@markleggett
Here's a fact about bees: They don't give a shit about your petty little problems. They've got a fucking job to do. Time is honey.

@markleggett
Welcome to the jungle. My name is Axl Rose. I think you'll find we run a pretty good jungle here. There's the toilet *points everywhere*

@markleggett
When life gives you lemons, Instagram photos of them and add #Lemons, #LemonSwag, and #UJealous.

@markleggett
Jay-Z puts down his phone and rolls his eyes. "The wife." "I hear that!" says Kanye, trying do the same but accidentally going cross-eyed.

@markleggett
Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

@markleggett
Congratulations, outspoken atheists! You've made not having a religion into your religion!