@Schmoodles
Give a man a fish & he'll probably stick his dick in it. Teach a man to fish & he'll just keep fucking the fish you gave him. Men are weird.
@Schmoodles
I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road. :(
@Schmoodles
A cactus as a houseplant is a good way to let people know that you've killed every other living thing that you've ever been responsible for.
@Schmoodles
My friend texts "ur" instead of "you're" but puts extra letters in "so" because she's "soooo happy." This is why everyone hates you, Julie.
@Schmoodles
It's totally amazing how cars run on dinosaur poop or however the fuck fossils work. I'm not a dinosaur scientition over here. Fuck's sake.
@Schmoodles
I don't let my cat outside. I'm worried he might talk to other cats & find out that their owners don't force them to wear little party hats.
@Schmoodles
If you've never had a 4 hour conversation about which cartoon character gives the best blowjobs, then I question your commitment to tequila.
@Schmoodles
You could film me for a month and still not have enough footage for a 30 second 'Rocky training' typed montage of my productiveness at work.