Fun Tweets / @jwoodham

Jun 3 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Sleep is always the answer. Upset? Go to sleep. Not feeling well? Go to sleep. Already asleep? Stop making excuses and go to sleep harder.

Mar 10 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
How's college supposed to prepare you for the real world? All it does is make you tired and stressed out and anxious and nevermind I get it.

Jan 29 2015 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
[Gets down on one knee] We can save $7.99 a month if we share a single Netflix account.

Dec 11 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Why do the proms stop after high school? Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.

Dec 9 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Nov 3 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
People think life after college is nothing but feeling tired all the time, but that's just not true. There's also a ton of fear and anxiety.

Oct 8 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
DATING TIP: Play hard to get. Train to be an astronaut. Fly into space and leave Earth behind. Then text your crush and be like "what's up?"

Oct 7 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
If you're an adult and you aren't tired, you probably just fell asleep and started dreaming. Wake up. It's time to be tired again.

Sep 10 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Sorry, I'm way too tired to do anything tonight. I just need to take a shower, get to bed early, then look at stuff on my phone until 4 AM.

Aug 15 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

Aug 3 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.

Jul 18 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
If you can pull off a lip ring, you should. Like literally. Pull it off your face.

Jul 18 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Do you want to get dinner sometime? Sorry, I said that wrong. Do you want to get me dinner sometime? Like deliver food to me and then leave?

Jul 4 2014 Retweet

@jwoodham
Don't text and drive. Just pull over until you're done using your phone. That's what I do. I've been on the side of the road since 2011.

May 6 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Welcome to Applebee's! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Apr 15 2014 Retweet

@jwoodham
Don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. Their phone is probably just "on silent" or "right in front of their lying face."

Mar 10 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Plenty of great people were single just like you are. For instance: Voldemort. Wait, bad example. You're way less talented than Voldemort.

Mar 4 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it's not on Netflix.

Feb 4 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
DIET TIP: Always eat smart. Refuse any food that hasn't scored highly on the SATs and been admitted to an Ivy League school.

Feb 3 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
"Adorkable," I say nervously, looking into the bathroom mirror. "Adorkable. Adorkable." A fire erupts behind me. Zooey Deschanel emerges.

Jan 14 2014 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Of course I like you, which is why I have to act like I don't like you so you'll know how much I like you.

Dec 20 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

Dec 16 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Yeah, I had a good weekend. Mostly just ran around the theater screaming "THE BOOK WAS BETTER! WHATEVER YOU'RE SEEING, THE BOOK WAS BETTER!"

Dec 6 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Dec 3 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Dec 3 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I'm running late to a concert and I'm the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Nov 17 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
According to the white girl weather report, today will be "suuuuper duper sunny" with a high of "ughhhh" and a low of "fuh-reezing!"

Nov 15 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That's how this works.

Nov 15 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Nov 15 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Yeah, I'm majoring in math. Then when I graduate I'll get a job down at the math factory. Maybe even work my way up to CEO of math one day.

Nov 4 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the S'mores of Pop-Tarts, it was the Unfrosted Strawberry of Pop-Tarts.

Nov 3 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
As an adult, it's exciting to know that I'll soon be old enough to play a high school student on ABC Family.

Oct 31 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
The best Miley Cyrus costume I've seen so far is this huge pile of dog shit on the sidewalk.

Part of a collection

Oct 26 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Kristen Stewart is unable to be here today, so accepting the award on her behalf is this large bowl of cold mashed potatoes.

Oct 25 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

Oct 7 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Sep 10 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
BREAKING: Millions of young white girls scream themselves unconscious as the new iPhone color is revealed to be Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Sep 5 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Maybe don't name your musical "Rent" if you don't even have songs that discuss real estate or leasing procedures. 0/10, very disappointing.

Aug 28 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
It's stupid to just ask "where" a sorority girl is when the more accurate question is "where in Target" is she.

Aug 16 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
Sorry I took the little stringy things off my banana and put them on your baby's head to make it look like he had hair.

Jun 23 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
One time I actually found a magic lamp with a genie inside but it was back in 2005 so that's why I have three Motorola Razrs.

Mar 30 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
"Hi, I'm Justin Timberlake." *notices that he's actually a large body of salt water, not fresh water* "Nice try, Mr. Timberocean."

Jan 30 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@jwoodham
If I ever got the chance to go on "Jeopardy," I'd just buzz in on every question and answer "what is love?" until they made me leave.