jmabell
End Piracy? Great all this economy needs is more unemployed pirates.
End Piracy? Great all this economy needs is more unemployed pirates.
Tweets by @jmabell added on Fun Tweets.
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jmabell
Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.
Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.
jmabell
Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good.
Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good.
jmabell
How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?
How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?
jmabell
“I have a cure for your burning bush." — Moses hitting on the ladies
“I have a cure for your burning bush." — Moses hitting on the ladies
jmabell
Person on this home improvement show said everybody needs "a good screwing surface." Can't argue with that logic.
Person on this home improvement show said everybody needs "a good screwing surface." Can't argue with that logic.
jmabell
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making
jmabell
The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.
The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.
jmabell
Let's hope God grades on a curve or I'm so screwed.
Let's hope God grades on a curve or I'm so screwed.
jmabell
Sometimes I wish real world conversation had a 140 character limit.
Sometimes I wish real world conversation had a 140 character limit.
jmabell
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.
jmabell
The Seventh Sense: "I can smell dead people."
The Seventh Sense: "I can smell dead people."
jmabell
With Twitter, who needs imaginary friends?
With Twitter, who needs imaginary friends?
jmabell
Your life may be an open book, but could you skip to the good parts.
Your life may be an open book, but could you skip to the good parts.
jmabell
If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
jmabell
Come on CNN it's not a snow storm. It's Mega-Winterpocalypse Snowmageddon Def Con 4 KillStorm 2011. Get your facts straight.
Come on CNN it's not a snow storm. It's Mega-Winterpocalypse Snowmageddon Def Con 4 KillStorm 2011. Get your facts straight.
jmabell
I dislike the term haterade. I say hater-juicebox instead.
I dislike the term haterade. I say hater-juicebox instead.
jmabell
Survival tip: If a clown starts making a balloon chainsaw, run like hell.
Survival tip: If a clown starts making a balloon chainsaw, run like hell.
jmabell
Snooki doesn't like her nickname. OK. What's another name for a drunken slut? Damn. Paris Hilton is already taken.
Snooki doesn't like her nickname. OK. What's another name for a drunken slut? Damn. Paris Hilton is already taken.
jmabell
Today I've decided to rename things in the office to start with "i" like Apple. There's iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday...
Today I've decided to rename things in the office to start with "i" like Apple. There's iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday...
jmabell
New warning label: Quitting cigarettes significantly increases the amount of money you will have for pot.
New warning label: Quitting cigarettes significantly increases the amount of money you will have for pot.
jmabell
Allergy alert: This tweet may contain peanuts.
Allergy alert: This tweet may contain peanuts.
jmabell
Do they have a pregnancy test for immaculate conceptions?
Do they have a pregnancy test for immaculate conceptions?
jmabell
When I hear the Christmas song about nuts roasting on an open fire, my testicles move into a defensive formation.
When I hear the Christmas song about nuts roasting on an open fire, my testicles move into a defensive formation.
jmabell
Santa should promote clean energy this year. Instead of a lump of coal he should give a can of biofuel to the bad kids.
Santa should promote clean energy this year. Instead of a lump of coal he should give a can of biofuel to the bad kids.
jmabell
Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.
Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.
jmabell
In Hidden Valley, childhood obesity is covered up in creamy ranch dressing.
In Hidden Valley, childhood obesity is covered up in creamy ranch dressing.
jmabell
Why is the term "genitals" plural? Do I have another penis I'm not aware of?
Why is the term "genitals" plural? Do I have another penis I'm not aware of?
jmabell
Thinking about going as a prostitute for Halloween, but confused about at what point turning a trick becomes a treat.
Thinking about going as a prostitute for Halloween, but confused about at what point turning a trick becomes a treat.
jmabell
I love people. However, most of them are fictional characters.
I love people. However, most of them are fictional characters.
jmabell
Why does "new and improved" always end up "expensive and shitty"?
Why does "new and improved" always end up "expensive and shitty"?
jmabell
I need a Life or a Clue but someone seems to have a Monopoly on them. So, instead, I'll take the Risk of sinking your Battleship.
I need a Life or a Clue but someone seems to have a Monopoly on them. So, instead, I'll take the Risk of sinking your Battleship.
jmabell
What doesn't kill you just makes you injured and really pissed off.
What doesn't kill you just makes you injured and really pissed off.
jmabell
Winnie the Pooh band-aids may look cute but are useless on stab wounds.
Winnie the Pooh band-aids may look cute but are useless on stab wounds.
jmabell
The best things in life require no pants.
The best things in life require no pants.
jmabell
Girl at store thought CNN's Situation Room starred The Situation. No. Wolf Blitzer joins the cast of #jerseyshore next season.
Girl at store thought CNN's Situation Room starred The Situation. No. Wolf Blitzer joins the cast of #jerseyshore next season.
jmabell
Sadly, my day requires pants.
Sadly, my day requires pants.
jmabell
Life would be so much easier if it had an unfollow button.
Life would be so much easier if it had an unfollow button.
jmabell
Dry humping is not an acceptable substitute for a hug.
Dry humping is not an acceptable substitute for a hug.
jmabell
If you build a person a fire, they'll be warm for a day. Set them on fire & they'll never worry about being warm again.
If you build a person a fire, they'll be warm for a day. Set them on fire & they'll never worry about being warm again.
jmabell
Rehab is for quitters, and Lindsay Lohan is no quitter.
Rehab is for quitters, and Lindsay Lohan is no quitter.
jmabell
Mondays are made for booze & antidepressants...ah hell, I'll just skip to the booze.
Mondays are made for booze & antidepressants...ah hell, I'll just skip to the booze.
jmabell
Justin Bieber? Why would someone call their daughter Justin?
Justin Bieber? Why would someone call their daughter Justin?
jmabell
This morning, 2 evangelists knocked on the door selling Jesus. If they would've thrown in a Slap Chop, I would've been sold.
This morning, 2 evangelists knocked on the door selling Jesus. If they would've thrown in a Slap Chop, I would've been sold.
jmabell
Dear Monday: I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.
Dear Monday: I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.
jmabell
Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow? Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!
Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow? Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!
jmabell
When life hands you melons, make sure you squeeze them fast before you get slapped.
When life hands you melons, make sure you squeeze them fast before you get slapped.
jmabell
Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment.
Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment.
jmabell
Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.
Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.
jmabell
When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource the work to China?
When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource the work to China?
jmabell
When dared to pull someone's finger, make sure you're not in a restroom & that it's indeed a finger you've been asked to pull.
When dared to pull someone's finger, make sure you're not in a restroom & that it's indeed a finger you've been asked to pull.
jmabell
Trying to nurture my inner bully to stay motivated. So far, all I've succeeded in doing is stealing my own lunch money.
Trying to nurture my inner bully to stay motivated. So far, all I've succeeded in doing is stealing my own lunch money.
jmabell
Remember when vampires didn't sparkle, and you killed them rather than french kissed them.
Remember when vampires didn't sparkle, and you killed them rather than french kissed them.
jmabell
Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.
Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.
jmabell
Hump day without humping is significantly less fun.
Hump day without humping is significantly less fun.
jmabell
Bieberohhellnophobia: fear of accidentally listening to Justin Bieber song & not having the ability to rip own ears off #omgfacts
Bieberohhellnophobia: fear of accidentally listening to Justin Bieber song & not having the ability to rip own ears off #omgfacts
jmabell
I now determine the days of the week based on Twitter. Is it Follow Friday yet?
I now determine the days of the week based on Twitter. Is it Follow Friday yet?
jmabell
Hell, even an 80-year-old prostitute works more often than twitter.
Hell, even an 80-year-old prostitute works more often than twitter.
jmabell
Pope should record an album to remake Vatican's image. The problem is picking which robe to wear when making a video w/ Lady Gaga
Pope should record an album to remake Vatican's image. The problem is picking which robe to wear when making a video w/ Lady Gaga
jmabell
You know you have no attention span when you require a mental break while typing 140 characters.
You know you have no attention span when you require a mental break while typing 140 characters.
jmabell
I'm waiting for Twitter to be adapted into a big budget sci-fi action movie: "In space no one can hear you tweet."
I'm waiting for Twitter to be adapted into a big budget sci-fi action movie: "In space no one can hear you tweet."
jmabell
The man at the grocery store name is Bobby Chubsucker. He was either very popular or made fun of a lot in school.
The man at the grocery store name is Bobby Chubsucker. He was either very popular or made fun of a lot in school.
jmabell
Turned on TV and heard people talking about grinding, pumping & hole filling. Sadly, it was just CNN.
Turned on TV and heard people talking about grinding, pumping & hole filling. Sadly, it was just CNN.
jmabell
When in trouble I think What Would Justin Bieber Do? scream like a little girl, grab nonexistent testicles & run away awkwardly.
When in trouble I think What Would Justin Bieber Do? scream like a little girl, grab nonexistent testicles & run away awkwardly.
jmabell
The music of life needs more cowbell.
The music of life needs more cowbell.
jmabell
Thought for today: Each day is a gift from God ... but not Monday, it was regifted by Satan.
Thought for today: Each day is a gift from God ... but not Monday, it was regifted by Satan.
jmabell
What do you mean mom, how could my birth certificate be expired?
What do you mean mom, how could my birth certificate be expired?
jmabell
Dear Apple: When I want to say "fuck" & "shit" I don't want to say "duck" & "shot". So duck the iPhone! Oh, shot!
Dear Apple: When I want to say "fuck" & "shit" I don't want to say "duck" & "shot". So duck the iPhone! Oh, shot!
jmabell
I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines
I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines
jmabell
Some say sex is better than chocolate. Others say chocolate is better than sex. I say why not make love to chocolate.
Some say sex is better than chocolate. Others say chocolate is better than sex. I say why not make love to chocolate.
jmabell
Looked at changing my name to Bieber so I could get RT'd. Realized I can't b/c I have a penis.
Looked at changing my name to Bieber so I could get RT'd. Realized I can't b/c I have a penis.
jmabell
Why monkeys make terrible drivers: bad depth perception, suffer from road rage & fling poop at other drivers.
Why monkeys make terrible drivers: bad depth perception, suffer from road rage & fling poop at other drivers.
jmabell
When asked about hobbies, don't start lap dancing. #jobinterviewfail
When asked about hobbies, don't start lap dancing. #jobinterviewfail
jmabell
Did I tell you my aunt died in this bed? #whatnottosayduringsex
Did I tell you my aunt died in this bed? #whatnottosayduringsex
jmabell
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. #badpickupline
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. #badpickupline
jmabell
Twitter is working worse than a dollar store pregnancy test.
Twitter is working worse than a dollar store pregnancy test.
jmabell
Friend said I should try new KFC sandwich. I suggested we cut out the middleman & hook me up to an IV of chicken fat.
Friend said I should try new KFC sandwich. I suggested we cut out the middleman & hook me up to an IV of chicken fat.
jmabell
It appears the brain trust has commenced its meeting. Listen to those synapses fire.
It appears the brain trust has commenced its meeting. Listen to those synapses fire.
jmabell
Hillbillies are getting restless. Neighbor kid is dancing around a burn barrel listening to Whitesnake & wearing a Batman mask
Hillbillies are getting restless. Neighbor kid is dancing around a burn barrel listening to Whitesnake & wearing a Batman mask