Oct 31 2011 Retweet @awryone Man, it's really hard to get a razor blade into candy corn. Part of a collection
Oct 5 2010 Retweet @awryone Sorta miss my kid today. Guess it's true what they say about not knowing what you've got until you've sold it to a gypsy.
Sep 16 2010 Retweet @awryone A hippie just used "dude" in so many different contexts while talking to me I had to translate using my Brosetta Stone.
Aug 10 2010 Retweet @awryone I hope that your text abbreviations become so short that you can soon send me nothing.
Jul 16 2010 Retweet @awryone Spending a day at the beach is awesome when I dress the ugly girls with my eyes.
Jun 30 2010 Retweet @awryone Just started a new job and apparently they use the word work less figuratively than I do.
May 5 2010 Retweet @awryone Wife just texted me drive slow - cop around the corner so I laughed and showed it to the cop.
Apr 17 2010 Retweet @awryone My mom's MILFshake brings all the boys to the I can't even stomach this joke.
Apr 14 2010 Retweet @awryone Today in 1956 the first videotape recording was made. Your mom was young and needed the money.
Apr 11 2010 Retweet @awryone Today marks a full year of keeping the baby alive. Now I want a goldfish
Apr 10 2010 Retweet @awryone My wife yawned during sex but I really have to blame the dog watching us because he yawned first.
Apr 8 2010 Retweet @awryone To test my kid's readiness for a pet I had her clean up poop in the yard all week and now I can't go back to using the toilet.
Mar 28 2010 Retweet @awryone Only 2 more weeks! My wife promised me that if I kept the baby alive for a year I could get a plant!
Feb 22 2010 Retweet @awryone Listen, kid. When you've spent 4 days eating cat food in a Vietnamese spin-fuck chair for phonics, we'll talk about hooked.
Feb 20 2010 Retweet @awryone They say that all things come in threes and yeah maybe I did too once because I was really drunk and she looked like a five.
Feb 17 2010 Retweet @awryone I like the lack of controversy over the Olympic men's figure skating "No Need to Ask, We'll Tell!" policy.
Feb 14 2010 Retweet @awryone Well, that didn't work. Anybody need 1000 custom candy hearts saying "Threesome?"
Feb 11 2010 Retweet @awryone I don't like paying for pizza because I hate making my pizza feel like a whore.
Feb 5 2010 Retweet @awryone No matter how many times I call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby.
Feb 1 2010 Retweet @awryone I think it's about time we stopped accepting Quasimodo and demanded 100% modo.
Jan 28 2010 Retweet @awryone Man, I really wish I'd noticed that rubber ducky in the toilet BEFORE I pooped.
Jan 20 2010 Retweet @awryone I'm doomed to always think of the best comebacks the next day when the baby isn't even around.
Jan 16 2010 Retweet @awryone I wish there were more dry sex acts like dry-humping. I think I'd really enjoy dry 69.
Dec 9 2009 Retweet @awryone If I were to have an affair I'd make sure to have a signed prehumptial agreement.