OverlandParker
I just dozed off for a minute and woke up freaking out because I thought I missed my exit.
I just dozed off for a minute and woke up freaking out because I thought I missed my exit.
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OverlandParker
Friday the 13th would be a lot more scary if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.
Friday the 13th would be a lot more scary if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.
OverlandParker
Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
OverlandParker
Sure, I'll spend $5 on a cup of coffee, but I draw the line at paying 44c to have someone travel 3000 miles to hand deliver a letter for me.
Sure, I'll spend $5 on a cup of coffee, but I draw the line at paying 44c to have someone travel 3000 miles to hand deliver a letter for me.
OverlandParker
Rest in peace Dave "The Diamond" Clancy, and any other celebrity I just made up.
Rest in peace Dave "The Diamond" Clancy, and any other celebrity I just made up.
OverlandParker
A moral compass is just a clock that isn't drunk enough.
A moral compass is just a clock that isn't drunk enough.
OverlandParker
Some of the weirdest looking Jehovah's Witnesses kept knocking on my door last night.
Some of the weirdest looking Jehovah's Witnesses kept knocking on my door last night.
OverlandParker
Bank of America is halting foreclosures in all 50 states as part of an investigation into why 7 people in the U.S. still have homes.
Bank of America is halting foreclosures in all 50 states as part of an investigation into why 7 people in the U.S. still have homes.
OverlandParker
I was going to post that I'm in Nebraska but Foursquare didn't have the location "Someone shoot me in the face" listed.
I was going to post that I'm in Nebraska but Foursquare didn't have the location "Someone shoot me in the face" listed.
OverlandParker
My iPhone just autocorrected "everyone" to "wartime". I'm not entirely sure what that means but I'm pretty sure we're all going to die.
My iPhone just autocorrected "everyone" to "wartime". I'm not entirely sure what that means but I'm pretty sure we're all going to die.
OverlandParker
My Emmy party went off without a hitch despite my cat not answering me when I asked her who crocheted the dress she was wearing.
My Emmy party went off without a hitch despite my cat not answering me when I asked her who crocheted the dress she was wearing.
OverlandParker
I'd like to tell you I can keep you safe Son but lets be realistic here, we're dealing with a closet that has a God damn monster in it.
I'd like to tell you I can keep you safe Son but lets be realistic here, we're dealing with a closet that has a God damn monster in it.
OverlandParker
If a woman falls in the kitchen and I pretend not to hear it, does she still hear the sound of me tweeting about it?
If a woman falls in the kitchen and I pretend not to hear it, does she still hear the sound of me tweeting about it?
OverlandParker
This may be the wine talking but help he's drinking me, he's drinking me.
This may be the wine talking but help he's drinking me, he's drinking me.
OverlandParker
For Follow Friday I recommend Saturday.
For Follow Friday I recommend Saturday.
OverlandParker
After you're done watching them, Netflix should let you exchange children.
After you're done watching them, Netflix should let you exchange children.
OverlandParker
If my mouth could get pregnant, an entire box of fudge-pops would be taking paternity tests.
If my mouth could get pregnant, an entire box of fudge-pops would be taking paternity tests.
OverlandParker
My mom let the street raise me, which is why the only things I'm really good at are letters, numbers, and talking like Cookie Monster.
My mom let the street raise me, which is why the only things I'm really good at are letters, numbers, and talking like Cookie Monster.
OverlandParker
My cat doesn't listen to a word I say. That's why the cell phone she made me buy her only has a text message plan.
My cat doesn't listen to a word I say. That's why the cell phone she made me buy her only has a text message plan.
OverlandParker
Babies are really expensive, which is why all the ones in Babies R Us don't have price tags.
Babies are really expensive, which is why all the ones in Babies R Us don't have price tags.
OverlandParker
The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you use them, the soggier your cereal gets.
The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you use them, the soggier your cereal gets.
OverlandParker
Lady: How old's your son? Me: He's 3. Lady: Wow, he has great hand eye coordination. Me: You should see him play Grand Theft Auto, he sucks
Lady: How old's your son? Me: He's 3. Lady: Wow, he has great hand eye coordination. Me: You should see him play Grand Theft Auto, he sucks
OverlandParker
There's nothing more deceitful than the word "booby trap".
There's nothing more deceitful than the word "booby trap".
OverlandParker
I give it two weeks before Jay Leno starts tweeting from the new @ConanOBrienTwitter account.
I give it two weeks before Jay Leno starts tweeting from the new @ConanOBrienTwitter account.
OverlandParker
I'll never forget the day I said "Ride down this hill" and became the greatest bobsled coach in Olympic history.
I'll never forget the day I said "Ride down this hill" and became the greatest bobsled coach in Olympic history.
OverlandParker
I have to be honest, before the Winter Olympics I just thought Canada was a place Michael Moore made up.
I have to be honest, before the Winter Olympics I just thought Canada was a place Michael Moore made up.
OverlandParker
I wonder who plays the "famous rich guy who can relate to poor people" on the AT&T commercials at Luke Wilson's house?
I wonder who plays the "famous rich guy who can relate to poor people" on the AT&T commercials at Luke Wilson's house?
OverlandParker
Quick tax question: Does giving thousands of dollars to charity last year make up for lying about it this year?
Quick tax question: Does giving thousands of dollars to charity last year make up for lying about it this year?
OverlandParker
Chrysler is recalling over 24,000 vehicles due to unexpected brake failure that could put many unsatisfied customers out of their misery.
Chrysler is recalling over 24,000 vehicles due to unexpected brake failure that could put many unsatisfied customers out of their misery.
OverlandParker
48% of soda fountains tested positive for possible fecal contamination, meaning it's likely you've unknowingly been drinking cream soda.
48% of soda fountains tested positive for possible fecal contamination, meaning it's likely you've unknowingly been drinking cream soda.
OverlandParker
I shoveled half my driveway yesterday but my wife's still not happy because it just so happens to be the top half the sun melted.
I shoveled half my driveway yesterday but my wife's still not happy because it just so happens to be the top half the sun melted.
OverlandParker
If the salvation army wants a donation from me then they better get a kettle big enough to put my son in.
If the salvation army wants a donation from me then they better get a kettle big enough to put my son in.
OverlandParker
The past 2 hours I spent at the mall would have been a lot more constructive if I looked for gifts instead of staring at mannequin nipples.
The past 2 hours I spent at the mall would have been a lot more constructive if I looked for gifts instead of staring at mannequin nipples.