gotmyhairdid
I'm starting a magazine called "Jugs". It's mostly about pottery.
I'm starting a magazine called "Jugs". It's mostly about pottery.
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gotmyhairdid
Stranger with a black eye is trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond cause it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.
Stranger with a black eye is trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond cause it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.
gotmyhairdid
I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.
I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.
gotmyhairdid
Cops: "Please step out of the car" Me: "I can't. I'm drunk. You get in."
Cops: "Please step out of the car" Me: "I can't. I'm drunk. You get in."
gotmyhairdid
They should make a medal for anyone who uses a whole tube of chapstick before losing it.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses a whole tube of chapstick before losing it.
gotmyhairdid
Just changed my dating profile headline to: "Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives" ...crossing my fingers
Just changed my dating profile headline to: "Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives" ...crossing my fingers
gotmyhairdid
Conserve energy. How would you feel if someone turned you on and left?
Conserve energy. How would you feel if someone turned you on and left?
gotmyhairdid
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
gotmyhairdid
No, I haven't lost weight but "spanx" for asking.
No, I haven't lost weight but "spanx" for asking.
gotmyhairdid
If republicans stand up and clap I get a shot, if democrats stand up and clap I have to buy someone a shot who can't afford it. #sotu
If republicans stand up and clap I get a shot, if democrats stand up and clap I have to buy someone a shot who can't afford it. #sotu
gotmyhairdid
Unlike MC Hammer's regulations, you can pretty much touch anything of mine you want.
Unlike MC Hammer's regulations, you can pretty much touch anything of mine you want.
gotmyhairdid
Dear Gingers, It could be worse. Sincerely, Albinos
Dear Gingers, It could be worse. Sincerely, Albinos
gotmyhairdid
Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall.
gotmyhairdid
If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking or cursing, it involves less of me.
If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking or cursing, it involves less of me.
gotmyhairdid
I love the snow. Some of my best friends are flakes.
I love the snow. Some of my best friends are flakes.
gotmyhairdid
Need to save money on car insurance? Flee the scene.
Need to save money on car insurance? Flee the scene.
gotmyhairdid
I think airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.
I think airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.
gotmyhairdid
Water into wine? I just turned my paycheck into vodka. Your move, Jesus.
Water into wine? I just turned my paycheck into vodka. Your move, Jesus.
gotmyhairdid
55 in a 25 and let's just say I wasn't referring to my driving.
55 in a 25 and let's just say I wasn't referring to my driving.
gotmyhairdid
I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
gotmyhairdid
At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted???
At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted???
gotmyhairdid
When in history was there ever an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?
When in history was there ever an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?
gotmyhairdid
Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.
Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.
gotmyhairdid
When life hands you melons, you know you're dyslexic.
When life hands you melons, you know you're dyslexic.
gotmyhairdid
It's not stalking if you don't put it in park.
It's not stalking if you don't put it in park.
gotmyhairdid
I hate it when I go to bed and forget to turn off my swag.
I hate it when I go to bed and forget to turn off my swag.
gotmyhairdid
Oh vajazzled is definitely going on my bucket list. I'll pity the fool that has to jazzle my vag.
Oh vajazzled is definitely going on my bucket list. I'll pity the fool that has to jazzle my vag.
gotmyhairdid
I wonder if they have WiFi in Hell...
I wonder if they have WiFi in Hell...
gotmyhairdid
Being a judge incorporates my two favorite things: wearing a robe and judging people. I missed my calling.
Being a judge incorporates my two favorite things: wearing a robe and judging people. I missed my calling.
gotmyhairdid
Corn on the cob today is corn on the log tomorrow.
Corn on the cob today is corn on the log tomorrow.