@ieatanddrink
Saw a bad accident from my hot air balloon so I tried landing to help but just ended up killing everyone even worse

@ieatanddrink
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he's slept with

@ieatanddrink
If anyone's hungry there's a cottage cheese sandwich in my sink I'm probably not going to eat

@ieatanddrink
My car has a GPS, but when I get lost I still usually just end up busting out a globe

@ieatanddrink
A lot of times you put up a tweet and at first it doesn't seem like it's going to do very well and then BOOM: you make 1 million dollars

@ieatanddrink
Almost all of the guys I drafted for my fantasy football team are football players which I think was a smart move