@SlappNuttz
“Everybody will have friends with benefits!” - Supreme Court
“Everybody will have friends with benefits!” - Supreme Court
Tweets by @SlappNuttz added on Fun Tweets.
@SlappNuttz
I wonder if I could save more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico wasn't paying for so many fucking commercials?
I wonder if I could save more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico wasn't paying for so many fucking commercials?
@SlappNuttz
You know that you are ghetto when you can fit 110 words into 140 characters.
You know that you are ghetto when you can fit 110 words into 140 characters.
@SlappNuttz
Show me on this calendar where the bad Monday touched you.
Show me on this calendar where the bad Monday touched you.
@SlappNuttz
My handheld social networking device is ringing! What do I do?
My handheld social networking device is ringing! What do I do?
@SlappNuttz
Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.
Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.
@SlappNuttz
I figured out that if I have my kids hold on to my cell phone, I will never forget them anywhere again.
I figured out that if I have my kids hold on to my cell phone, I will never forget them anywhere again.
@SlappNuttz
I have a dream, that one day white socks & black shoes can be together without hatred. And not just because I accidentally wore them today.
I have a dream, that one day white socks & black shoes can be together without hatred. And not just because I accidentally wore them today.
@SlappNuttz
They really need to add a "download this song illegally" button on Pandora.
They really need to add a "download this song illegally" button on Pandora.
@SlappNuttz
This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that I just found a lump on her breast.
This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that I just found a lump on her breast.
@SlappNuttz
If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
@SlappNuttz
Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.
Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.
@SlappNuttz
My number one rule to live by is: Don't die.
My number one rule to live by is: Don't die.
@SlappNuttz
I'm so pissed right now I'm going to open a can of... what the hell, when did they start putting child proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass?
I'm so pissed right now I'm going to open a can of... what the hell, when did they start putting child proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass?
@SlappNuttz
"I like big butts and I can not lie" - Some homeless guy sifting through an ashtray.
"I like big butts and I can not lie" - Some homeless guy sifting through an ashtray.
@SlappNuttz
This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I took too many Vicodin.
This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I took too many Vicodin.
@SlappNuttz
Walking a straight line and tweeting is hard enough without this asshole shining a flashlight in my eyes.
Walking a straight line and tweeting is hard enough without this asshole shining a flashlight in my eyes.
@SlappNuttz
My 9 year old son - "If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me."
My 9 year old son - "If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me."
@SlappNuttz
Remember when only the really cool people were on Twitter? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad...
Remember when only the really cool people were on Twitter? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad...
@SlappNuttz
I think this unicorn may be drunk, 'cause he's not making ANY sense!
I think this unicorn may be drunk, 'cause he's not making ANY sense!
@SlappNuttz
My wife always finds a reason to hate every girl that I bring home.
My wife always finds a reason to hate every girl that I bring home.
@SlappNuttz
I have the attention span of a... Have I ever told you how much I like porn?
I have the attention span of a... Have I ever told you how much I like porn?
@SlappNuttz
My doctor told me that I have ADHD but when I got home and checked, I still only have basic cable. Lying bastard!
My doctor told me that I have ADHD but when I got home and checked, I still only have basic cable. Lying bastard!
@SlappNuttz
Some of you talk more than my wife. The good news is I can just unfollow you instead of burying you in the back yard to shut you up.
Some of you talk more than my wife. The good news is I can just unfollow you instead of burying you in the back yard to shut you up.
@SlappNuttz
I'd have sex with you but I'm married... and she's staring at us right now... quick she looked away!
I'd have sex with you but I'm married... and she's staring at us right now... quick she looked away!
@SlappNuttz
I just freaked out! I woke up from a nap to find that my phone and wife were missing. It's all good though. I found my phone.
I just freaked out! I woke up from a nap to find that my phone and wife were missing. It's all good though. I found my phone.
@SlappNuttz
Wife - I want you to take off my bra and panties. Me - Done, now what? Wife - Put some clothes on and quit wearing my underwear! Me - ...
Wife - I want you to take off my bra and panties. Me - Done, now what? Wife - Put some clothes on and quit wearing my underwear! Me - ...
@SlappNuttz
God has cursed me with thoughts that come in 147 characters.
God has cursed me with thoughts that come in 147 characters.
@SlappNuttz
When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her? Thanks. Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme.
When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her? Thanks. Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme.
@SlappNuttz
Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over? Me- Because I fucked your mom? Cop- Get out of the car! Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?
Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over? Me- Because I fucked your mom? Cop- Get out of the car! Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?