@clarkekant
If you want to know what I’m like in bed, try plugging something into a USB port in the dark.
If you want to know what I’m like in bed, try plugging something into a USB port in the dark.
Tweets by @clarkekant added on Fun Tweets.
@clarkekant
Just bought some local farm-fresh free-range artisanal organic grass-fed hormone-free something or other that makes me better than you.
Just bought some local farm-fresh free-range artisanal organic grass-fed hormone-free something or other that makes me better than you.
@clarkekant
Merry Christmas from every fucking person, band and corporation on Facebook to you!
Merry Christmas from every fucking person, band and corporation on Facebook to you!
@clarkekant
I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.
I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.
@clarkekant
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
@clarkekant
I don't really suffer from insomnia. It's more of an all-night panic attack about everything that has and hasn't yet occurred in my life.
I don't really suffer from insomnia. It's more of an all-night panic attack about everything that has and hasn't yet occurred in my life.
@clarkekant
I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a fucking job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."
I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a fucking job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."
@clarkekant
Keyboards should give an electric shock with each keystroke when caps lock is on.
Keyboards should give an electric shock with each keystroke when caps lock is on.
@clarkekant
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
@clarkekant
Mitt Romney 2012: He's not half black.
Mitt Romney 2012: He's not half black.
@clarkekant
"It's been a business doing pleasure with you." - Prostitutes
"It's been a business doing pleasure with you." - Prostitutes
@clarkekant
You do realize that if you save yourself for marriage, you'll only have sex like three or four times ever?
You do realize that if you save yourself for marriage, you'll only have sex like three or four times ever?
@clarkekant
Money can buy happiness. Give me 100 million dollars and I'll prove it to you.
Money can buy happiness. Give me 100 million dollars and I'll prove it to you.
@clarkekant
Just when I think I've run out of tweets, I come up with this one.
Just when I think I've run out of tweets, I come up with this one.
@clarkekant
You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.
You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.
@clarkekant
Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.
Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.
@clarkekant
Religion is like stuffing dollar after dollar into a broken Coke machine and having faith that some day it will work for you.
Religion is like stuffing dollar after dollar into a broken Coke machine and having faith that some day it will work for you.
@clarkekant
I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and hate.
I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and hate.
@clarkekant
I hope my wife and children never learn the things that I have done for a Klondike Bar.
I hope my wife and children never learn the things that I have done for a Klondike Bar.
@clarkekant
Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.
Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.
@clarkekant
Apparently dogs can die if they eat a lot of chocolate. I wish I had a delicious way to kill myself.
Apparently dogs can die if they eat a lot of chocolate. I wish I had a delicious way to kill myself.
@clarkekant
So this is what it's like to grow up. Fucking bullshit is what it is.
So this is what it's like to grow up. Fucking bullshit is what it is.
@clarkekant
Instead of God, try worshipping a golf cart for a few years and see if it makes any difference.
Instead of God, try worshipping a golf cart for a few years and see if it makes any difference.
@clarkekant
Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.
Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.
@clarkekant
God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.
God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.
@clarkekant
If God wanted you in church all morning, why did he invent fun?
If God wanted you in church all morning, why did he invent fun?
@clarkekant
It doesn't matter what kind of brain is attached. Good boobs is good boobs.
It doesn't matter what kind of brain is attached. Good boobs is good boobs.
@clarkekant
10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.
10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.
@clarkekant
A word is worth 1/1000th of a picture.
A word is worth 1/1000th of a picture.
@clarkekant
Hopefully "researching tweets" will hold up in a court of law when the prosecution presents my google search history as evidence.
Hopefully "researching tweets" will hold up in a court of law when the prosecution presents my google search history as evidence.
@clarkekant
Just LMAO and spent 6 hours in surgery getting it reattached. It's not funny.
Just LMAO and spent 6 hours in surgery getting it reattached. It's not funny.
@clarkekant
Just found some atheist propaganda in this motel room. I opened the dresser drawer and it was empty.
Just found some atheist propaganda in this motel room. I opened the dresser drawer and it was empty.
@clarkekant
People who type "First!" in comment boxes will also be first in line to hell.
People who type "First!" in comment boxes will also be first in line to hell.
@clarkekant
I'm so depressed, Radiohead is cheering me up.
I'm so depressed, Radiohead is cheering me up.
@clarkekant
After my sixth cup of coffee, I feel like Mario after he gets one of those bouncing, flashing stars.
After my sixth cup of coffee, I feel like Mario after he gets one of those bouncing, flashing stars.
@clarkekant
I can remember just 10 years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the pictures I took of my lunch. Thanks, Facebook!
I can remember just 10 years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the pictures I took of my lunch. Thanks, Facebook!
@clarkekant
Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.
Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.
@clarkekant
I finally got my shit together. It's pretty gross. Wanna see?
I finally got my shit together. It's pretty gross. Wanna see?
@clarkekant
I will never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot. (8th grade history class)
I will never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot. (8th grade history class)
@clarkekant
Why do women wear bras anyway? If you need something to hold your boobs, men are here.
Why do women wear bras anyway? If you need something to hold your boobs, men are here.
@clarkekant
If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.
If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.
@clarkekant
The day Facebook adds an option that you can like that someone liked something, I quit the internet forever.
The day Facebook adds an option that you can like that someone liked something, I quit the internet forever.
@clarkekant
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - The worst surgeon in the world
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - The worst surgeon in the world
@clarkekant
Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?
@clarkekant
Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 12 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.
Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 12 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.
@clarkekant
The child in me says "Eat candy for breakfast!" but the adult in me says "You're an adult! You can do whatever the fuck you want! Do it!"
The child in me says "Eat candy for breakfast!" but the adult in me says "You're an adult! You can do whatever the fuck you want! Do it!"
@clarkekant
Best garage sale ever! It's not advertised, nobody's here and it's all free! It's like my neighbor accidentally left his garage door open.
Best garage sale ever! It's not advertised, nobody's here and it's all free! It's like my neighbor accidentally left his garage door open.
@clarkekant
I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.
@clarkekant
If every time I didn't have something nice to say, I didn't say it at all, people would think I was a mute.
If every time I didn't have something nice to say, I didn't say it at all, people would think I was a mute.
@clarkekant
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
@clarkekant
When I grow up, I want to spend 1/3 of my life sleeping, 1/3 staring at a computer in a tiny cubicle and 1/3 hating myself. (realistic kid)
When I grow up, I want to spend 1/3 of my life sleeping, 1/3 staring at a computer in a tiny cubicle and 1/3 hating myself. (realistic kid)
@clarkekant
"I've got 99 problems and they're all FABULOUS!" (Gay-Z)
"I've got 99 problems and they're all FABULOUS!" (Gay-Z)
@clarkekant
If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
@clarkekant
Maybe the seventh time around I'll feel different about finding something I want to eat if I glance in the fridge just once more.
Maybe the seventh time around I'll feel different about finding something I want to eat if I glance in the fridge just once more.
@clarkekant
Nothing is certain but death and iTunes updates.
Nothing is certain but death and iTunes updates.
@clarkekant
What if all conspiracy theories are started by the government in order to cover up what they're really doing?
What if all conspiracy theories are started by the government in order to cover up what they're really doing?
@clarkekant
It's a fucking frisbee. Stop trying to make a sport out of it.
It's a fucking frisbee. Stop trying to make a sport out of it.
@clarkekant
Sorry, but the greatest thing since sliced bread is sandwiches. Period.
Sorry, but the greatest thing since sliced bread is sandwiches. Period.
@clarkekant
I'd like to introduce you to someone. Black jelly bean, this is garbage can. Garbage can, this is black jelly bean.
I'd like to introduce you to someone. Black jelly bean, this is garbage can. Garbage can, this is black jelly bean.
@clarkekant
The first rule of Rule Club is that we talk about the rules. A lot.
The first rule of Rule Club is that we talk about the rules. A lot.
@clarkekant
My life is boring, I'm a shitty photographer and I don't know how to write. So anyway, what should I call my blog?
My life is boring, I'm a shitty photographer and I don't know how to write. So anyway, what should I call my blog?
@clarkekant
What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.
What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.
@clarkekant
Just saw the hottest DILF! (it was glazed)
Just saw the hottest DILF! (it was glazed)
@clarkekant
I only enter names and numbers into my contacts so I can see who I'm ignoring when they call.
I only enter names and numbers into my contacts so I can see who I'm ignoring when they call.
@clarkekant
I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
@clarkekant
Life just handed me lemonade. Not sure what to do.
Life just handed me lemonade. Not sure what to do.
@clarkekant
I can sum up my taste in music and my political and religious beliefs in just a few bumper stickers.
I can sum up my taste in music and my political and religious beliefs in just a few bumper stickers.
@clarkekant
Not to be vague, but stuff and things
Not to be vague, but stuff and things
@clarkekant
Why is it we trust politicians with creating jobs when they don't know a thing about working?
Why is it we trust politicians with creating jobs when they don't know a thing about working?
@clarkekant
My 2 year old loves Hello Kitty. My 6 month old, on the other hand, is really into Hello Titty.
My 2 year old loves Hello Kitty. My 6 month old, on the other hand, is really into Hello Titty.
@clarkekant
What's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Did you ever notice he seems to start off all of his jokes in one of two ways?
What's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Did you ever notice he seems to start off all of his jokes in one of two ways?
@clarkekant
Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants.
Valentine's Day is nothing but a commercialized holiday created by pharmaceutical companies to get lonely singles to buy antidepressants.
@clarkekant
If my liver was a person, it'd be Doris, the 50 year old waitress pouring coffee at the truckstop for 35 years & smoking since she was born.
If my liver was a person, it'd be Doris, the 50 year old waitress pouring coffee at the truckstop for 35 years & smoking since she was born.
@clarkekant
Anybody know of a good job for someone that hates people and working?
Anybody know of a good job for someone that hates people and working?
@clarkekant
I'm eating for six, according to the serving size on every single package of everything ever.
I'm eating for six, according to the serving size on every single package of everything ever.
@clarkekant
"What goes down must come up." -Sir Anorexic Newton
"What goes down must come up." -Sir Anorexic Newton
@clarkekant
I want a flatscreen so big that I can't tell where TV begins and real life ends.
I want a flatscreen so big that I can't tell where TV begins and real life ends.
@clarkekant
Quit embarrassing me in front of my friends, iPod shuffle.
Quit embarrassing me in front of my friends, iPod shuffle.
@clarkekant
The only ghosts I'm afraid of are my google searches coming back to haunt me.
The only ghosts I'm afraid of are my google searches coming back to haunt me.
@clarkekant
I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working.
I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working.
@clarkekant
Has the passing of the holidays left you feeling alone in the world, unloved and depressed? Don't worry, Valentine's Day is coming right up!
Has the passing of the holidays left you feeling alone in the world, unloved and depressed? Don't worry, Valentine's Day is coming right up!
@clarkekant
No matter how bored I get, I'll never be bored enough to go back and read through all the greeting cards I've saved over the years.
No matter how bored I get, I'll never be bored enough to go back and read through all the greeting cards I've saved over the years.
@clarkekant
Anyone have a good recipe for ice cubes?
Anyone have a good recipe for ice cubes?
@clarkekant
I'm a perfectionist when it comes to being imperfect.
I'm a perfectionist when it comes to being imperfect.
@clarkekant
Santa loves the rich kids more.
Santa loves the rich kids more.
@clarkekant
There is no good path to take when you come to a spork in the road.
There is no good path to take when you come to a spork in the road.
@clarkekant
Less than 3% of the world's mantis population are atheists.
Less than 3% of the world's mantis population are atheists.
@clarkekant
It's so cute. My kids always say "I want to help you, Daddy!" because they don't know the word "hinder".
It's so cute. My kids always say "I want to help you, Daddy!" because they don't know the word "hinder".
@clarkekant
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
@clarkekant
Hey boobs, keep up the good work!
Hey boobs, keep up the good work!