Tweets by @JohnFugelsang added on Fun Tweets.
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Dec 9 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
And on his death bed, he realized his 1 great regret in life was not spending hundreds more hours playing Candy Crush Saga.

Nov 1 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Inflammatory rhetoric is worse than Hitler and will kill us all.

Oct 21 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Those snobs at Yankee Candle Co. just rejected my scented votive pitch for "Grampa's Cigarettes."

Aug 2 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Jul 6 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
OMG you guys it's so weird bc everyone keeps saying I'm so great at humblebragging but like I think I totally suck at it!

Jul 6 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
I like to walk into a Panda Express & angrily demand they serve me Panda.

Jun 6 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
I love you like Donald Trump loves waiting as long as possible to distance himself from the white supremacist groups that endorse him.

Mar 16 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
"But if you give me your cigarettes I can turn it around into even more cigarettes for you." - Bernie Madoff, to cellmate.

Feb 1 2017 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.

Dec 18 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Cats act so cool all year long & then Christmas comes and they eat tinsel.

Dec 15 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
America leads the world in religious people who use 'bless your heart' as an insult.

Nov 30 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
America has to stop all this violence overseas so we can focus on doing nothing to stop violence back here in America.

Oct 26 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
When the aliens land I refuse to be the one who explains why mannequins have no heads/arms/legs but do have noticeably erect nipples.

Jun 29 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Right now the owner of Men's Health magazine is beating an editor who forgot to include the phrase 'rock-hard abs' on this month's cover.

May 8 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?

Apr 19 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Worst Possible Baby Name: Adolf Judas Kardashian.

Apr 8 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
I wanna see Le Pan Quotidien fight Au Bon Pain in a pretentious chain restaurant cage match & the winner gets to fight Pret-a-Manger.

Mar 7 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Every single person on this subway is staring at their phone and I'm so appalled I have to tweet about it.

Feb 18 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
I told facebook my concerns about lack of privacy; they said they already knew how I felt about it.

Jan 25 2016 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
1 in 5 American children are now on food stamps which is why we must cut food stamps to reduce their dependency on food.

Nov 17 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Americans kill more Americans than ISIS kills Americans so we should probably play it safe and not let any more Americans into America.

Nov 16 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
You know you're an adult when you get excited over how much crap you just fit into a dishwasher.

Sep 13 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Voyager 1 left the solar system 1 year ago and still gets a better signal than an iPhone in my apartment.

Aug 28 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Dear Netflix; when I got my first dvd by mail all those years ago I never dreamed that one day you would raise a child for me.

Aug 1 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
The Internet manages to show how far Homo Sapeins have come while simultaneously showing how far they haven't.

Jul 13 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
FOX News is a Mecca for people who hate Mecca.

Jun 29 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Home is anyplace where you don't have to wear pants.

May 15 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
If you can read but still watch the Kardashians please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.

Jan 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.

Apr 27 2010 Retweet

@JohnFugelsang
Reminds GOP that Obama's not a radical brown-skinned antiwar socialist giving away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.