@david8hughes
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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@david8hughes
Another Christmas without my father who sadly is no longer with us. He’s with his new family.
Another Christmas without my father who sadly is no longer with us. He’s with his new family.
@david8hughes
No bees were harmed in the making of my new short film, "Bees on Fire: Screams from Inside a Hive".
No bees were harmed in the making of my new short film, "Bees on Fire: Screams from Inside a Hive".
@david8hughes
[baby throws up all over the couch] Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[baby throws up all over the couch] Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
@david8hughes
They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
@david8hughes
[sees kid hitting piñata] Me: wow he really hates horses
[sees kid hitting piñata] Me: wow he really hates horses
@david8hughes
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month] Me: not all men are like that
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month] Me: not all men are like that
@david8hughes
Doctors just assume I want all my blood at a particular pressure.
Doctors just assume I want all my blood at a particular pressure.
@david8hughes
I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite & it's straight to the ER for me.
I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite & it's straight to the ER for me.
@david8hughes
[hears a dog in the distance barking in the middle of the night] Yeah I'd love to be friends.
[hears a dog in the distance barking in the middle of the night] Yeah I'd love to be friends.
@david8hughes
BREAKING NEWS: vaccinations do not work [camera cuts to several deflated balloon animals] look at these poor fellas
BREAKING NEWS: vaccinations do not work [camera cuts to several deflated balloon animals] look at these poor fellas
@david8hughes
I remember being about 10 years old & seeing a homeless guy with a dog & I just looked at them both & mumbled, "Lucky."
I remember being about 10 years old & seeing a homeless guy with a dog & I just looked at them both & mumbled, "Lucky."
@david8hughes
[first day as London tour guide] And over there is the Tower of [frantically flips through guide book for like 20 minutes] Eiffel.
[first day as London tour guide] And over there is the Tower of [frantically flips through guide book for like 20 minutes] Eiffel.
@david8hughes
Whenever I see a bear on a motorbike I'm like, "Good for you. You've not let the fact you can't be tattooed stop you from getting a bike."
Whenever I see a bear on a motorbike I'm like, "Good for you. You've not let the fact you can't be tattooed stop you from getting a bike."
@david8hughes
[taking baby's shoes off] Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[taking baby's shoes off] Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere.
@david8hughes
[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile.
[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile.
@david8hughes
No hedgehogs were harmed in the making of this short movie 'Ripping the Legs Off a Hedgehog So He Looks Like a Pinecone'.
No hedgehogs were harmed in the making of this short movie 'Ripping the Legs Off a Hedgehog So He Looks Like a Pinecone'.
@david8hughes
[to widow] Great wake. Tho it should be called a sleep, he's not moved in ages. I say he hasn't moved in ages. Call it a sleep. Ah cheer up.
[to widow] Great wake. Tho it should be called a sleep, he's not moved in ages. I say he hasn't moved in ages. Call it a sleep. Ah cheer up.
@david8hughes
Toy idea: Remote control car that you can sit in & control from the inside.
Toy idea: Remote control car that you can sit in & control from the inside.
@david8hughes
BREAKING NEWS: vaccinations do not work [camera cuts to several deflated balloon animals] look at these poor fellas
BREAKING NEWS: vaccinations do not work [camera cuts to several deflated balloon animals] look at these poor fellas
@david8hughes
[shipwreck diary] Day 44: Some of the survivors have resorted to drinking their own piss. Nobody wants to drink mine cos it's 'too chunky'.
[shipwreck diary] Day 44: Some of the survivors have resorted to drinking their own piss. Nobody wants to drink mine cos it's 'too chunky'.
@david8hughes
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper] Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper] Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
@david8hughes
[job interview] "You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means." "Ironic isn't it? Is it? I don't know."
[job interview] "You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means." "Ironic isn't it? Is it? I don't know."
@david8hughes
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it's the right amount.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it's the right amount.
@david8hughes
My kids had a shirt made for me that says 'father of the year 2014 quarter finalist'.
My kids had a shirt made for me that says 'father of the year 2014 quarter finalist'.
@david8hughes
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
@david8hughes
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
@david8hughes
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham's sky] "Gordon needs me, the city needs me." [Robin waving flashlight around] "Oh wow look they need me too."
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham's sky] "Gordon needs me, the city needs me." [Robin waving flashlight around] "Oh wow look they need me too."
@david8hughes
[last supper] "Wine!" exclaims Jesus touching everyone's water glasses. "Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol."
[last supper] "Wine!" exclaims Jesus touching everyone's water glasses. "Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol."