@imaliwaller
Before going to your partner's parents' house for the 1st time, it's very important to ask "How much Jesus stuff can I expect to see?"

@imaliwaller
The person you're eating with can't wait for you to go to the bathroom so they can check their phone.

@imaliwaller
Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.

@imaliwaller
When it's cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it's frustrating out I wear my UGH boots.

@imaliwaller
Alright Ralphs, here's the deal: you replace people with automated cashiers, I replace paying with stealing produce.