Tweets by @adamisacson added on Fun Tweets.
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Oct 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Today I forgot to comb my hair, but people thought I was nice. Then, nothing of consequence happened. So today was every Michael Cera movie.

Jun 6 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Almost yelled "F.U." at another driver, but the kid was in the car. So I yelled, "I'm dedicated to customer service." Just like airlines do.

Nov 16 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Today, Apple is announcing to the world that millions of baby boomers still don't know how to rip mp3 files from their record collections.

Nov 2 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Check-writing-grocery-line lady. No-turn-signal-SUV guy. Recline-seat-into-your-lap man. They're all voting tomorrow. Let's cancel them out.

Nov 1 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
We have much to learn about the fabric of space-time. But we know you can't make a decent sweater out of it. Too scratchy.

Oct 13 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
They can only rescue about one miner per hour, while all the others wait? Who put the DMV in charge of this?

Oct 8 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
You could put me in any city, and I could find a Taco Bell or Chipotle within minutes. My burridar is accurate to about 10 meters.

Sep 20 2010 Retweet

@adamisacson
Just ate a bag of jelly beans. Did you know if you eat a pineapple, a coconut, and a black one together, it tastes like pina colada asphalt?

Sep 13 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Thanks to ringtones, I now associate all my favorite songs with the annoyance and dread of being interrupted and having to talk to somebody.

Aug 26 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
One fun thing about having a crappy car is abruptly shutting off the air conditioner on the highway and pretending you have a hyperdrive.

Aug 25 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
It's odd to hold a "World Series" and not invite other countries. But it's weirder to hold a "Miss Universe" and not invite other planets.

Aug 6 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
There it is again. That feeling that I'm the only one in line who's ever been to an airport before. It's uncanny.

Jul 30 2010 Retweet

@adamisacson
So if you never eat meat or dairy you must never throw up, because what happens in Vegans--ow stop hitting me.

Jul 26 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Temperatures last night dropped into the high 80s. Flannel PJs and a heavy down comforter kept my teeth from chattering too loudly.

May 16 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Judging from what most terrifies my cats, when the apocalypse comes it will be heralded by a great rustling of plastic grocery bags.

Apr 12 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
40 world leaders are in DC tonight. Blocks away, George Clinton is playing a show. Does Joe Biden know what a big funking deal that is?

Apr 10 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
I'd like to plant a grove of trees to remember loved ones who've passed on. But everyone gets weird whenever I talk about my mourning wood.

Apr 10 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Lots of world leaders coming to DC. I hope Obama's Nuclear Summit goes well. Bush's Nucular Monster Truck Rally is a hard act to follow.

Apr 9 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Our cats aren't enjoying the 90-degree heat. But I refuse to apologize for climate change until they apologize for pissing on the carpet.

Apr 7 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way? We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right?

Mar 28 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Whoops, I said "fuck" in front if the kid again. I am the Joe Biden of this family.

Mar 6 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
"Settle down. You can play Whac-a-Mole when the man with the neck tattoo uses up his tokens." Chuck E Cheese is such a special place.

Mar 4 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Ran out of laundry detergent, so I poured in some Windex. It worked OK, except for all the birds smacking into me.

Feb 9 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
This milk's brand name is "Organic Valley." I can't drink it. Too grossed out picturing livers, spleens and pancreases sitting in a valley.

Feb 7 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.

Feb 2 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Biotechnologists should invent a totally transparent groundhog. It'd look creepy as hell, but spring would come early forever.

Feb 1 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
I hate when the urinal auto-flushes while I'm still using it. Did I just cease to exist? Am I back now? If not, where am I peeing?

Feb 1 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Wait. If Toyotas can't stop accelerating, can't they theoretically be used for space travel?

Jan 27 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Twitter's new "local" feature tells me that "goodmorning" and "nowthatsghetto" are trending here in Washington. Wow. This is a game-changer.

Jan 26 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.

Jan 26 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
At the Apple store waiting for a snotty Genius Bar guy. Thinking about how a "crowbar" has nothing to do with crows either.

Jan 24 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Fruit: often disappointing. Salad: always disappointing. Fruit salad: meets expectations.

Jan 24 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Could somebody please explain "free range" eggs? These chickens aren't even born yet. I'd kind of rather they be stationary.

Jan 23 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
They say 1 glass of wine a day is good for your heart. But what about 7 glasses of wine once a week? I'll let you know how that works out.

Jan 22 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Goldman Sachs is trimming bonuses. Conan O'Brien's payout is only $32 million. Anyone know where we can text-message our donations?

Jan 20 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
BestBuy guy: "Do you have a 'first-generation' iPod?" Me: "I guess so. It came on a boat from China. It doesn't have an accent or anything."

Jan 18 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Ever look out the window of a plane and see a huge target on the roof of a Target? Haven't these people ever watched the History Channel?

Jan 15 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Man, the frappes at the grinder place by the rotary are wicked good. Go Sox! Sorry about that. I had 2 Boston Kreme donuts this morning.

Jan 14 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
I've been informed that "Ped Xing" means "Pedestrian Crossing." So what? Child molesters on horseback should get out of my way, too.

Jan 11 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
Canadians would be chagrined to know how many Americans think a "Vancouver" is a big tarp for your VW microbus.

Jan 7 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
It'd be fun to watch screaming monkeys throw poop at each other today, but it's too cold in DC for the zoo. And Congress is out of session.

Dec 31 2009 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
My nephew ran in and jumped on me while I was napping. I handled it well. If "handled it well" means "punched a 9-year-old in the kidneys."

Dec 22 2009 Reply Favorite Retweet

@adamisacson
3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone.