plemur
I think the most romantic thing a woman can do for a man on Valentine's Day is to have a vagina.
I think the most romantic thing a woman can do for a man on Valentine's Day is to have a vagina.
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plemur
I bet if I could see into the future, I would use that power to watch a lot more TV.
I bet if I could see into the future, I would use that power to watch a lot more TV.
plemur
I bet a lesbian geneticist would do a lot of lab work for a clone dike bar.
I bet a lesbian geneticist would do a lot of lab work for a clone dike bar.
plemur
I don't drink Kool-Aid because I am worried about excessive property damage.
I don't drink Kool-Aid because I am worried about excessive property damage.
plemur
I think the most ironic thing about irony is that it's not made of metal at all.
I think the most ironic thing about irony is that it's not made of metal at all.
plemur
If I ever have two sons, I'll name one Penn and the other Sword, then make them wrestle a lot just to see if it's true.
If I ever have two sons, I'll name one Penn and the other Sword, then make them wrestle a lot just to see if it's true.
plemur
The best place to have a third nipple is on the palm of your hand so when you shake hands with someone you can sue for sexual harassment.
The best place to have a third nipple is on the palm of your hand so when you shake hands with someone you can sue for sexual harassment.
plemur
When I get caught smoking in a restaurant, I pretend I'm blind and tell them the cigarette is my seeing eye dog.
When I get caught smoking in a restaurant, I pretend I'm blind and tell them the cigarette is my seeing eye dog.
plemur
If I ever start a customer service company, I'm going to name it 'Hold Please'.
If I ever start a customer service company, I'm going to name it 'Hold Please'.
plemur
I think the thing that really gets me hard is increased blood flow to my penis.
I think the thing that really gets me hard is increased blood flow to my penis.
plemur
I think the easiest way to get a woman to sleep with you is to have her in bed with you when she's very tired.
I think the easiest way to get a woman to sleep with you is to have her in bed with you when she's very tired.
plemur
The worst thing about being the first person to live on the moon will be getting caught lying every time you claim to get laid.
The worst thing about being the first person to live on the moon will be getting caught lying every time you claim to get laid.
plemur
I'd like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
I'd like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
plemur
Sometimes I smoke a cigarette after sex because it's hard to explain that I'm lighting a match to get rid of the smell.
Sometimes I smoke a cigarette after sex because it's hard to explain that I'm lighting a match to get rid of the smell.
plemur
The best thing about going on a first date to the petting zoo is that if she doesn't put out there are still plenty of options.
The best thing about going on a first date to the petting zoo is that if she doesn't put out there are still plenty of options.
plemur
If life hands you lemons, ask it why it has hands.
If life hands you lemons, ask it why it has hands.
plemur
I think the best way to prevent a polar bear from raping you is to just say "Yes!"
I think the best way to prevent a polar bear from raping you is to just say "Yes!"
plemur
I used to think I knew what a racist was until I told Usain Bolt he was my favorite racist ever.
I used to think I knew what a racist was until I told Usain Bolt he was my favorite racist ever.
plemur
The funniest part of being put under with nitrous at the dentist is getting home to find your underwear on backwards.
The funniest part of being put under with nitrous at the dentist is getting home to find your underwear on backwards.
plemur
If I lived in medieval times I'd get laid a lot because "Would dost thou enjoy my penis shoved into thine lady parts? sounds fucking classy.
If I lived in medieval times I'd get laid a lot because "Would dost thou enjoy my penis shoved into thine lady parts? sounds fucking classy.
plemur
If we're strictly talking body count, then I'm a morning person.
If we're strictly talking body count, then I'm a morning person.
plemur
When someone stands next to me at the urinals, I can't pee because I'm nervous they'll see the kitten I keep in my pants.
When someone stands next to me at the urinals, I can't pee because I'm nervous they'll see the kitten I keep in my pants.
plemur
I think if I was brutally ass raped by a unicorn, it would be of little consolation that they are fictional.
I think if I was brutally ass raped by a unicorn, it would be of little consolation that they are fictional.
plemur
I bet when you barge in on a chicken rapist and say "Guess what!?" they really mean it when they say "Chicken butt."
I bet when you barge in on a chicken rapist and say "Guess what!?" they really mean it when they say "Chicken butt."
plemur
I bet if supermodels got to pick a superpower some of them would choose 'solar' because some of them aren't that bright
I bet if supermodels got to pick a superpower some of them would choose 'solar' because some of them aren't that bright
plemur
I think when shit hits the fan you really should rethink why and where you have that fan.
I think when shit hits the fan you really should rethink why and where you have that fan.
plemur
I think my favorite sexual organ is the one in the Milan Cathedral because that is the only organ I've actually had sex with.
I think my favorite sexual organ is the one in the Milan Cathedral because that is the only organ I've actually had sex with.
plemur
I think the best thing about being a house wife is that you would get to be married to a house!
I think the best thing about being a house wife is that you would get to be married to a house!
plemur
I wonder if ugly people make a pretty face when they orgasm.
I wonder if ugly people make a pretty face when they orgasm.
plemur
If I could go back to my childhood with the knowledge I have today, I'd probably earn the nickname 'little pervert'.
If I could go back to my childhood with the knowledge I have today, I'd probably earn the nickname 'little pervert'.
plemur
I bet some astronomers can't tell black holes apart because they're racists.
I bet some astronomers can't tell black holes apart because they're racists.
plemur
I like to push the envelope because it's probably a bill, and eventually it'll fall off the table.
I like to push the envelope because it's probably a bill, and eventually it'll fall off the table.
plemur
I'm glad Alfred Hitchcock never made a porno because it would be really weird when he made his cameo.
I'm glad Alfred Hitchcock never made a porno because it would be really weird when he made his cameo.
plemur
I know a thousand ways to kill a man, and pretty much all of them are with an XBOX controller.
I know a thousand ways to kill a man, and pretty much all of them are with an XBOX controller.
plemur
If I could make the ultimate scary animal, I'd make it hybrid with the head of a bear, bear claws, and the body of a bear.
If I could make the ultimate scary animal, I'd make it hybrid with the head of a bear, bear claws, and the body of a bear.
plemur
Israel has an Olympic skier in Vancouver which makes me wonder if he thinks it's a shalom competition.
Israel has an Olympic skier in Vancouver which makes me wonder if he thinks it's a shalom competition.
plemur
The fastest way to learn a foreign language is to take a lover who speaks that language, which makes me wonder about Mr. Ed.
The fastest way to learn a foreign language is to take a lover who speaks that language, which makes me wonder about Mr. Ed.
plemur
If these walls could talk, I bet it would sound like someone was trapped in the wall and we'd all freak out pretty bad.
If these walls could talk, I bet it would sound like someone was trapped in the wall and we'd all freak out pretty bad.
plemur
Sometimes I find it hard to express myself because FedEx hears me breathing.
Sometimes I find it hard to express myself because FedEx hears me breathing.
plemur
After many years, I have decided I no longer care where Waldo is because we do not have any sort of reciprocal relationship.
After many years, I have decided I no longer care where Waldo is because we do not have any sort of reciprocal relationship.
plemur
I bet Pocahontas' name was actually Hontas but everybody just knew her by her high school nickname.
I bet Pocahontas' name was actually Hontas but everybody just knew her by her high school nickname.
plemur
I wish dogs had facial expressions because when he's obviously checking out my junk, I'd kind of like to know his opinion.
I wish dogs had facial expressions because when he's obviously checking out my junk, I'd kind of like to know his opinion.
plemur
I bet when something really awesome happens to a dung beetle they say "Oh, shit!"
I bet when something really awesome happens to a dung beetle they say "Oh, shit!"
plemur
Sometimes when I cum, I scream really loudly because people should knock before opening a bathroom stall.
Sometimes when I cum, I scream really loudly because people should knock before opening a bathroom stall.
plemur
My tweets may contain typos because English is not my first language--my first language was baby talk, and babies are horrible writers.
My tweets may contain typos because English is not my first language--my first language was baby talk, and babies are horrible writers.
plemur
I think it's important to remember that woman aren't sex objects; women are sex people.
I think it's important to remember that woman aren't sex objects; women are sex people.
plemur
When I die, I hope it's in a women's dressing room because if I become a ghost, that would be AWESOME!
When I die, I hope it's in a women's dressing room because if I become a ghost, that would be AWESOME!
plemur
I think if we trained bears to fly planes people wouldn't worry about hijacking because they'd be too worried about bears.
I think if we trained bears to fly planes people wouldn't worry about hijacking because they'd be too worried about bears.
plemur
If I were an astronaut, I'd want to be one for the Bahamas because I really don't want to take the risk of actually going into space.
If I were an astronaut, I'd want to be one for the Bahamas because I really don't want to take the risk of actually going into space.
plemur
I think my favorite MLK Day tradition is giving pans of ex-lax laced brownies to all the local racist organizations.
I think my favorite MLK Day tradition is giving pans of ex-lax laced brownies to all the local racist organizations.
plemur
I'm surprised more death row inmates don't choose a machine gun, a key to the prison, and a helicopter for their last meal.
I'm surprised more death row inmates don't choose a machine gun, a key to the prison, and a helicopter for their last meal.
plemur
I think that if Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh had their brains swapped, the world would be better because that surgery sounds really risky.
I think that if Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh had their brains swapped, the world would be better because that surgery sounds really risky.
plemur
If I were Lex Luther, I'd just send Superman a bunch of gift certificates to Taco Bell and let him do my work for me.
If I were Lex Luther, I'd just send Superman a bunch of gift certificates to Taco Bell and let him do my work for me.
plemur
They say there's a lot of fish in the sea but I can't hold my breath long enough to have sex with them.
They say there's a lot of fish in the sea but I can't hold my breath long enough to have sex with them.
plemur
I think the worst thing about falling asleep right after sex is that I never manage to get the fish back into the aquarium.
I think the worst thing about falling asleep right after sex is that I never manage to get the fish back into the aquarium.
plemur
They say that murder rates go down with more employment, so I bet if we gave everybody jobs murdering people, they'd be really bad at it.
They say that murder rates go down with more employment, so I bet if we gave everybody jobs murdering people, they'd be really bad at it.
plemur
I think the funnest part of a prostate exam is when I fake an orgasm.
I think the funnest part of a prostate exam is when I fake an orgasm.
plemur
If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.
plemur
I sex you, but I'm not 'in sex' with you.
I sex you, but I'm not 'in sex' with you.