TheBosha
I actually like the smell of moth balls, but it's so hard to hold them still without hurting their little wings.
I actually like the smell of moth balls, but it's so hard to hold them still without hurting their little wings.
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TheBosha
Startin' a band with some guys I used to work with called LinkedIn Park.
Startin' a band with some guys I used to work with called LinkedIn Park.
TheBosha
You're "gluten free?" How nice. I'm mostly "money free" so I can't be so fuckin' picky.
You're "gluten free?" How nice. I'm mostly "money free" so I can't be so fuckin' picky.
TheBosha
World population will soon pass 7 billion, over twice the people of just 50 years ago, and I can still only find about 3 that I can stand.
World population will soon pass 7 billion, over twice the people of just 50 years ago, and I can still only find about 3 that I can stand.
TheBosha
The Feds say that marijuana has no accepted medical use, overlooking how it could help 20 million unemployed Americans not give a shit.
The Feds say that marijuana has no accepted medical use, overlooking how it could help 20 million unemployed Americans not give a shit.
TheBosha
Going by the amount of beer I consume I think I'm technically a vegan.
Going by the amount of beer I consume I think I'm technically a vegan.
TheBosha
Jesus just called about Saturday. He wants to know if he can bring anything.
Jesus just called about Saturday. He wants to know if he can bring anything.
TheBosha
Had to get up at 8 o'clock to work. That's 8 in the MORNING. Like a fucking farmer or something.
Had to get up at 8 o'clock to work. That's 8 in the MORNING. Like a fucking farmer or something.
TheBosha
If you honestly think I want to hear about the details of your dream you're still fucking dreaming.
If you honestly think I want to hear about the details of your dream you're still fucking dreaming.
TheBosha
Trying to act like I tripped on purpose has become something of a full time job.
Trying to act like I tripped on purpose has become something of a full time job.
TheBosha
A woman told me I seem like I "need a blowjob," which has all the insight of a psychic telling a crowd "someone here has lost a loved one."
A woman told me I seem like I "need a blowjob," which has all the insight of a psychic telling a crowd "someone here has lost a loved one."
TheBosha
Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You'll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they're out there.
Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You'll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they're out there.
TheBosha
Vegetarians must hate themselves because they're made of meat.
Vegetarians must hate themselves because they're made of meat.
TheBosha
Both Christmas and New Years fell on a weekend this year, which had to suck for the four or five of you that still have jobs.
Both Christmas and New Years fell on a weekend this year, which had to suck for the four or five of you that still have jobs.
TheBosha
Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.
Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.
TheBosha
New information has come into my possession that reveals a significant percentage of you are full of shit.
New information has come into my possession that reveals a significant percentage of you are full of shit.
TheBosha
Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.
Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.
TheBosha
Fine, don't vote, but then remember to be quiet and don't interrupt when the grownups are talking.
Fine, don't vote, but then remember to be quiet and don't interrupt when the grownups are talking.
TheBosha
I wonder what those old comedians who made livings cracking wise about airline food are doing now that there's no such thing.
I wonder what those old comedians who made livings cracking wise about airline food are doing now that there's no such thing.
TheBosha
They had 3D HD in the 60s only it was a lot cheaper and called LSD.
They had 3D HD in the 60s only it was a lot cheaper and called LSD.
TheBosha
First "gay" now "glee." Are you guys going to take every synonym for "happy" or leave us one or two Christmas carols kids don't giggle at?
First "gay" now "glee." Are you guys going to take every synonym for "happy" or leave us one or two Christmas carols kids don't giggle at?
TheBosha
The next time you're tempted to crack an easy joke about a typo on a Chinese menu, consider how well you write in Mandarin or Cantonese.
The next time you're tempted to crack an easy joke about a typo on a Chinese menu, consider how well you write in Mandarin or Cantonese.
TheBosha
I just took the garbage out. In 3D.
I just took the garbage out. In 3D.
TheBosha
You don't really know someone until you observe their behavior around an unlimited salad bar.
You don't really know someone until you observe their behavior around an unlimited salad bar.
TheBosha
I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD and I'm like YO.
I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD and I'm like YO.
TheBosha
What if we had an internet and nobody came?
What if we had an internet and nobody came?
TheBosha
My Memory Lane is now mostly traffic cones.
My Memory Lane is now mostly traffic cones.
TheBosha
Sometimes I watch Spike TV just to be reassured that I'm not even close to being the biggest asshole in the world.
Sometimes I watch Spike TV just to be reassured that I'm not even close to being the biggest asshole in the world.
TheBosha
Why deal with the petty hassles of being in an actual relationship when you can watch Corona commercials and remember why you're single?
Why deal with the petty hassles of being in an actual relationship when you can watch Corona commercials and remember why you're single?
TheBosha
You're all great. Or suck. Actually I'm going to need you to sort yourselves into two orderly rows.
You're all great. Or suck. Actually I'm going to need you to sort yourselves into two orderly rows.
TheBosha
Fuck you, Mike's. It's not "Lemonade for Grownups," it's Beer for Babies.
Fuck you, Mike's. It's not "Lemonade for Grownups," it's Beer for Babies.
TheBosha
I'd enjoy your sports/movie/pop-star jokes a lot more if I didn't have to spend 10 minutes on Google figuring out if they're funny or not.
I'd enjoy your sports/movie/pop-star jokes a lot more if I didn't have to spend 10 minutes on Google figuring out if they're funny or not.
TheBosha
People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.
People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.
TheBosha
Don't you just hate it when you BP red wine on a white tablecloth? [New verb. Make it so.]
Don't you just hate it when you BP red wine on a white tablecloth? [New verb. Make it so.]
TheBosha
Yes, Banner Ads, we want to check our Credit Scores. Almost as much as we want to pick people up at the airport and see our parents fucking.
Yes, Banner Ads, we want to check our Credit Scores. Almost as much as we want to pick people up at the airport and see our parents fucking.
TheBosha
Dammit Springsteen, I was born in the USA too but you don't see me making millions in monthly residuals from a 20 year old song about it.
Dammit Springsteen, I was born in the USA too but you don't see me making millions in monthly residuals from a 20 year old song about it.
TheBosha
She said she liked bad boys. So I de-alphabetized her DVD's and set fire to her little yippie dogs. Still didn't get laid. Fucking women.
She said she liked bad boys. So I de-alphabetized her DVD's and set fire to her little yippie dogs. Still didn't get laid. Fucking women.
TheBosha
Happy Fourtho de Mayo.
Happy Fourtho de Mayo.
TheBosha
If you message me with thanks, please include what you're thanking me for. I've been counting my money and sniffing my fingers all morning.
If you message me with thanks, please include what you're thanking me for. I've been counting my money and sniffing my fingers all morning.
TheBosha
Guys GUYS wait! Stay awake, for God's sake stay awake because I just found out if you die on Twitter YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!
Guys GUYS wait! Stay awake, for God's sake stay awake because I just found out if you die on Twitter YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!
TheBosha
Holy shit. Just realized that my last girlfriend was born the same year I got my first credit card. And I'm not even hot like Larry King.
Holy shit. Just realized that my last girlfriend was born the same year I got my first credit card. And I'm not even hot like Larry King.
TheBosha
Tried to "Catch 'em all," but who wouldn't get sick of that imperious little prick Pikachu always referring to himself in the third person?
Tried to "Catch 'em all," but who wouldn't get sick of that imperious little prick Pikachu always referring to himself in the third person?
TheBosha
Recall how as children we were told not to make ugly faces because we'd "stick that way?" Careful. It works for dumbing ourselves down, too.
Recall how as children we were told not to make ugly faces because we'd "stick that way?" Careful. It works for dumbing ourselves down, too.
TheBosha
I'd never appear on Leno now because I have strict ethical standards, so next time you're watching Leno and you don't see me that's why.
I'd never appear on Leno now because I have strict ethical standards, so next time you're watching Leno and you don't see me that's why.
TheBosha
This month is called "February," that stuff is called "snow" and unless you live in what's called the "tropics," drop the shock and awe.
This month is called "February," that stuff is called "snow" and unless you live in what's called the "tropics," drop the shock and awe.
TheBosha
One wonders if actual douche bags are now available in Ed Hardy designs.
One wonders if actual douche bags are now available in Ed Hardy designs.
TheBosha
Employers are now blocking Twitter at the office. Is there a way I can do that on my home computer? Asking for a guy who should be working.
Employers are now blocking Twitter at the office. Is there a way I can do that on my home computer? Asking for a guy who should be working.
TheBosha
Ear wax is disgusting. But when you're out of Vegemite, you're out of Vegemite.
Ear wax is disgusting. But when you're out of Vegemite, you're out of Vegemite.
TheBosha
No wonder ghosts can be disruptive. Some are hundreds of years old and they have to hear us say shit like "My mouse is out of batteries."
No wonder ghosts can be disruptive. Some are hundreds of years old and they have to hear us say shit like "My mouse is out of batteries."
TheBosha
Just got back from my wild New Years Eve outing and shoveled my parents sidewalks. 'Cause that's the way middle-aged white guys roll. Yo.
Just got back from my wild New Years Eve outing and shoveled my parents sidewalks. 'Cause that's the way middle-aged white guys roll. Yo.