@JimGaffigan
Really the only advantage of a rainy day is that it is illegal to exercise.

@JimGaffigan
Just ate a bunch of vegetables instead of cheese. One of my children wasn’t even observing me. This is the first sign of insanity, right?

@JimGaffigan
How did we even waste time before Twitter?

@JimGaffigan
Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.

@JimGaffigan
Probably once a year some dumb Whale excitedly swims up to the coast of Wales humming, “Mama, I’m coming home.”

@JimGaffigan
Peel ‘n eat shrimp feels remarkably similar to tear the tail off 'n eat the water cockroach.