@VerifiedDrunk
I once was lost, but now I'm drunk, was blind but now, I pee.

@VerifiedDrunk
If your idea of a nightcap is passing out drunk on the toilet with a fifth in your hand, we could probably hang out.

@VerifiedDrunk
My retirement plan is to die young and broke.

@VerifiedDrunk
It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right?

@VerifiedDrunk
I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

@VerifiedDrunk
"Do you think I could sell this couch on Craigsface?" --Grandma