Tweets by @jmabell added on Fun Tweets.


Feb 1 2011 Retweet
@jmabell
Come on CNN it's not a snow storm. It's Mega-Winterpocalypse Snowmageddon Def Con 4 KillStorm 2011. Get your facts straight.
Jan 21 2011 Retweet
@jmabell
Snooki doesn't like her nickname. OK. What's another name for a drunken slut? Damn. Paris Hilton is already taken.
Jan 19 2011 Retweet
@jmabell
Today I've decided to rename things in the office to start with "i" like Apple. There's iStapler, iPostitnotes, iWishitwasfriday...
Jan 6 2011 Retweet
@jmabell
New warning label: Quitting cigarettes significantly increases the amount of money you will have for pot.
Dec 22 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
When I hear the Christmas song about nuts roasting on an open fire, my testicles move into a defensive formation.
Dec 21 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Santa should promote clean energy this year. Instead of a lump of coal he should give a can of biofuel to the bad kids.
Oct 15 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Thinking about going as a prostitute for Halloween, but confused about at what point turning a trick becomes a treat.
Sep 27 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
I need a Life or a Clue but someone seems to have a Monopoly on them. So, instead, I'll take the Risk of sinking your Battleship.
Sep 8 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Girl at store thought CNN's Situation Room starred The Situation. No. Wolf Blitzer joins the cast of #jerseyshore next season.
Aug 16 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
If you build a person a fire, they'll be warm for a day. Set them on fire & they'll never worry about being warm again.
Aug 3 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
This morning, 2 evangelists knocked on the door selling Jesus. If they would've thrown in a Slap Chop, I would've been sold.
Jul 31 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow? Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!
Jul 23 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Judge should've sentenced Lindsay Lohan to watch her own movies... oh wait, that's cruel & unusual punishment.
Jul 6 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
When dared to pull someone's finger, make sure you're not in a restroom & that it's indeed a finger you've been asked to pull.
Jul 1 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Trying to nurture my inner bully to stay motivated. So far, all I've succeeded in doing is stealing my own lunch money.
Jun 18 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Bieberohhellnophobia: fear of accidentally listening to Justin Bieber song & not having the ability to rip own ears off #omgfacts
Jun 10 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Pope should record an album to remake Vatican's image. The problem is picking which robe to wear when making a video w/ Lady Gaga
Jun 3 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
I'm waiting for Twitter to be adapted into a big budget sci-fi action movie: "In space no one can hear you tweet."
May 30 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
The man at the grocery store name is Bobby Chubsucker. He was either very popular or made fun of a lot in school.
May 26 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
When in trouble I think What Would Justin Bieber Do? scream like a little girl, grab nonexistent testicles & run away awkwardly.
May 14 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Dear Apple: When I want to say "fuck" & "shit" I don't want to say "duck" & "shot". So duck the iPhone! Oh, shot!
Apr 29 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Some say sex is better than chocolate. Others say chocolate is better than sex. I say why not make love to chocolate.
Apr 26 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Why monkeys make terrible drivers: bad depth perception, suffer from road rage & fling poop at other drivers.
Apr 14 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Friend said I should try new KFC sandwich. I suggested we cut out the middleman & hook me up to an IV of chicken fat.
Apr 11 2010 Retweet
@jmabell
Hillbillies are getting restless. Neighbor kid is dancing around a burn barrel listening to Whitesnake & wearing a Batman mask