Tweets by @Kyle_Lippert added on Fun Tweets.
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Jun 25 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
TOP REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: 1) Ted Cruz 2) A gun 3) Your racist uncle 4) A gun in a cowboy hat 5) Jeb Bush 6) Literally a turd

Jan 12 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Sorry Amanda. There will be no second date. First off, the plural of shrimp IS shrimp. Not shrimps. Also it's pronounced sammon, not sallman

Oct 15 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
It Only Gets Worse As An Adult, Charlie Brown

Oct 14 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
"You are what you eat" [Eats a confident person] Now we wait...

Oct 1 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Donuts: The sweatpants you can eat.

Sep 26 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Kanye West always looks like someone just told him a movie spoiler.

Sep 24 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
High heels are just regular heels that live in Colorado Haha we make jokes on here to try to keep the enveloping darkness at bay

Aug 5 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Went to kill a spider with a rolled up newspaper and all it did was sit there and laugh at me for still reading a newspaper.

Jun 26 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone when you buy flowers because they're also a snack for later.

May 30 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Mumford & Sons! It's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you're looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Apr 21 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"

Apr 1 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Hate shaving? Cut some time out of your morning routine by leaping into the ocean and letting the tide drag you to a watery demise instead.

Mar 22 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Olive Garden really does make you feel like family. Last time I went there my server told me a racist joke & asked why I wasn't married yet.

Mar 10 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to shit.

Feb 23 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
"I love u" "Umm isn't it a bit too soon to say I love you?" "Oh ha I meant the letter U. What's your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol"

Dec 17 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list "psychics abilities" under skills? No. Next question.

Dec 2 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Nature tip: if you're attacked by a cougar, tickle its belly. It will kill you but at least your last memory will be of petting a cuddly cat

Sep 24 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
One time I asked "What would Jesus do?" & then a close friend betrayed me & everyone started misinterpreting what I said for their own gain.

Aug 8 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
*takes a puff of an E-Cigarette* yeah, I have all of Skrillex's albums on vinyl.

Jul 25 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
"I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me" Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel "that would be hella rad"

Jul 5 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Research has shown that men think about sex every 15 sex.

Jun 23 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
What’s that Lassie? Bark! Yes I have a few moments of free time Bark! Goddammit lassie no I don't want to hear about Jesus

Apr 23 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Jerry Seinfeld is at Best Buy. "We've got a great deal on TVs today" the salesman says. "What's the deal?" Jerry says. The Best Buy explodes

Mar 15 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I've had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Mar 12 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Smoke billowing out of the Vatican, a hidden camera shows the cardinals passing around a blunt & using a Ouija board to select the new pope.

Part of a collection

Mar 7 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying "If you keep making that face, it's going to get stuck that way" being true.

Jan 29 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Go to a Mexican restaurant, get a table for two, tell them you're waiting for your date & then eat free chips & salsa for 7 years.

Jan 29 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

Dec 21 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
My legs are so white that they stopped listening to their Bon Iver LP to correct my pronunciation of 'quinoa'

Nov 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance.

Oct 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
The best way to keep your new iPhone from getting stolen is to have a case on it that makes it look like a Blackberry.

Oct 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
"I love you. I love you. Pay attention to me. I love you. Ok I'm fed now. I HATE YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!" - Cats

Aug 31 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Coffee rules everything around me. C.R.E.A.M. Get the sugar. Java java beans, y'all.

Aug 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
My voicemail message is a 20 second recording of me sighing.

Jun 15 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
"Say no to Lindsay Lohan" - Drugs

May 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
My iPhone could say that I have a voicemail from God and I still wouldn't listen to it.

May 4 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Alcohol is like photoshop for reality.

Apr 20 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
It's not that I'm a bad boyfriend. I'm just a horrible person.

Apr 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I JUST HAD AN ESPRESSO WHO WANTS TO JOUST?

Feb 15 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I envision my high school English teacher reading my tweets, lighting up cigarette after cigarette and putting each one out on her arm.

Feb 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I was gonna go to Olive Garden for Valentine's Dinner but I just got my tax return so we're doing Red Lobster. Bitches love cheese biscuits.

Part of a collection

Feb 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I'm having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Jan 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
The fact that we're supposed to reuse a vagina after a mini human has crawled out of it kinda bums me out.

Jan 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I just saw a picture of a duck posing and doing a dumbwhitegirlface.

Jan 11 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Question: What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.

Jan 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Guys, be sensitive. Fat people have feelings too. Usually hunger, shortness of breath, insecurity and itchiness in unreachable places.

Jan 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

Dec 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Dragons have tattoos of Asian chicks on their backs.

Dec 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Black people, want to piss white people off? Open a restaurant. And don't serve coffee or brunch.

Dec 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I bet Martha Stewart knits a really festive sock to wear on her wiener for the holiday season.

Dec 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
To the fat people who get offended when someone makes a fat joke, I have two words for you: Lighten up.

Nov 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
This is incredible. My iPhone's battery has made it 3 hours without needing to be charg

Nov 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
My phone doesn't auto capitalize the 'G' in god but it auto capitalizes the 'K' in Kevin. So now I worship Kevin.

Nov 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I just saw an Asian chick with big boobs and a booty. I took a pic so if any of you have Mythbuster's email hit me up.

Nov 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
What do you call a Mexican riding a bike? Wow. You guys are some racist fucks. He's a bike rider. On a bike he probably stole.

Nov 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Hey, Chefs, you're making food. Not curing AIDS, Cancer or defusing a bomb. Settle the fuck down.

Nov 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.

Nov 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all of the other prescription drugs.

Oct 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Nipples: Nature's thermometer.

Oct 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Lack creativity? Do you like doing the exact same thing every day all day? Open a barbershop in Asia.

Oct 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Atheists, we get it. You don't have faith in anything except your ability to shove your lack of faith in the face of those who have faith.

Oct 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
'I have trains ran on me all the time.' - Railroads. Or my ex-girlfriend.

Oct 3 2011 Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
This fortune cookie I just had said 'Off yourself' & my lucky numbers on the back was the phone number to a local gun shop.

Sep 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Attractive women with no personality are like clear skies on a 10 degree day. Looks good in pictures, but no one wants to live with it.

Sep 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
McDonalds just started their Monopoly game again with an increased 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize/obesity/explosive diarrhea!

Sep 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I blame my parents subscription to National Geographic when I was a kid for my preference for black women.

Sep 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
If kittens tasted like pizza I would totally be a cat person.

Sep 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Me: Hey. Nice Honda. Him: It's an Acura. Me: All Asian cars look alike. Him: You're racist. Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.

Sep 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I wish I was able to argue about something as strongly as women do about nothing.

Sep 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Men who talk about how big their dick is actually have a tiny dick. Related: I'm hung like an Asian field mouse.

Sep 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
If every house in Mexico isn't perfectly landscaped and each bed isn't impeccably made then what in the fuck?!

Sep 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
There hasn't been a sexual assault that didn't have some Ed Hardy fabric as evidence since 2006.

Sep 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I just ate a silica salt packet and I've been using a plastic bag as a toy because I live life on the motherfucking edge.

Sep 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
My boss dropped a pen, bent to pick it up, my b-ball instincts took over, I slapped his ass, said 'nice hustle' & now I need a new job.

Sep 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I'm gonna open a store that sells three things; Axe Body Spray, Self-tanning lotion & chloroform & call it The Jersey Store

Sep 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
The bitches love me because I'm well spoken, intelligent and would never disrespect them and shit.

Sep 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I have made nothing but horrible decisions ever since I had my wisdom teeth taken out.

Aug 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Frankly, I find that Blackberrys are insensitively named and I'm starting a petition to have them renamed African-Americanberrys.

Aug 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
"Meh-eh-eh. Meh-eh-eh" - Apathetic goat.

Aug 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Just remember, if you're attractive and they're ugly, it's not sexual harassment. You're giving them a compliment.

Aug 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish & he'll plan fishing trips with his buddies to escape from his annoying wife.

Aug 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Well, I just broke my personal best time by wearing a white shirt 13 minutes before getting a stain on it.

Aug 16 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Isn't Twitter basically all NSFW since we all tweet while we're at work & hit the 'Close Tab' button like a ninja when the boss walks by?

Aug 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I wish I was able to say as many things with a simple 'mmmmhhhmmmmm' as your average elderly black woman.

Jul 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
My girlfriend is in Mexico for vacation and if she has a Juan night stand while she's down there, her and I are totally done.

Jul 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
After starting on August 15th, 2004, Julia Roberts just finished brushing her teeth a few hours ago.

Jul 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
That moment when someone asks you 'How are you doing?' and you respond 'I'm doing ok. Getting better each day' & they stab you for answering

Jul 16 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Just complained to my girlfriend that my iPhone battery wasn't lasting more than 2 hours & it dawned on me that I'm white & totally spoiled.

Jul 15 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I have a closet full of voodoo dolls created in the likeness of people I have seen with 11 items in the '10 items or less' checkout line.

Jul 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Mullets: Business in the front. Party-at-a-mobile-home-til-5am-drinking-Pabst-then-go-home-&-get-arrested-for-domestic-violence in the back

Jul 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
I accidentally took 1 of my girlfriend's multivitamins for women & I've been looking at engagement rings & crying uncontrollably for 4 hours

Jun 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
It must have been awesome in a world without saggy tits back before Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.

Jun 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
They say video games teach kids bad habits, but I've gotten out of at least 17 DUI's by flinging a banana peel at the cop car behind me.

May 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Thank God Friday the 13th doesn't ever land on a Monday because that would be a total bummer in every way possible.

Part of a collection

May 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.

Apr 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
When I see a person with facial tattoos, I also know that I will see them in handcuffs if I follow them around long enough.

Apr 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@Kyle_Lippert
In a perfect world you'd be able to mark people as spam in real life.