@KAH4553
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the girl with glitter on her face does.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the girl with glitter on her face does.
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@KAH4553
I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.
I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.
@KAH4553
I can't believe it's almost 2012 & there isn't a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids who's really into magic.
I can't believe it's almost 2012 & there isn't a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids who's really into magic.
@KAH4553
Sometimes cops don't believe it when I explain that my mom's dying wish was to keep her cremated ashes inside a bag of blow in my glove box.
Sometimes cops don't believe it when I explain that my mom's dying wish was to keep her cremated ashes inside a bag of blow in my glove box.
@KAH4553
It still takes me a while before I completely trust any woman whose name is mentioned in "Mambo No. 5".
It still takes me a while before I completely trust any woman whose name is mentioned in "Mambo No. 5".
@KAH4553
I like to stare at a Priest & say "You wore that same outfit last week" so he thinks I go to church every week & knows I'm on to his shit.
I like to stare at a Priest & say "You wore that same outfit last week" so he thinks I go to church every week & knows I'm on to his shit.
@KAH4553
I'm going to get a job at a liquor store just so I can card people & see who's lying about how much they weigh on their ID.
I'm going to get a job at a liquor store just so I can card people & see who's lying about how much they weigh on their ID.
@KAH4553
I need to thank the guy who honked while waiting for my parking spot for inspiring me to stay & write my memoirs in this Target parking lot.
I need to thank the guy who honked while waiting for my parking spot for inspiring me to stay & write my memoirs in this Target parking lot.
@KAH4553
I always yell "Cut!" after I drop the soap in the shower because there's usually some Peeping Tom filming me & I want that part edited out.
I always yell "Cut!" after I drop the soap in the shower because there's usually some Peeping Tom filming me & I want that part edited out.
@KAH4553
I always put both of my arms inside of my shirt when I'm pulled over because most officers will go easy on drivers who don't have any arms.
I always put both of my arms inside of my shirt when I'm pulled over because most officers will go easy on drivers who don't have any arms.
@KAH4553
The grocery store employees who stock the milk from behind the coolers don't like it when you grab their hands just to see if they're clean.
The grocery store employees who stock the milk from behind the coolers don't like it when you grab their hands just to see if they're clean.
@KAH4553
I look like Danny DeVito's sloppy seconds.
I look like Danny DeVito's sloppy seconds.
@KAH4553
Couples who take too many fertility drugs should always put an asterisk next to their child's name to show that the parents used steroids.
Couples who take too many fertility drugs should always put an asterisk next to their child's name to show that the parents used steroids.
@KAH4553
The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.
The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.
@KAH4553
It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep.
It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep.
@KAH4553
When someone asks, "How are you?" I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.
When someone asks, "How are you?" I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.
@KAH4553
I think what I despise the most about blind people is knowing they'll get rid of that dog as soon as they start to see.
I think what I despise the most about blind people is knowing they'll get rid of that dog as soon as they start to see.
@KAH4553
If Pulp Fiction has taught us anything it's that we're better off not knowing if there's more shit down in the basement of any pawn shop.
If Pulp Fiction has taught us anything it's that we're better off not knowing if there's more shit down in the basement of any pawn shop.
@KAH4553
If your drug dealer doesn't give you any change, he's probably not going to give you a receipt either.
If your drug dealer doesn't give you any change, he's probably not going to give you a receipt either.
@KAH4553
This autographed Bible isn't authentic, unless Je$u$ is actually how he signed his name.
This autographed Bible isn't authentic, unless Je$u$ is actually how he signed his name.