@Ty_Schutz
I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.
I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.
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@Ty_Schutz
Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
@Ty_Schutz
Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.
Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.
@Ty_Schutz
Trying to make my teeth whiter, so I bought them a Subaru.
Trying to make my teeth whiter, so I bought them a Subaru.
@Ty_Schutz
Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"
Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"
@Ty_Schutz
Apparently, the serving size for Oreos is "until you feel gross."
Apparently, the serving size for Oreos is "until you feel gross."
@Ty_Schutz
Idea: An animated sitcom where the characters age and change clothes.
Idea: An animated sitcom where the characters age and change clothes.
@Ty_Schutz
It's not 'easter', it's 'more east'. So stupid.
It's not 'easter', it's 'more east'. So stupid.
@Ty_Schutz
Every yo-yo trick should be called "no friends."
Every yo-yo trick should be called "no friends."
@Ty_Schutz
I say "parched" so everyone knows I'm thirsty AND an asshole.
I say "parched" so everyone knows I'm thirsty AND an asshole.
@Ty_Schutz
My overnight bag is just a backpack full of Sour Patch Kids.
My overnight bag is just a backpack full of Sour Patch Kids.
@Ty_Schutz
Just threw away a trash can. That was weird.
Just threw away a trash can. That was weird.
@Ty_Schutz
At this point, every item on drive-thru menus should have "Uhhh..." in front of it.
At this point, every item on drive-thru menus should have "Uhhh..." in front of it.
@Ty_Schutz
A person's tongue immediately becomes a toothbrush after you mention "teeth" in a conversation.
A person's tongue immediately becomes a toothbrush after you mention "teeth" in a conversation.
@Ty_Schutz
Without him, I'd be tweeting from a BlackBerry like some sort of fucking asshole. RIP Steve Jobs
Without him, I'd be tweeting from a BlackBerry like some sort of fucking asshole. RIP Steve Jobs
@Ty_Schutz
Still looking both ways on one-way streets.
Still looking both ways on one-way streets.
@Ty_Schutz
Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
@Ty_Schutz
A sarcastic thumbs-up is a good substitute for the middle finger.
A sarcastic thumbs-up is a good substitute for the middle finger.
@Ty_Schutz
I want attention, but not TOO much attention. Please pay medium attention to me.
I want attention, but not TOO much attention. Please pay medium attention to me.
@Ty_Schutz
Ice cream sandwich listens intently through the wall of the refrigerator as turkey and mayo whisper, "He's not a real sandwich."
Ice cream sandwich listens intently through the wall of the refrigerator as turkey and mayo whisper, "He's not a real sandwich."
@Ty_Schutz
Why would anyone want to remove their laser hair?
Why would anyone want to remove their laser hair?
@Ty_Schutz
I'm basically just waiting to eat again.
I'm basically just waiting to eat again.
@Ty_Schutz
"Do unto others and stuff." (Lesser-known brother, Josh Christ)
"Do unto others and stuff." (Lesser-known brother, Josh Christ)
@Ty_Schutz
I have to mispronounce 'Lincoln' and 'cologne' if I want to spell them correctly.
I have to mispronounce 'Lincoln' and 'cologne' if I want to spell them correctly.
@Ty_Schutz
Although not as effective as finger quotes, finger commas and finger periods are way fun.
Although not as effective as finger quotes, finger commas and finger periods are way fun.
@Ty_Schutz
Lotta single women are getting a "What's up?" text right now.
Lotta single women are getting a "What's up?" text right now.
@Ty_Schutz
Just honked at a red light. That doesn't work.
Just honked at a red light. That doesn't work.
@Ty_Schutz
The first person to ride a horse was probably pretty fucking drunk.
The first person to ride a horse was probably pretty fucking drunk.
@Ty_Schutz
Why be on time when I can make shitty excuses?
Why be on time when I can make shitty excuses?
@Ty_Schutz
Will we just know how to play the harp in heaven, or do we need to arrange lessons beforehand?
Will we just know how to play the harp in heaven, or do we need to arrange lessons beforehand?
@Ty_Schutz
Maybe it's chicken that tastes like everything.
Maybe it's chicken that tastes like everything.
@Ty_Schutz
94% of women will preface their parallel parking with, "I suck at parallel parking."
94% of women will preface their parallel parking with, "I suck at parallel parking."
@Ty_Schutz
Idea for getting laid: Have a friend on the east coast write down Jeopardy answers, then invite your flame over and blow their mind.
Idea for getting laid: Have a friend on the east coast write down Jeopardy answers, then invite your flame over and blow their mind.
@Ty_Schutz
I just changed a light bulb with a beer in my hand if anyone needs a man for something.
I just changed a light bulb with a beer in my hand if anyone needs a man for something.
@Ty_Schutz
Hey, websites, don't worry about me. I'll accept the fuck out of your terms and conditions.
Hey, websites, don't worry about me. I'll accept the fuck out of your terms and conditions.
@Ty_Schutz
Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. Then all of a sudden they're pedestrians.
Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. Then all of a sudden they're pedestrians.
@Ty_Schutz
Nice try, PG-13 comedies.
Nice try, PG-13 comedies.
@Ty_Schutz
Have homeless dudes tried just running a comb through their hair?
Have homeless dudes tried just running a comb through their hair?
@Ty_Schutz
Do we even know if ducks can fart? We should put a guy on that.
Do we even know if ducks can fart? We should put a guy on that.
@Ty_Schutz
My keys always end up in the pocket opposite of my free hand.
My keys always end up in the pocket opposite of my free hand.
@Ty_Schutz
There are assholes, and then there are people who applaud after movies.
There are assholes, and then there are people who applaud after movies.
@Ty_Schutz
Nothing says "I'm single" like a string cheese wrapper in the bathroom trash can.
Nothing says "I'm single" like a string cheese wrapper in the bathroom trash can.
@Ty_Schutz
Got 45 minutes to kill? Watch a senior citizen put a key on a keychain.
Got 45 minutes to kill? Watch a senior citizen put a key on a keychain.
@Ty_Schutz
I hope my car appreciates the wincing when I hit a large pothole.
I hope my car appreciates the wincing when I hit a large pothole.
@Ty_Schutz
When impersonating a coworker, I like to add a little extra dumb to their voice.
When impersonating a coworker, I like to add a little extra dumb to their voice.
@Ty_Schutz
Cherry: I'm pregnant. Tomato: What?! (Origin of the Cherry Tomato)
Cherry: I'm pregnant. Tomato: What?! (Origin of the Cherry Tomato)
@Ty_Schutz
Hippies glare at me when I use plastic bags at the market. I wouldn't need to if this pack of gum had some handles.
Hippies glare at me when I use plastic bags at the market. I wouldn't need to if this pack of gum had some handles.
@Ty_Schutz
It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread.
It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread.
@Ty_Schutz
I bet my fish rolls his eyes when I tell people on the phone how busy I am.
I bet my fish rolls his eyes when I tell people on the phone how busy I am.
@Ty_Schutz
My penis and I have had the same secret handshake for 13 years. Friends forever.
My penis and I have had the same secret handshake for 13 years. Friends forever.