JimGaffigan
Being a parent is the opposite of the Jenny Craig diet. “I gained 20lbs & all I did was eat small portions of my toddlers leftover dinner.”

JimGaffigan
To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day. Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.

JimGaffigan
People on this plane got so uptight when I used the bathroom to change into my PJs. Llike they've never seen a man in a nightgown before.

JimGaffigan
I'm thinking of maybe giving up on my Olympic dream.

JimGaffigan
"Entertainment News" is a strange way to spell gossip.

JimGaffigan
Ugh #earthday is taking forever. I can't wait to go back to not appreciating this ugly ball we live on.