@TheBlessMess
I'm more afraid of the shitty music my family is going to play at my funeral than I am of dying.

@TheBlessMess
Who the fuck looks at a baby and thinks "Let's name him Mitt?"

@TheBlessMess
My version of "Free hugs" is a sign hung around my neck that says "Ewww, get the fuck away from me."

@TheBlessMess
Nothing kills a good party buzz like the paramedics showing up and acting like drama queens.

@TheBlessMess
When my son goes to a party I always tell him "No drinking, no drugs and ALWAYS be the first person in a Human Centipede chain."

@TheBlessMess
The older Cameron Diaz gets, the more she and Mickey Rourke look like brothers.