@SamGrittner
In 2021 you’ll have 3 job options: Amazon employee, OnlyFans, or dead.
In 2021 you’ll have 3 job options: Amazon employee, OnlyFans, or dead.
Tweets by @SamGrittner added on Fun Tweets.
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@SamGrittner
Donald Trump Jr. is what you get when you try and make a person out of forged permission slips and cocaine.
Donald Trump Jr. is what you get when you try and make a person out of forged permission slips and cocaine.
@SamGrittner
REPUBLICAN (running for office): We need to make haircuts safer! REPUBLICAN (in office): Haircuts will only be done using chainsaws.
REPUBLICAN (running for office): We need to make haircuts safer! REPUBLICAN (in office): Haircuts will only be done using chainsaws.
@SamGrittner
Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.
@SamGrittner
Uber driver just asked me "how much would you pay to go swimming in the sky?" I wish I hadn't seen how dilated his pupils were. Also, $975.
Uber driver just asked me "how much would you pay to go swimming in the sky?" I wish I hadn't seen how dilated his pupils were. Also, $975.
@SamGrittner
Dudes don’t like it when you ask if their salmon-colored pants are wild or farm-raised
Dudes don’t like it when you ask if their salmon-colored pants are wild or farm-raised
@SamGrittner
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
@SamGrittner
Welcome to White Privilege 101, if you have no idea why you're here that's exactly why you're here.
Welcome to White Privilege 101, if you have no idea why you're here that's exactly why you're here.
@SamGrittner
POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
@SamGrittner
I'm 32. I don't have haters. I have too much debt and teeth that shifted from not wearing a retainer.
I'm 32. I don't have haters. I have too much debt and teeth that shifted from not wearing a retainer.
@SamGrittner
The inventor of the calculator is one of the few people in life that actually made something that counts.
The inventor of the calculator is one of the few people in life that actually made something that counts.
@SamGrittner
Life is what happens when you're busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Life is what happens when you're busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
@SamGrittner
TEXT "TEXT" TO TEXT TO DONATE A TEXT TO TEXT
TEXT "TEXT" TO TEXT TO DONATE A TEXT TO TEXT
@SamGrittner
"I made bank today." - Inarticulate Construction Worker
"I made bank today." - Inarticulate Construction Worker
@SamGrittner
"Ok. Breathe. Retrace your steps. You went to the beach, carried that dude, stopped for Quizno's, got your hair cut..." -God loses his keys
"Ok. Breathe. Retrace your steps. You went to the beach, carried that dude, stopped for Quizno's, got your hair cut..." -God loses his keys
@SamGrittner
"Just Do It" - Nike/Alcohol
"Just Do It" - Nike/Alcohol
@SamGrittner
I'm writing a book about how people can free themselves from taking pictures of themselves. It's a selfie-help book.
I'm writing a book about how people can free themselves from taking pictures of themselves. It's a selfie-help book.
@SamGrittner
I'm going cold turkey (eating leftovers).
I'm going cold turkey (eating leftovers).
@SamGrittner
You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.
You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.
@SamGrittner
Bill Clinton is so amazing at speeches because he just imagines the audience naked.
Bill Clinton is so amazing at speeches because he just imagines the audience naked.
@SamGrittner
"Keep that upside-down frown right where it is!" - Botox Patient Saying
"Keep that upside-down frown right where it is!" - Botox Patient Saying
@SamGrittner
"We are the 1%!" - People on MySpace
"We are the 1%!" - People on MySpace
@SamGrittner
So sad when gay kids get beat up for their brunch money.
So sad when gay kids get beat up for their brunch money.
@SamGrittner
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
@SamGrittner
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
@SamGrittner
Stephen Tyler looks like he's made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke.
Stephen Tyler looks like he's made from leftover pieces of Mickey Rourke.
@SamGrittner
I'm in such a weird place in my life right now. Literally. This shop only sells Owls and Mayonnaise.
I'm in such a weird place in my life right now. Literally. This shop only sells Owls and Mayonnaise.
@SamGrittner
Don't hate the PLAYA... hate the Spanish word for beach.
Don't hate the PLAYA... hate the Spanish word for beach.
@SamGrittner
I like drawing frat boys on passed out dicks.
I like drawing frat boys on passed out dicks.
@SamGrittner
WEIRD BUT TRUE: If you put enough granola in the tailpipe of a Prius, a Slam Poet will receive a Tote Bag from NPR.
WEIRD BUT TRUE: If you put enough granola in the tailpipe of a Prius, a Slam Poet will receive a Tote Bag from NPR.
@SamGrittner
If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities
If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities
@SamGrittner
Just payed a cab driver $10 not to beat two dudes with a tire iron because they didn't have cab fare. #fact #trueshit #newyorkmoment
Just payed a cab driver $10 not to beat two dudes with a tire iron because they didn't have cab fare. #fact #trueshit #newyorkmoment