@robdelaney
So this is weird: I bent over to pick up a cashew & a bunch of hot, scented air rushed out of my bottome-hole, making a curious noise.

@robdelaney
Let’s not forget to wish Happy Mother’s Day to all the “moms” of dogs & puppies out there!! JK, you are absolutely not moms.

@robdelaney
A lot of Americans don't realize that "Braveheart" is set in the 1970s. That's just how Scotland is. #culture

@robdelaney
Talk shit about Billy Joel to me & you'll get BLOCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCK-OCKED. You oughta know by now.

@robdelaney
Pretty gay that “real” Mexicans don’t celebrate their heritage today with the same exuberance American frat bros do.

@robdelaney
My cousin Denise's baby Alpo was born with no feet and a full adult penis because she drank Four Loko when she was pregnant :(