Paxochka
I call bullshit on all the times I've talked to strangers and they've not offered me candy.
I call bullshit on all the times I've talked to strangers and they've not offered me candy.
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Paxochka
"Hellooooo? I'm tweeting here, pay some attention to me" - everyone on twitter ever.
"Hellooooo? I'm tweeting here, pay some attention to me" - everyone on twitter ever.
Paxochka
If I was super religious, I'd celebrate Easter by getting nailed.
If I was super religious, I'd celebrate Easter by getting nailed.
Paxochka
Dear Hollywood, When you adapt a book into a movie here's a novel idea: try reading it first for a change. Assholes.
Dear Hollywood, When you adapt a book into a movie here's a novel idea: try reading it first for a change. Assholes.
Paxochka
woman vs Food would be a very boring show where she gazes wistfully at the dessert menu and sighs.
woman vs Food would be a very boring show where she gazes wistfully at the dessert menu and sighs.
Paxochka
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Paxochka
The most entertaining part of the Golden Globes is closeups of losing nominees struggling not to look like they just ate dog shit.
The most entertaining part of the Golden Globes is closeups of losing nominees struggling not to look like they just ate dog shit.
Paxochka
If you take something for granted you risk losing it. When I finally find my car keys, I'm telling them how much I love them.
If you take something for granted you risk losing it. When I finally find my car keys, I'm telling them how much I love them.
Paxochka
Hell has an entire level devoted to gift wrapping.
Hell has an entire level devoted to gift wrapping.
Paxochka
Tangled earbuds are the new rubik's cube.
Tangled earbuds are the new rubik's cube.
Paxochka
A low battery and full bladder is the new torture.
A low battery and full bladder is the new torture.
Paxochka
I hate being happy because it makes my tweets suck.
I hate being happy because it makes my tweets suck.
Paxochka
If you're unsure of what you'll need to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, look inside a shopping cart this Thanksgiving and take notes.
If you're unsure of what you'll need to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, look inside a shopping cart this Thanksgiving and take notes.
Paxochka
I am woman hear me ROAAAoh is that chocolate?
I am woman hear me ROAAAoh is that chocolate?
Paxochka
There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.
There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.
Paxochka
For my birthday I'm going somewhere with no internet access. Pretty sure this will involve time travel and possibly dinosaurs.
For my birthday I'm going somewhere with no internet access. Pretty sure this will involve time travel and possibly dinosaurs.
Paxochka
I want "Wake me if anything cool happens" on my tombstone.
I want "Wake me if anything cool happens" on my tombstone.
Paxochka
What do you call it again where you think of a tweet while you're offline so you have to say it out loud? Conversation?
What do you call it again where you think of a tweet while you're offline so you have to say it out loud? Conversation?
Paxochka
Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand not his ass or he'd have shot out web every time he farted.
Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand not his ass or he'd have shot out web every time he farted.
Paxochka
When anyone refers to Scarlett Johannson's "body of work" after today they're not talking about her film roles.
When anyone refers to Scarlett Johannson's "body of work" after today they're not talking about her film roles.
Paxochka
If fake tans make you look more attractive then logically so will rolling your naked body in Cheetos dust.
If fake tans make you look more attractive then logically so will rolling your naked body in Cheetos dust.
Paxochka
If you're driving a Porsche in traffic I'm not letting you in because life already let you in enough.
If you're driving a Porsche in traffic I'm not letting you in because life already let you in enough.
Paxochka
I learned today that "bust a nut" doesn't mean "work really hard" and boy aren't I embarrassed about using it in all those work memos.
I learned today that "bust a nut" doesn't mean "work really hard" and boy aren't I embarrassed about using it in all those work memos.
Paxochka
No really, keep talking. I'm just training for the eyeroll olympics.
No really, keep talking. I'm just training for the eyeroll olympics.
Paxochka
I don't answer unexpected knocks on the door in case it's the beginning of a very polite Zombie Apocalypse.
I don't answer unexpected knocks on the door in case it's the beginning of a very polite Zombie Apocalypse.
Paxochka
My work ethic could best be described as "procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH FUCK right before the deadline."
My work ethic could best be described as "procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH FUCK right before the deadline."
Paxochka
If accounts on every social media site have taught me anything it's that I'm so glad my family doesn't know my username.
If accounts on every social media site have taught me anything it's that I'm so glad my family doesn't know my username.
Paxochka
Nothing intrigues me more than wondering who inspired the DO NOT DRINK stickers on the back of cement trucks.
Nothing intrigues me more than wondering who inspired the DO NOT DRINK stickers on the back of cement trucks.
Paxochka
My head and I are not on speaking terms this morning. I suddenly know what it's like to be a man.
My head and I are not on speaking terms this morning. I suddenly know what it's like to be a man.
Paxochka
I'd be surprised if no one had ever tried to get pity sex using their Web MD results. "But, baby, I'm dying..."
I'd be surprised if no one had ever tried to get pity sex using their Web MD results. "But, baby, I'm dying..."
Paxochka
When you sit next to a talker at the movies you're allowed to hit them in the face and move seats. It's in the ticket fine print.
When you sit next to a talker at the movies you're allowed to hit them in the face and move seats. It's in the ticket fine print.
Paxochka
I really hope everything we know about Zombies is accurate because if they're smart I'm going to need a Plan B.
I really hope everything we know about Zombies is accurate because if they're smart I'm going to need a Plan B.
Paxochka
Judging by my handwriting possible future career choices include doctor or kindergartner.
Judging by my handwriting possible future career choices include doctor or kindergartner.
Paxochka
After ten minutes trying to explain twitter to a friend I gave up and told her it was a pyramid scheme.
After ten minutes trying to explain twitter to a friend I gave up and told her it was a pyramid scheme.
Paxochka
You know when you find the BEST hiding place ever to keep something safe and it's so good you forget where it was? That's me and passwords.
You know when you find the BEST hiding place ever to keep something safe and it's so good you forget where it was? That's me and passwords.
Paxochka
Church is one of the few places you get on your knees BEFORE a guy gives you wine.
Church is one of the few places you get on your knees BEFORE a guy gives you wine.
Paxochka
Anyone need a break up line? "It's not you... but maybe it's Maybelline. Clowns wear less makeup than you"
Anyone need a break up line? "It's not you... but maybe it's Maybelline. Clowns wear less makeup than you"
Paxochka
I don't make typos. I make new words.
I don't make typos. I make new words.
Paxochka
So many weirdos, so little internet.
So many weirdos, so little internet.
Paxochka
My private health insurance really needs to start covering retail therapy.
My private health insurance really needs to start covering retail therapy.
Paxochka
I really wish my boss would fall for the "but all my friends are allowed to be late to work" excuse.
I really wish my boss would fall for the "but all my friends are allowed to be late to work" excuse.
Paxochka
I'm crossing my fingers that the rapture gets here before my bank statement does.
I'm crossing my fingers that the rapture gets here before my bank statement does.
Paxochka
All the Mothers Day advertisements say to buy a gift that says you love her. I'm more in the market for a gift that says "you're a bitch".
All the Mothers Day advertisements say to buy a gift that says you love her. I'm more in the market for a gift that says "you're a bitch".
Paxochka
Arguing with autocorrect is the new yelling at the television.
Arguing with autocorrect is the new yelling at the television.
Paxochka
If you're ever unsure whether a person is a muppet or a human try shoving your hand up their ass.
If you're ever unsure whether a person is a muppet or a human try shoving your hand up their ass.
Paxochka
When will forms stop asking me if I'm Mrs, Miss, or Ms and realise I'm an @?
When will forms stop asking me if I'm Mrs, Miss, or Ms and realise I'm an @?
Paxochka
It's one of those days where you'll be lucky not to see me on the news.
It's one of those days where you'll be lucky not to see me on the news.
Paxochka
I'm great with kids because mentally I'm on their level.
I'm great with kids because mentally I'm on their level.
Paxochka
Wouldn't it be great if twitter had a roped off VIP section where celebrities could keep their boring tweets to themselves?
Wouldn't it be great if twitter had a roped off VIP section where celebrities could keep their boring tweets to themselves?
Paxochka
People say you never see ninjas but I see their girlfriends hanging around mosques all the damn time.
People say you never see ninjas but I see their girlfriends hanging around mosques all the damn time.
Paxochka
Apparently I can tell the future. If I want something really bad I know it won't happen.
Apparently I can tell the future. If I want something really bad I know it won't happen.
Paxochka
Can someone explain to me why I agreed to go camping this weekend? I'm pretty sure tents don't have wifi and I will most likely die.
Can someone explain to me why I agreed to go camping this weekend? I'm pretty sure tents don't have wifi and I will most likely die.
Paxochka
Is it too much to ask that my gay friends flamboyantly leap from closets when I visit their houses?
Is it too much to ask that my gay friends flamboyantly leap from closets when I visit their houses?
Paxochka
I can't be the only person who hears the phone ringing and says "oh fuck, what NOW?"
I can't be the only person who hears the phone ringing and says "oh fuck, what NOW?"
Paxochka
I'll accept the 'fat fingers' excuse for typos but if you fuck up your/you're I'm going to need to see a doctor's note explaining your IQ.
I'll accept the 'fat fingers' excuse for typos but if you fuck up your/you're I'm going to need to see a doctor's note explaining your IQ.
Paxochka
According to the "you snooze you lose" principle insomnia makes us winners.
According to the "you snooze you lose" principle insomnia makes us winners.
Paxochka
Do you ever look at teachers and think "I could do that" and then remember you hate kids?
Do you ever look at teachers and think "I could do that" and then remember you hate kids?
Paxochka
Worrying that ghosts watch you use the toilet is a pretty legitimate concern.
Worrying that ghosts watch you use the toilet is a pretty legitimate concern.
Paxochka
Starting now, every hour, on the hour, walk up to a stranger and slip the tongue in. Because it's midnight somewhere. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Starting now, every hour, on the hour, walk up to a stranger and slip the tongue in. Because it's midnight somewhere. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Paxochka
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder as well.
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder as well.
Paxochka
We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.
We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.
Paxochka
The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.
The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.
Paxochka
I'd rather pick my nose in traffic than arrive at my destination with a crusty booger. Anyone who says different is a liar.
I'd rather pick my nose in traffic than arrive at my destination with a crusty booger. Anyone who says different is a liar.
Paxochka
Mary faked a smile when she opened the frankincense and myrrh.
Mary faked a smile when she opened the frankincense and myrrh.
Paxochka
Thank you, possum, for rustling outside the window when some show about serial killers is on. It really helped with my insomnia.
Thank you, possum, for rustling outside the window when some show about serial killers is on. It really helped with my insomnia.
Paxochka
I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.
I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.
Paxochka
It's no fun when someone you're ignoring ignores you back.
It's no fun when someone you're ignoring ignores you back.
Paxochka
Every tweet has 140 characters and if some of you learned the difference between it's and its you'd have one to spare.
Every tweet has 140 characters and if some of you learned the difference between it's and its you'd have one to spare.
Paxochka
Well-behaved is past tense for me.
Well-behaved is past tense for me.
Paxochka
I was very impressed by this child's witch costume. Until I realised she was just an ugly midget in a black dress.
I was very impressed by this child's witch costume. Until I realised she was just an ugly midget in a black dress.
Paxochka
Honestly if I had a brain I'd... probably not admit to being stupid publicly for a start.
Honestly if I had a brain I'd... probably not admit to being stupid publicly for a start.
Paxochka
Do you think all these parents who named their daughters after flowers really gave much thought to how much teenage boys like to pluck?
Do you think all these parents who named their daughters after flowers really gave much thought to how much teenage boys like to pluck?
Paxochka
I picked my nose in traffic today. Secretly hoping a tweeter who had run out of joke material saw me. You've gotta give to get, people.
I picked my nose in traffic today. Secretly hoping a tweeter who had run out of joke material saw me. You've gotta give to get, people.
Paxochka
I'm glad I didn't go to primary school with Freud. I bet his "your mom" jokes made a few kids cry.
I'm glad I didn't go to primary school with Freud. I bet his "your mom" jokes made a few kids cry.
Paxochka
If only Darwinian theory worked on request.
If only Darwinian theory worked on request.
Paxochka
I told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.
I told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.
Paxochka
What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings? If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this.
What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings? If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this.
Paxochka
Just wrote "Rhanks" to someone. Who am I? Scooby Doo?
Just wrote "Rhanks" to someone. Who am I? Scooby Doo?
Paxochka
Strangers have the best candy.
Strangers have the best candy.
Paxochka
When you tell me to behave you really should be more specific. Behaving badly is still behaving. Technically...
When you tell me to behave you really should be more specific. Behaving badly is still behaving. Technically...
Paxochka
You auto complete me.
You auto complete me.