dealership & employ only super cute girls who will cry until you buy something

Nov 11 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Your grandparents used to kiss with tongues, probably

Nov 9 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Bathrooms without noisy ventilation fans make me feel unsafe

Nov 7 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Roadside sign holders are secretly geniuses because they get paid to do something a pole does for nothing.

Nov 6 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Why do people go to the gym again? Do they not know what a nap is?

Nov 5 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
I want to do for the unibrow what Hitler did for the little moustache.

Aug 13 2011 Favorite Retweet

IamEnidColeslaw
Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.