@MarylandMudflap
I don't know. I feel like a zoo that specialized in morbidly obese animals would be a fun time but I've had a few drinks so I don't know.

@MarylandMudflap
My therapist keeps telling me to stop dating women who believe in the healing powers of crystals and I'm all like, "Nope."

@MarylandMudflap
I wore an empty box of Stove Top Stuffing on my head and the nice lady at the fire station still let me vote. Hot damn I love this country.

@MarylandMudflap
Saw a kid crying in the grocery store. I opened a bottle of A1 and chugged it right in front of him. He stopped crying and started nodding.

@MarylandMudflap
I wish CNN would show a montage of old men looking angry after getting their hats blown off. #hurricane

@MarylandMudflap
I'll dress up like your Dad and hug you at the finish line of a 5K if you promise to never post any Facebook pics of you running ever again.