Tweets by @Schmoodles added on Fun Tweets.


Apr 23 2013 Retweet
@Schmoodles
Give a man a fish & he'll probably stick his dick in it. Teach a man to fish & he'll just keep fucking the fish you gave him. Men are weird.
Mar 15 2013 Retweet
@Schmoodles
I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road. :(
Jan 15 2013 Retweet
@Schmoodles
You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
Jan 10 2013 Retweet
@Schmoodles
A cactus as a houseplant is a good way to let people know that you've killed every other living thing that you've ever been responsible for.
Dec 11 Retweet
@Schmoodles
My friend texts "ur" instead of "you're" but puts extra letters in "so" because she's "soooo happy." This is why everyone hates you, Julie.
Nov 16 Retweet
@Schmoodles
My doctor recommended that I should stab an unsuspecting coworker, or do some anger management or something.
Nov 15 Retweet
@Schmoodles
Dear Men. When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for fuck's sake don't not ask her what's wrong either. Hope this helps.
Oct 24 Retweet
@Schmoodles
If you tell me to make myself at home, don't be surprised when I take my pants off and drink all your vodka.
Sep 27 Retweet
@Schmoodles
It's totally amazing how cars run on dinosaur poop or however the fuck fossils work. I'm not a dinosaur scientition over here. Fuck's sake.
Sep 25 Retweet
@Schmoodles
I don't let my cat outside. I'm worried he might talk to other cats & find out that their owners don't force them to wear little party hats.
Sep 24 Retweet
@Schmoodles
If you've never had a 4 hour conversation about which cartoon character gives the best blowjobs, then I question your commitment to tequila.
Sep 13 Retweet
@Schmoodles
The book I'm reading says "4-6 years" on the cover, but there's only like 6 words on each page. I'll be finished by the end of the week.
Sep 10 Retweet
@Schmoodles
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an f. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.
Sep 3 Retweet
@Schmoodles
Kurt Cobain shot himself because he couldn't live with the guilt of drowning 18 babies to get 1 usable photo for an album cover.
Jun 18 Retweet
@Schmoodles
Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.
Jun 13 Retweet
@Schmoodles
Do people who own guns walk around the house with them and pretend they're Black & Decker power drills?
Jun 12 Retweet
@Schmoodles
"Cheese cannon!" "Terminator eyes!" "Solar powered cat translator!" I'm the reason genies limit you to 3 wishes.
Jun 5 Retweet
@Schmoodles
There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in... "Everyone in this office is an idiot & I work better by myself."
May 19 Retweet
@Schmoodles
I like to stand next to someone else's screaming baby, call an ex boyfriend, and tell him, "We need to talk!"
Apr 18 Retweet
@Schmoodles
I'm going to keep buying cats until one of them does something hilarious and makes me a YouTube millionaire.
Nov 3 2011 Retweet
@Schmoodles
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.
Submitted by @fatpita
Nov 2 2011 Retweet
@Schmoodles
The elevators are broken & I work on the 17th floor. Pretty sure I'm the first person ever to use the phone in reception to call in sick.
Oct 2 2011 Retweet
@Schmoodles
I admire the way that, even with millions of followers, celebrities on Twitter rarely succumb to the pressure to be funny.
Sep 12 2011 Retweet
@Schmoodles
I don't know what the thickness limit on the office laminator is, but I'm sure as fuck not stopping until I have a waterproof cat.
Jul 27 2011 Retweet
@Schmoodles
You could film me for a month and still not have enough footage for a 30 second 'Rocky training' typed montage of my productiveness at work.