@mikefossey
thinking about getting a second dick installed to compensate for my shitty car

@mikefossey
I'm imagining a press conference where they announce that Dr. Pepper is a woman and there's a huge boycott

@mikefossey
(i crack an egg; it falls under the pan) i prefer a firm yolk (i accidentally drop my phone in the toilet) phones make us communicate less

@mikefossey
Ive tried everything to get my dog to behave. Ive tried shoving it into a wool tube, stabbing it in the neck and head, etc. nothing works.

@mikefossey
(I rest my foot on a woman's purse as she's walking down the street) hey how's it going

@mikefossey
Time is money, so if you never accept a job, you have 24 hours of money per day, which is the maximum amount, so youre the richest man alive