MistookMistake
I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.

MistookMistake
I'm pretty sure that spiders have figured out that I'm terrified of them, and have created a game to see who can make me flip out the most.

MistookMistake
You can't buy love, but you can buy a lot of alcohol so just be happy about that.

MistookMistake
Of course I can tweet, talk on the phone, eat a hamburger, and apply my lipstick. I'm only driving, you know.

MistookMistake
I would like you to all meet my personal chef! I call him, "Microwave."

MistookMistake
I think if my rich neighbor realized just how great of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.

MistookMistake
Yes, I do have a stalker. They call me every day, will occasionally buy me underwear, and know more about me than I do. I call her "Mom."

MistookMistake
My neverending quest in life is to evenutally find the stupid lid to this damn Tupperware bowl.

MistookMistake
When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

MistookMistake
Let us all take a moment of silence to remember the many socks lost in the past and the fucking dryers that stole them.

MistookMistake
It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a bitch.

MistookMistake
I know wearing black is supposed to make you look slimmer but I may be taking it too far wearing this Darth Vader costume all week...