kellyoxford
100% of Guy Fieri fans drive drunk.
100% of Guy Fieri fans drive drunk.
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kellyoxford
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
kellyoxford
If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.
If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.
kellyoxford
Painters wear all white while they paint like they don't give a fuck.
Painters wear all white while they paint like they don't give a fuck.
kellyoxford
One of the rudest things you can do is make eye contact with someone eating McDonald's in their car.
One of the rudest things you can do is make eye contact with someone eating McDonald's in their car.
kellyoxford
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella felt at midnight.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella felt at midnight.
kellyoxford
"Mom, I'm here to make your boobs big." - smiling 3 yr old comes out of garage with a bike pump.
"Mom, I'm here to make your boobs big." - smiling 3 yr old comes out of garage with a bike pump.
kellyoxford
Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
kellyoxford
Sometimes I like to freak out the toddler by putting my iPad to my ear and frantically asking her if I've been miniaturized.
Sometimes I like to freak out the toddler by putting my iPad to my ear and frantically asking her if I've been miniaturized.
kellyoxford
Just found out I'm willing to drive 40mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
Just found out I'm willing to drive 40mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.
kellyoxford
If tonight's Golden Globes was a murder mystery party, Elton John would totally be the killer.
If tonight's Golden Globes was a murder mystery party, Elton John would totally be the killer.
kellyoxford
It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.
It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.
kellyoxford
My daydream solution to organizing my house is always arson.
My daydream solution to organizing my house is always arson.
kellyoxford
"That's you" is one of my favorite games to play with my husband when we see disgusting people.
"That's you" is one of my favorite games to play with my husband when we see disgusting people.
kellyoxford
Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when girls like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak.
Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when girls like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak.
kellyoxford
Picturing all of your organs, just laying there pulsating under your skin, is a pretty terrible way to try to fall asleep.
Picturing all of your organs, just laying there pulsating under your skin, is a pretty terrible way to try to fall asleep.
kellyoxford
Playing that 'Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?' song on your iPhone, full blast while entering a public toilet stall, feels pretty good.
Playing that 'Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?' song on your iPhone, full blast while entering a public toilet stall, feels pretty good.
kellyoxford
FACT: The internet was invented to globalize complaining.
FACT: The internet was invented to globalize complaining.
kellyoxford
Some of us are quiet because we're worried our thoughts might come out.
Some of us are quiet because we're worried our thoughts might come out.
kellyoxford
Had my son’s hearing tested because he’s always yelling. Turns out he’s just an asshole. :(
Had my son’s hearing tested because he’s always yelling. Turns out he’s just an asshole. :(
kellyoxford
The first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's ass and ate it must have been really fucking hungry.
The first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's ass and ate it must have been really fucking hungry.
kellyoxford
One thing I want before I die, is to totally not be aware of the moment I die.
One thing I want before I die, is to totally not be aware of the moment I die.
kellyoxford
I don't care about babies on flights, but people who don't travel often should have their own terminal.
I don't care about babies on flights, but people who don't travel often should have their own terminal.
kellyoxford
If you don't have company or a package coming, don't answer the doorbell. You're nobody's bitch.
If you don't have company or a package coming, don't answer the doorbell. You're nobody's bitch.
kellyoxford
It's too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.
It's too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.
kellyoxford
They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, but it really feels like the most sincere form of assholery.
They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, but it really feels like the most sincere form of assholery.
kellyoxford
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
kellyoxford
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
kellyoxford
I made eye contact with a British boy today and quietly asked "Are you Harry Potter?" and he and his Mother did NOT think it was funny.
I made eye contact with a British boy today and quietly asked "Are you Harry Potter?" and he and his Mother did NOT think it was funny.
kellyoxford
Yelling "YOU MONSTER!" after someone farts in a public bathroom feels pretty great.
Yelling "YOU MONSTER!" after someone farts in a public bathroom feels pretty great.
kellyoxford
The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.
The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.
kellyoxford
Using a remote control is the closest most of us get to being wizards.
Using a remote control is the closest most of us get to being wizards.
kellyoxford
It's 100% legal to murder a kid who gets in the elevator and pushes all of the buttons.
It's 100% legal to murder a kid who gets in the elevator and pushes all of the buttons.
kellyoxford
Wish I wasn't raising my kids in an era where mediocrity was celebrated.
Wish I wasn't raising my kids in an era where mediocrity was celebrated.
kellyoxford
2 yr old just made me wish I was 2 again: "I had a dream I was walking down the street and didn't have to hold anyone's hand"
2 yr old just made me wish I was 2 again: "I had a dream I was walking down the street and didn't have to hold anyone's hand"
kellyoxford
If I was a video game character, the 'B' button would activate my special move: Avoiding conversations.
If I was a video game character, the 'B' button would activate my special move: Avoiding conversations.
kellyoxford
Has anyone said 'Julia Roberts makes me feel like I don't have enough teeth'? Because I'd like to say that.
Has anyone said 'Julia Roberts makes me feel like I don't have enough teeth'? Because I'd like to say that.
kellyoxford
I mutter "you arrogant asshole" when my phone auto-corrects 'iphone' to 'iPhone'
I mutter "you arrogant asshole" when my phone auto-corrects 'iphone' to 'iPhone'
kellyoxford
REMEMBER: If you mention another race, you're racist.
REMEMBER: If you mention another race, you're racist.
kellyoxford
Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don't have? Ankles.
Something people in McDonalds have? Fries. Something people in McDonalds don't have? Ankles.
kellyoxford
Wish there was a way to take all of these people commenting on the internet and make them useful.
Wish there was a way to take all of these people commenting on the internet and make them useful.
kellyoxford
I'd love a video montage of every single time I've walked into a room and forgotten why I'm in there.
I'd love a video montage of every single time I've walked into a room and forgotten why I'm in there.
kellyoxford
Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.
Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up.
kellyoxford
Look at all these people writing in Starbucks, just like Hemingway.
Look at all these people writing in Starbucks, just like Hemingway.
kellyoxford
We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.
We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.
kellyoxford
If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $4.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.
If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $4.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.
kellyoxford
People without profile photos, put your photo up 'cause there's no way you're as fat as we're all imagining.
People without profile photos, put your photo up 'cause there's no way you're as fat as we're all imagining.
kellyoxford
It's cute that they still said the for 'richer/poorer' thing.
It's cute that they still said the for 'richer/poorer' thing.
kellyoxford
"I don't like the taste of water" - First World Problem
"I don't like the taste of water" - First World Problem
kellyoxford
BLIND KIDS: Lady Gaga looks like what a chicken sounds like.
BLIND KIDS: Lady Gaga looks like what a chicken sounds like.
kellyoxford
It's amazing that even 20 years later, pretending to shoot heroin with an mechanical pencil can still be a great way to procrastinate.
It's amazing that even 20 years later, pretending to shoot heroin with an mechanical pencil can still be a great way to procrastinate.
kellyoxford
Just watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.
Just watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.
kellyoxford
Adulthood is the moment you switch from taking the occasional drug to trip out, to taking the occasional drug to feel normal.
Adulthood is the moment you switch from taking the occasional drug to trip out, to taking the occasional drug to feel normal.
kellyoxford
Using the little box on my MacBook charge cord to keep my feet warm, just like my ancestors did
Using the little box on my MacBook charge cord to keep my feet warm, just like my ancestors did
kellyoxford
Funny how you go in to get a face-lift to look younger but just end up looking like other women with face-lifts.
Funny how you go in to get a face-lift to look younger but just end up looking like other women with face-lifts.
kellyoxford
Remember when we were all like "FACEBOOK MOVIE WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?!'
Remember when we were all like "FACEBOOK MOVIE WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?!'
kellyoxford
This map of Africa is so authentic, it has no borders, it just says "Hey guys, can someone fucking help us?" across the entire thing.
This map of Africa is so authentic, it has no borders, it just says "Hey guys, can someone fucking help us?" across the entire thing.
kellyoxford
Why do people say "fat people are lazy"? Fat people get themselves food, I'm skinny because I'm too lazy to get myself food.
Why do people say "fat people are lazy"? Fat people get themselves food, I'm skinny because I'm too lazy to get myself food.
kellyoxford
Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole :(
Had my son's hearing tested because he's always yelling. Turns out he's just an asshole :(
kellyoxford
Look at the name 'Morgan Freeman' and then TRY not to read things in Morgan Freeman's voice. See? You can't.
Look at the name 'Morgan Freeman' and then TRY not to read things in Morgan Freeman's voice. See? You can't.
kellyoxford
Something people in Walmart have? Colds. Something people in Walmart are missing? Ankles.
Something people in Walmart have? Colds. Something people in Walmart are missing? Ankles.
kellyoxford
Sarah Palin is going to Haiti? Haven't these people been put through enough this year?
Sarah Palin is going to Haiti? Haven't these people been put through enough this year?
kellyoxford
I wish people who made amateur porn would clean up their rooms first.
I wish people who made amateur porn would clean up their rooms first.
kellyoxford
This kid who wants 'two front teeth' for Christmas is full of shit.
This kid who wants 'two front teeth' for Christmas is full of shit.
kellyoxford
"Will this ever feel less awkward?" - whoever is waking up beside Michael Cera right now
"Will this ever feel less awkward?" - whoever is waking up beside Michael Cera right now
kellyoxford
The more Sarah Palin talks to the media about running for president in 2012, the closer we get to Googling "Mayan Calendar".
The more Sarah Palin talks to the media about running for president in 2012, the closer we get to Googling "Mayan Calendar".
kellyoxford
I judge a book by it's cover when the cover is a picture worth 1000 words.
I judge a book by it's cover when the cover is a picture worth 1000 words.
kellyoxford
I'd be less introverted if the conversations in my head weren't better than the conversations I have with other people.
I'd be less introverted if the conversations in my head weren't better than the conversations I have with other people.
kellyoxford
Now I really am just like Christine O'Donnell (not a Senator)
Now I really am just like Christine O'Donnell (not a Senator)
kellyoxford
Monday mornings are spent avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.
Monday mornings are spent avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.
kellyoxford
Shakira molests air and calls it dancing.
Shakira molests air and calls it dancing.
kellyoxford
Billion Dollar Idea: Child-Cancelling Headphones
Billion Dollar Idea: Child-Cancelling Headphones
kellyoxford
I'll miss 10:10 on 10-10-10 but I'm sure it will be amazing for people sitting by the clock watching it all happen.
I'll miss 10:10 on 10-10-10 but I'm sure it will be amazing for people sitting by the clock watching it all happen.
kellyoxford
There's no way Kat Von D knows when she's done showering.
There's no way Kat Von D knows when she's done showering.
kellyoxford
Justin Bieber just compared himself to Kurt Cobain. When Kurt Cobain finds out, he's totally going to kill himself.
Justin Bieber just compared himself to Kurt Cobain. When Kurt Cobain finds out, he's totally going to kill himself.
kellyoxford
"The only way I'd go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert" - my 9 yr old daughter
"The only way I'd go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert" - my 9 yr old daughter
kellyoxford
Jenna Jameson to Oprah, "There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone." I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.
Jenna Jameson to Oprah, "There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone." I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.
kellyoxford
75% of women who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear', know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'.
75% of women who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear', know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'.
kellyoxford
I wish people who made amateur porn would clean up their rooms first.
I wish people who made amateur porn would clean up their rooms first.