Jan 18 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell End Piracy? Great all this economy needs is more unemployed pirates. Part of a collection Submitted by @jmabell
Dec 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name. Submitted by @jmabell
Nov 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good. Submitted by @jmabell
Oct 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?
Sep 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell “I have a cure for your burning bush." ”” Moses hitting on the ladies
Aug 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell Person on this home improvement show said everybody needs "a good screwing surface." Can't argue with that logic.
Jul 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making
Feb 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell Your life may be an open book, but could you skip to the good parts.
Feb 1 2011 Retweet @jmabell Come on CNN it's not a snow storm. It's Mega-Winterpocalypse Snowmageddon Def Con 4 KillStorm 2011. Get your facts straight.
Jan 24 2011 Retweet @jmabell Survival tip: If a clown starts making a balloon chainsaw, run like hell.
Jan 21 2011 Retweet @jmabell Snooki doesn't like her nickname. OK. What's another name for a drunken slut? Damn. Paris Hilton is already taken.
Jan 19 2011 Retweet @jmabell Today I've decided to rename things in the office to start with "i" like Apple. There's iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday...
Jan 6 2011 Retweet @jmabell New warning label: Quitting cigarettes significantly increases the amount of money you will have for pot.
Dec 22 2010 Retweet @jmabell When I hear the Christmas song about nuts roasting on an open fire, my testicles move into a defensive formation.
Dec 21 2010 Retweet @jmabell Santa should promote clean energy this year. Instead of a lump of coal he should give a can of biofuel to the bad kids.
Oct 28 2010 Retweet @jmabell In Hidden Valley, childhood obesity is covered up in creamy ranch dressing.
Oct 20 2010 Retweet @jmabell Why is the term "genitals" plural? Do I have another penis I'm not aware of?
Oct 15 2010 Retweet @jmabell Thinking about going as a prostitute for Halloween, but confused about at what point turning a trick becomes a treat.
Sep 27 2010 Retweet @jmabell I need a Life or a Clue but someone seems to have a Monopoly on them. So, instead, I'll take the Risk of sinking your Battleship.
Sep 8 2010 Retweet @jmabell Girl at store thought CNN's Situation Room starred The Situation. No. Wolf Blitzer joins the cast of #jerseyshore next season.
Aug 16 2010 Retweet @jmabell If you build a person a fire, they'll be warm for a day. Set them on fire & they'll never worry about being warm again.
Aug 9 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell Mondays are made for booze & antidepressants...ah hell, I'll just skip to the booze.
Aug 3 2010 Retweet @jmabell This morning, 2 evangelists knocked on the door selling Jesus. If they would've thrown in a Slap Chop, I would've been sold.
Aug 2 2010 Retweet @jmabell Dear Monday: I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.
Jul 31 2010 Retweet @jmabell Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow? Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!
Jul 27 2010 Retweet @jmabell When life hands you melons, make sure you squeeze them fast before you get slapped.
Jul 23 2010 Retweet @jmabell Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment.
Jul 14 2010 Retweet @jmabell When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource the work to China?
Jul 6 2010 Retweet @jmabell When dared to pull someone's finger, make sure you're not in a restroom & that it's indeed a finger you've been asked to pull.
Jul 1 2010 Retweet @jmabell Trying to nurture my inner bully to stay motivated. So far, all I've succeeded in doing is stealing my own lunch money.
Jun 29 2010 Retweet @jmabell Remember when vampires didn't sparkle, and you killed them rather than french kissed them.
Jun 26 2010 Retweet @jmabell Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.
Jun 18 2010 Retweet @jmabell Bieberohhellnophobia: fear of accidentally listening to Justin Bieber song & not having the ability to rip own ears off #omgfacts
Jun 16 2010 Retweet @jmabell I now determine the days of the week based on Twitter. Is it Follow Friday yet?
Jun 10 2010 Retweet @jmabell Pope should record an album to remake Vatican's image. The problem is picking which robe to wear when making a video w/ Lady Gaga
Jun 8 2010 Retweet @jmabell You know you have no attention span when you require a mental break while typing 140 characters.
Jun 3 2010 Retweet @jmabell I'm waiting for Twitter to be adapted into a big budget sci-fi action movie: "In space no one can hear you tweet."
May 30 2010 Retweet @jmabell The man at the grocery store name is Bobby Chubsucker. He was either very popular or made fun of a lot in school.
May 27 2010 Retweet @jmabell Turned on TV and heard people talking about grinding, pumping & hole filling. Sadly, it was just CNN.
May 26 2010 Retweet @jmabell When in trouble I think What Would Justin Bieber Do? scream like a little girl, grab nonexistent testicles & run away awkwardly.
May 17 2010 Retweet @jmabell Thought for today: Each day is a gift from God ... but not Monday, it was regifted by Satan.
May 14 2010 Retweet @jmabell Dear Apple: When I want to say "fuck" & "shit" I don't want to say "duck" & "shot". So duck the iPhone! Oh, shot!
May 10 2010 Retweet @jmabell I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines
Apr 29 2010 Retweet @jmabell Some say sex is better than chocolate. Others say chocolate is better than sex. I say why not make love to chocolate.
Apr 27 2010 Retweet @jmabell Looked at changing my name to Bieber so I could get RT'd. Realized I can't b/c I have a penis.
Apr 26 2010 Retweet @jmabell Why monkeys make terrible drivers: bad depth perception, suffer from road rage & fling poop at other drivers.
Apr 21 2010 Retweet @jmabell Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. #badpickupline
Apr 19 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet @jmabell Twitter is working worse than a dollar store pregnancy test.
Apr 14 2010 Retweet @jmabell Friend said I should try new KFC sandwich. I suggested we cut out the middleman & hook me up to an IV of chicken fat.
Apr 14 2010 Retweet @jmabell It appears the brain trust has commenced its meeting. Listen to those synapses fire.
Apr 11 2010 Retweet @jmabell Hillbillies are getting restless. Neighbor kid is dancing around a burn barrel listening to Whitesnake & wearing a Batman mask