@peteholmes
i know we have cell phones and the internet, but i kinda expected the world to look like Tron by now.

@peteholmes
"if our love was a tweet, i'd fav, RT and 'gram a screen grab, bae." - modern vows

@peteholmes
not one character on the show Friends had a job that was a joke, was broke, or had a love life that was DOA.

@peteholmes
i don't do crossfit, i cross "fit" off my list of goals. way easier.

@peteholmes
origami is a great idea on paper, but in reality folding a swan will kill it.

@peteholmes
i mean, at some point the Absolute Funniest Thing Ever happened and i'd bet you $75 it involved a huge fart.

@peteholmes
i look at my phone's 100% battery icon with the same fondness as proud parents watching their children bounce out of bed yelling "pancakes!"

@peteholmes
i don't always watch soft core porn, but when i do i watch XX. stay horny my friends.

@peteholmes
"look, you know i LOVE calling birds. love. but FOUR? jesus, phil, i don't have room for this shit and you knew that!"

@peteholmes
i still remember the disappointment when i learned that "diuretic" doesn't mean "gives you diarrhea." (it was 20 minutes ago)

@peteholmes
smokers have a greater risk of heart disease, stroke and hard-to-hear outdoor phone conversations.

@peteholmes
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."

@peteholmes
"I see your face and raise you a boner." - a fun way for a poker player to tell his girlfriend she's attractive

@peteholmes
If a caveman from the Paleolithic era saw you turn down a cupcake because youre on the "Paleo Diet," he'd kill you with a sharpened seashell

@peteholmes
"Check out Zach Galifinapkins over here!" - joke I have prepared if I ever see a bearded man holding a lot of napkins.

@peteholmes
It's always a little disconcerting how before you trust them with your life every airline checks you in using computers running Windows 95.