@juliussharpe
Somehow women make a new friend every week while guys just know the same six people their entire lives.
Somehow women make a new friend every week while guys just know the same six people their entire lives.
Tweets by @juliussharpe added on Fun Tweets.
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@juliussharpe
Just got a temporary tattoo. Now I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery for the next three days.
Just got a temporary tattoo. Now I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery for the next three days.
@juliussharpe
Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@juliussharpe
Is there as much intelligence disparity in other animals as humans? Does any cow make other cows go, "That's the dumbest cow I've ever met"?
Is there as much intelligence disparity in other animals as humans? Does any cow make other cows go, "That's the dumbest cow I've ever met"?
@juliussharpe
I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler's diarrhea.
I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler's diarrhea.
@juliussharpe
If you don't already know your Miranda rights from watching TV and movies, you're kind of an idiot.
If you don't already know your Miranda rights from watching TV and movies, you're kind of an idiot.
@juliussharpe
Just want to thank my mailman for delivering my recycling directly to my house.
Just want to thank my mailman for delivering my recycling directly to my house.
@juliussharpe
Amazing how in the last 30 years, the United States has completely transitioned from an industrial powerhouse to a brunch-based economy.
Amazing how in the last 30 years, the United States has completely transitioned from an industrial powerhouse to a brunch-based economy.
@juliussharpe
Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.
Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.
@juliussharpe
Most long freeway drives are spent thinking, "Who the hell would live here?"
Most long freeway drives are spent thinking, "Who the hell would live here?"
@juliussharpe
"I want to drink but not have a good time. One Bud Light, please."
"I want to drink but not have a good time. One Bud Light, please."
@juliussharpe
I don't understand how many blueberries you're supposed to eat in one sitting. 10? 2,000? There's no natural stopping point.
I don't understand how many blueberries you're supposed to eat in one sitting. 10? 2,000? There's no natural stopping point.
@juliussharpe
My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years.
My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years.
@juliussharpe
I screwed up self-checkout at the supermarket and had to ask myself if I could see a manager.
I screwed up self-checkout at the supermarket and had to ask myself if I could see a manager.
@juliussharpe
No, please don't feel like you need to use your turn signal. I understand how difficult it can be to slightly move one finger.
No, please don't feel like you need to use your turn signal. I understand how difficult it can be to slightly move one finger.
@juliussharpe
10,000 years from now people will probably be incredibly confused why they keep digging up dog shits perfectly preserved in plastic bags.
10,000 years from now people will probably be incredibly confused why they keep digging up dog shits perfectly preserved in plastic bags.
@juliussharpe
Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time.
Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time.
@juliussharpe
At this point journalism school probably boils down to, "Just say what everyone tweeted."
At this point journalism school probably boils down to, "Just say what everyone tweeted."
@juliussharpe
It was the Middle Ages. There's no way Rapunzel didn't have lice.
It was the Middle Ages. There's no way Rapunzel didn't have lice.
@juliussharpe
"Want to parachute?" "No thanks, I'd rather not maybe die while strapped to a guy I met twenty minutes ago."
"Want to parachute?" "No thanks, I'd rather not maybe die while strapped to a guy I met twenty minutes ago."
@juliussharpe
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
@juliussharpe
Probably the third-best reason to have kids is if you think it's funny when other people trip.
Probably the third-best reason to have kids is if you think it's funny when other people trip.
@juliussharpe
What were the people on the laugh track laughing at, and couldn't we watch that instead?
What were the people on the laugh track laughing at, and couldn't we watch that instead?
@juliussharpe
Maybe 6% of pens work. Terrible job, pen manufacturers.
Maybe 6% of pens work. Terrible job, pen manufacturers.
@juliussharpe
The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is so weird. It's like, "We know you read us for sports but how about this week you just beat off?"
The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is so weird. It's like, "We know you read us for sports but how about this week you just beat off?"
@juliussharpe
When you see someone driving with their shirt off it makes you feel so stupid for driving with your shirt on.
When you see someone driving with their shirt off it makes you feel so stupid for driving with your shirt on.
@juliussharpe
A rule for myself that's worked my entire life: when you hear the garage door open, put your penis away.
A rule for myself that's worked my entire life: when you hear the garage door open, put your penis away.
@juliussharpe
In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.
In case you're thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her watch me poop.
@juliussharpe
I just heard Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are having a baby, and I'm already tired of hearing about it.
I just heard Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are having a baby, and I'm already tired of hearing about it.
@juliussharpe
When other parents at the playground ask me things about my baby I say, "I don't know. I just kidnapped her."
When other parents at the playground ask me things about my baby I say, "I don't know. I just kidnapped her."
@juliussharpe
People drinking wine in nice restaurants at 2:30 pm - Who are you and how do you get the time and money? Teach me.
People drinking wine in nice restaurants at 2:30 pm - Who are you and how do you get the time and money? Teach me.
@juliussharpe
I hate songs about how hard it is to be on the road. Stop being a musician if you don't like it. Apply to law school.
I hate songs about how hard it is to be on the road. Stop being a musician if you don't like it. Apply to law school.
@juliussharpe
I can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working.
@juliussharpe
Nothing makes you look like an alcoholic more than not knowing how you got a cut on your face.
Nothing makes you look like an alcoholic more than not knowing how you got a cut on your face.
@juliussharpe
Time to put on a nice sweater, pound some white wine, and wage war on my family.
Time to put on a nice sweater, pound some white wine, and wage war on my family.
@juliussharpe
You can stop advertising pizza and beer during football. People who watch football know about them.
You can stop advertising pizza and beer during football. People who watch football know about them.
@juliussharpe
Most of the 1990s was spent staring at a cool light display on an Aiwa stereo.
Most of the 1990s was spent staring at a cool light display on an Aiwa stereo.
@juliussharpe
Sheet manufacturers totally have us by the balls. What are we, not gonna buy sheets?
Sheet manufacturers totally have us by the balls. What are we, not gonna buy sheets?
@juliussharpe
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
@juliussharpe
I don't want to get too political about the election, but I'm voting for the guy who's tried coffee before.
I don't want to get too political about the election, but I'm voting for the guy who's tried coffee before.
@juliussharpe
No one looks more suspicious than everyone else at a gas station.
No one looks more suspicious than everyone else at a gas station.
@juliussharpe
The secret to my amazing vegan burgers is real beef.
The secret to my amazing vegan burgers is real beef.
@juliussharpe
I didn't realize the dark backstory of some of these Disney characters. Like, Goofy is brain damaged from untreated syphilis.
I didn't realize the dark backstory of some of these Disney characters. Like, Goofy is brain damaged from untreated syphilis.
@juliussharpe
Few things are as consistently weird as the guy/girl handshake.
Few things are as consistently weird as the guy/girl handshake.
@juliussharpe
I wish there was an app where I could point my phone at someone and find out exactly how much money they make.
I wish there was an app where I could point my phone at someone and find out exactly how much money they make.
@juliussharpe
Just saw Jennifer Aniston on the cover of "Magazine Cover" magazine.
Just saw Jennifer Aniston on the cover of "Magazine Cover" magazine.
@juliussharpe
Most of Mitt Romney's foreign policy knowledge comes from the summer after college when he briefcased through Europe.
Most of Mitt Romney's foreign policy knowledge comes from the summer after college when he briefcased through Europe.
@juliussharpe
Every "Seinfeld" plot would have been solved by a cellphone.
Every "Seinfeld" plot would have been solved by a cellphone.
@juliussharpe
Paul Ryan seems like the guy at a bachelor party who goes way too far with the stripper.
Paul Ryan seems like the guy at a bachelor party who goes way too far with the stripper.
@juliussharpe
Don't make eye contact with me at McDonalds. We're both here for our own sad reasons.
Don't make eye contact with me at McDonalds. We're both here for our own sad reasons.
@juliussharpe
Instead of going to college, just read a pile of books and barely do your laundry. Same thing.
Instead of going to college, just read a pile of books and barely do your laundry. Same thing.
@juliussharpe
I'll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.
I'll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.
@juliussharpe
I love Nilla Wafers because who has time to say "Vanilla" in today's busy world?
I love Nilla Wafers because who has time to say "Vanilla" in today's busy world?
@juliussharpe
After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things.
After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things.
@juliussharpe
FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying their name backwards, they have to become your butler.
FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying their name backwards, they have to become your butler.
@juliussharpe
Do mailmen like opening their own mail or does it feel like work?
Do mailmen like opening their own mail or does it feel like work?
@juliussharpe
I love "Choose your own adventures" because my two favorite things are reading and blaming myself.
I love "Choose your own adventures" because my two favorite things are reading and blaming myself.
@juliussharpe
There's nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you.
There's nothing scarier than a squirrel who's not afraid of you.
@juliussharpe
No one wants to hear about anyone else's niece.
No one wants to hear about anyone else's niece.
@juliussharpe
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
@juliussharpe
Little could our great-grandparents have imagined how many dicks and tits we'd all see in our lifetimes.
Little could our great-grandparents have imagined how many dicks and tits we'd all see in our lifetimes.
@juliussharpe
When things are bad, remember: At least you're not as big an asshole as the guy who invented putting walnuts in chocolate chip cookies.
When things are bad, remember: At least you're not as big an asshole as the guy who invented putting walnuts in chocolate chip cookies.
@juliussharpe
If you ever need anything, just ask. But also, please never need anything.
If you ever need anything, just ask. But also, please never need anything.
@juliussharpe
Having a favorite politician is like a homeless guy having a favorite can.
Having a favorite politician is like a homeless guy having a favorite can.
@juliussharpe
I never made the Dean's List but I find it disturbing the Dean keeps a list of teenagers he likes.
I never made the Dean's List but I find it disturbing the Dean keeps a list of teenagers he likes.
@juliussharpe
Apparently last night when he got home, Clint Eastwood got in a huge fight with the rest of his furniture.
Apparently last night when he got home, Clint Eastwood got in a huge fight with the rest of his furniture.
@juliussharpe
For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.
For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.
@juliussharpe
Every cab driver I've ever had seems like he killed thousands of people in his homeland.
Every cab driver I've ever had seems like he killed thousands of people in his homeland.
@juliussharpe
How does everyone have so much to say? All I want to do is eat and stare at stuff.
How does everyone have so much to say? All I want to do is eat and stare at stuff.
@juliussharpe
When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."
When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."
@juliussharpe
Mitt Romney is the first candidate I can remember who's less interesting than the podium.
Mitt Romney is the first candidate I can remember who's less interesting than the podium.
@juliussharpe
Not sure women's BMX is what the Greeks had in mind when they started the Olympics.
Not sure women's BMX is what the Greeks had in mind when they started the Olympics.
@juliussharpe
90% of parenting is waiting for the other parent to do something about it.
90% of parenting is waiting for the other parent to do something about it.
@juliussharpe
90% of the economy is just women giving each other useless gifts.
90% of the economy is just women giving each other useless gifts.
@juliussharpe
Why does the average person all the sudden become a tomato juice drinking weirdo on an airplane?
Why does the average person all the sudden become a tomato juice drinking weirdo on an airplane?
@juliussharpe
Maybe design women's clothes so the person wearing it can also zip it.
Maybe design women's clothes so the person wearing it can also zip it.
@juliussharpe
Watching "Annie" all I could think was, "That redhead kid is going to make a hideous adult."
Watching "Annie" all I could think was, "That redhead kid is going to make a hideous adult."
@juliussharpe
I'm always skeptical of twins because it's rare I like even one of a person.
I'm always skeptical of twins because it's rare I like even one of a person.
@juliussharpe
You can tell a movie is going to be funny if one is the characters is shrugging in the poster. Because shrugging people will do anything!
You can tell a movie is going to be funny if one is the characters is shrugging in the poster. Because shrugging people will do anything!
@juliussharpe
No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.
No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.
@juliussharpe
Can't help but think if I hadn't eaten that baby corn in 2001 it would now be teenage corn.
Can't help but think if I hadn't eaten that baby corn in 2001 it would now be teenage corn.
@juliussharpe
All the dads with weekend custody are crowding up the donut shop.
All the dads with weekend custody are crowding up the donut shop.
@juliussharpe
I like to go up to people I haven't seen in ten years and say, "Was THIS your card?!"
I like to go up to people I haven't seen in ten years and say, "Was THIS your card?!"
@juliussharpe
I've never even come close to having someone at "Hello".
I've never even come close to having someone at "Hello".
@juliussharpe
Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.
@juliussharpe
"Sacre gray!" - Colorblind French guy
"Sacre gray!" - Colorblind French guy
@juliussharpe
Way into "Game of Thrones". Are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs?
Way into "Game of Thrones". Are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs?
@juliussharpe
No matter how many times I see it, I never tire of an Italian woman yelling at a guy named Anthony in public.
No matter how many times I see it, I never tire of an Italian woman yelling at a guy named Anthony in public.
@juliussharpe
Don't brag about anything you achieved before 1980. There were billions less people. It was way easier.
Don't brag about anything you achieved before 1980. There were billions less people. It was way easier.
@juliussharpe
Mitt Romney's hotmail account got hacked. If I was Obama, I'd bring that up in every debate. "He has hotmail".
Mitt Romney's hotmail account got hacked. If I was Obama, I'd bring that up in every debate. "He has hotmail".
@juliussharpe
Instead of yet another love song, someone should write a song about wanting to be left alone for fifteen minutes.
Instead of yet another love song, someone should write a song about wanting to be left alone for fifteen minutes.
@juliussharpe
Why the hell are Zach Braff, Zach Galifianakis & Zac Efron not running around Hollywood as the "Zach Pack"??? This needs to happen.
Why the hell are Zach Braff, Zach Galifianakis & Zac Efron not running around Hollywood as the "Zach Pack"??? This needs to happen.
@juliussharpe
I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.
I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.
@juliussharpe
I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare at him angrily while I order something completely different.
I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare at him angrily while I order something completely different.
@juliussharpe
It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.
It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.
@juliussharpe
"Crap, I gotta get up and undressed for work." - strippers
"Crap, I gotta get up and undressed for work." - strippers
@juliussharpe
My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit.
My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit.
@juliussharpe
Potential new slogan? "Vote Republican - the party of regulating butthole and vagina stuff".
Potential new slogan? "Vote Republican - the party of regulating butthole and vagina stuff".
@juliussharpe
My least favorite thing about babies is how they don't understand it's the weekend.
My least favorite thing about babies is how they don't understand it's the weekend.
@juliussharpe
The guy in front of me at the coffee shop just learned Whitney Houston died. He's gonna completely freak out when I tell him about 9/11.
The guy in front of me at the coffee shop just learned Whitney Houston died. He's gonna completely freak out when I tell him about 9/11.
@juliussharpe
In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.
In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.
@juliussharpe
R1D1 must have sucked.
R1D1 must have sucked.
@juliussharpe
Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car - stop steering so much.
Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car - stop steering so much.
@juliussharpe
"Every time I go out, the paparazzi wants to make an oil painting of me. So annoying." - 1700s celebrity
"Every time I go out, the paparazzi wants to make an oil painting of me. So annoying." - 1700s celebrity
@juliussharpe
Today, I'm going to give it my some.
Today, I'm going to give it my some.
@juliussharpe
My negotiating strategy is to make a skeptical face for one second then pay what the other person asked.
My negotiating strategy is to make a skeptical face for one second then pay what the other person asked.
@juliussharpe
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
@juliussharpe
All it takes is 10 minutes without electricity to prove my total uselessness as a person.
All it takes is 10 minutes without electricity to prove my total uselessness as a person.
@juliussharpe
Thanksgiving/Black Friday = "I'm so grateful for what I have/I need way more stuff, right now!" At least put a day in between.
Thanksgiving/Black Friday = "I'm so grateful for what I have/I need way more stuff, right now!" At least put a day in between.
@juliussharpe
When someone says something is great, I take that as a personal challenge to not enjoy it.
When someone says something is great, I take that as a personal challenge to not enjoy it.
@juliussharpe
From school to work, I've spent the majority of my life staring out a window, waiting to leave.
From school to work, I've spent the majority of my life staring out a window, waiting to leave.
@juliussharpe
People who were huge fans of the Backstreet Boys are now in positions of responsibility, making important decisions.
People who were huge fans of the Backstreet Boys are now in positions of responsibility, making important decisions.
@juliussharpe
It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is.
It's not a nervous breakdown. I'm having a calm, rational breakdown based on an understanding of how fucked everything is.
@juliussharpe
I wish I had the self-confidence and assertiveness of the Adobe Acrobat updater.
I wish I had the self-confidence and assertiveness of the Adobe Acrobat updater.
@juliussharpe
Twitter would be a lot more interesting if when you hit someone with your car, you got their followers.
Twitter would be a lot more interesting if when you hit someone with your car, you got their followers.
@juliussharpe
Thanks but I don't need help in your store or any other store. I've been in a ton of stores. I know how they work.
Thanks but I don't need help in your store or any other store. I've been in a ton of stores. I know how they work.
@juliussharpe
"I am John Lennon" - the Walrus
"I am John Lennon" - the Walrus
@juliussharpe
I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
@juliussharpe
I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.
I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.
@juliussharpe
Whenever I'm watching the NBA and a ref makes a bad call, I go down to Foot Locker and yell at the employees.
Whenever I'm watching the NBA and a ref makes a bad call, I go down to Foot Locker and yell at the employees.
@juliussharpe
I just ate a salad that was so bad, Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.
I just ate a salad that was so bad, Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.
@juliussharpe
In a car it's illegal to not wear a seatbelt. But I guess if you're on a bus they figure death will be a sweet relief.
In a car it's illegal to not wear a seatbelt. But I guess if you're on a bus they figure death will be a sweet relief.
@juliussharpe
My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining the cops pull you over for no reason.
My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining the cops pull you over for no reason.
@juliussharpe
Twitter should give you rollover characters from your short tweets.
Twitter should give you rollover characters from your short tweets.
@juliussharpe
Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.
Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.
@juliussharpe
When you start trying to pick out names for a baby, you realize how many jerks you know with different names.
When you start trying to pick out names for a baby, you realize how many jerks you know with different names.
@juliussharpe
A fun thing to do is go to the Facebook page of someone you've never met and "like" hundreds of photos of their baby.
A fun thing to do is go to the Facebook page of someone you've never met and "like" hundreds of photos of their baby.
@juliussharpe
I gotta imagine one of the worst things you can do is shit your snowsuit.
I gotta imagine one of the worst things you can do is shit your snowsuit.
@juliussharpe
If you're a douchebag, it's so easy to find the right hat.
If you're a douchebag, it's so easy to find the right hat.
@juliussharpe
Interesting fact - 80% of people inside a Radio Shack have no idea how they got there or how to get out.
Interesting fact - 80% of people inside a Radio Shack have no idea how they got there or how to get out.