Tweets by @robfee added on Fun Tweets.
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May 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Being a Miami Heat fan is like high fiving Starbucks employees while the locally owned coffee shop across the street boards up its doors.

May 3 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Would it have been more or less racist if Air Bud had been a black lab?

Apr 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
In West Philadelphia born & raised/ through my anus is where I got most of my AIDS - Tom Hanks in ‘Philadelphia’

Apr 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Confess to murdering a relative while you’re contestants on Family Feud. That way your family will be forced to applaud & say “Good answer!”

Mar 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Mar 27 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
“Can I replace the fries with a salad?” = “Do you mind if I spit on the American flag?”

Mar 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

Mar 21 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Why don’t you make like a tree & get slammed into by my drunk uncle on Halloween ‘97 why didnt you call a cab Uncle Gary we miss you so much

Mar 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
The new pope emerges from the Vatican but its clearly three kids in a giant trenchcoat. One of the kids tumbles out & no one notices??

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Mar 5 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Before he started smoking cigarettes, Coolio was just called io.

Feb 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court.

Feb 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
If I were Brian Cranston every day I'd drive to Jiffy Lube & say "I dunno it just seems to be braking bad!" Then we would laugh & do meth.

Feb 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Roses are meh, violets are whatever, everything is bland, whatever, this is boring. - Kristen Stewart's Valentine's Day Card

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Feb 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
A group of kids asked me to make a donation to their school & I was so moved I had to reach in my pocket & slowly pull out my middle finger.

Feb 8 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Shakira’s hips just told me 9/11 was an inside job and now I don’t know what to believe.

Feb 3 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Shouldn’t the Superdome staff be used to having thousands of people packed in with no power?

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Jan 3 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.

Dec 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
♫Oh Christmas Tree oh Christmas Tree how lovely are your branches.Damn Christmas Tree show me whatchu workin with, bend over & make it clap♫

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Dec 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
After 3 months of Crest White Strips, my teeth are so white they bought me a gift card to Anthropologie & wont stop talking about Mad Men.

Dec 11 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.

Dec 8 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Imagine if Batman accidentally dropped that atom bomb on the bus full of orphans, then looked at the camera & made the Jim Halpert face.

Dec 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Is it “lying in a puddle of blood” or “laying in a puddle of blood?” Lol who knows, but yeah seriously, send an ambulance right away.

Nov 21 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
RIP everyone’s aunt who gets trampled to death Friday morning trying to save $18 on a Roomba.

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Nov 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Hard to convince people that every vote matters when they’re still counting ballots in Florida after Obama gave his victory speech.

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Oct 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
I would have been grounded for saying 66% of Dick Van Dyke’s name.

Oct 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Don’t try “to” tell me how to use quotation marks.

Oct 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
What if Bane’s mask was really just a cool, elaborate electronic cigarette?

Oct 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Beer commercials really overestimate how many attractive people live in my apartment building.

Oct 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
In ten years we’ll replace man on the evolutionary chart with all the different sized iPods.

Oct 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Both candidates are agreeing so much in this debate I’m pretty sure it’s going to end with each of them saying “No YOU hang up first.”

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Oct 20 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
I bet OJ Simpson’s friends were really confused when his answer to F/Marry/Kill was “Yes.”

Oct 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
[My preferred candidate] definitely won tonight! - Literally everyone

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Oct 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
If Romney asks Obama why he allowed Breaking Bad’s final season to be split in half, this election is over.

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Oct 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

Oct 11 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Joe Biden keeps laughing during the debate because he can’t stop thinking about Air Bud dunking a basketball.

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Oct 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
If you watch The Ring backwards it’s about a young Asian girl who emerges from a well to start a 7 day VCR repair company.

Oct 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Everyone’s dad turns down the radio when he misses a turn or gets lost like it was Tom Petty’s fault or something.

Sep 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Sep 4 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.

Aug 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Paul Ryan is so white, his middle name is the guitar riff from Radiohead's "Creep"

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Aug 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
My son laughed at a ceiling fan for 45 minutes in case any studio execs are wondering how to reach his demographic.

Aug 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
I asked Kanye West if he’d seen Inception & he opened the locket around his neck revealing a photo of me asking him of he’d seen Inception.

Aug 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Usain Bolt is pretty arrogant for a guy who’s in the spotlight fewer times a decade than Punxsutawney Phil.

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Aug 11 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Tell me more about how awful dubstep is, generation that celebrated disco.

Aug 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry.

Aug 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Kenyan whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.

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Jul 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is like the Kardashians sponsoring a job fair.

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Jul 25 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."

Jul 17 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Pixar says Toy Story 4 is about Hamm, the piggy bank, being turned upside down as executives try to shake every dime out of the franchise.

Jul 4 Retweet

@robfee
If you have a cookout at 2pm that means food is ready at 2pm. If you haven’t started cooking yet you’re worse than Hitler.

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Jul 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
One time a baby threw up in my mouth & it still wasn’t as disgusting as Nicholas Cage’s haircut in National Treasure 2.

Jun 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
"Seriously? No one has ANY other suggestions??" - Guy at the meeting to name Siemens Mattress Company

Jun 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Why were those customers on ‘Crazy Taxi’ so pissed off all the time? SORRY IT TOOK 34 SECONDS TO GET TO PIZZA HUT MA’AM!

Apr 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving? For me it's three weeks.

Apr 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?

Apr 11 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Is it racist that I think all of Tyler Perry's movies look alike?

Apr 2 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Knock knock. Who's there? Mom & Dad. Mom & Dad who? Exactly. -Cool way to tell your son he's adopted.

Feb 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Roses are red, chicken is good, pot roast is good, gravy is good, fudge is good, pie is good. Happy Valentines Day Christina Aguilera!

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Dec 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Home Alone is so unrealistic, the robbers aren't even black!

Dec 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.

Nov 9 2011 Retweet

@robfee
"I'm sorry, it's just who I am." = "I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."

Oct 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
If I were God I would say I'm going to fill the ocean with water but when the Subway employee wasn't looking fill it with Sprite instead.

Oct 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $47! -Attorneys

Oct 23 2011 Retweet

@robfee
Hey Saturday Night Live, when the same guy's playing Herman Cain, Tiger Woods, & Whoopi Goldberg it might be time to add a new black person.

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Oct 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
When a character in a movie says the title in the middle of dialogue they should be required to wink and make tiny guns with their fingers.

Oct 20 2011 Retweet

@robfee
I tear the plastic off of dry cleaning with the same intensity Hulk Hogan ripped off his tiny yellow tanktops.

Oct 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
How do black people decide what day to wear airbrushed memorial t-shirts of dead relatives?

Oct 20 2011 Retweet

@robfee
I can't believe Gadhafi died, but really Professor Snape had no other choice to kill him so Voldemort would think he was on his side.

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Oct 16 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
My haunted house would be one where guys jump out w your tax forms improperly filled out & others handing you phones with your mom on hold.

Sep 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
My sinuses are under so much pressure Vanilla Ice just ripped them off.

Sep 23 2011 Retweet

@robfee
My city was so poor growing up that Planned Parenthood was just a bicycle without a seat.

Sep 20 2011 Retweet

@robfee
Really hope autocorrect altered that last text because if not my mom's taking my little brother to a Christian rape concert tonight.

Sep 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
So as a society we will forever argue and debate over religion and political beliefs yet we freely accept that Mr. Rogers can speak trolley?

Sep 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
I just hope I love my child enough to stab a referee that made a bad call against him in a little league game.

Sep 3 2011 Retweet

@robfee
My favorite part of Avatar was when Queen Amidala defeated the Klingons by helping Harry Potter & Legolas destroy the White Witch's ring?

Aug 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he was feeling a little funny. He had testicular cancer.

Aug 25 2011 Retweet

@robfee
Know how drunk girls go out of their way to insist how sober they are? The same rule applies to a guy who always talk about how "big" he is.

Aug 23 2011 Retweet

@robfee
"Hahaha look at those East Coast idiots freaking out over a little earthquOH MY GOD IS THAT A SLIGHT SNOW FLURRY????" -California

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Aug 19 2011 Retweet

@robfee
We may be approaching this wrong, what if Paris Hilton is actually just a hoarder of dicks?

Aug 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
When is Jesse Jackson going to notice how segregated Neopolitan ice cream is?

Aug 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
I don't think so unnamed henchman shooting at the main character.

Aug 3 2011 Retweet

@robfee
In college a dirty $20 bill tried to have sex with me. I didn't have a condom so I declined because you never want to get Financial AIDS.

Jul 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Somebody called me a racist today! I mean I think they did, it's so hard to hear through these white hoods.

Jul 3 2011 Retweet

@robfee
I'm going to live tweet these fireworks! Red one! That one's shaped like a heart! BLUE ONE!!! Hillbilly just puked. GREEN ONE!!!

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Jul 2 2011 Retweet

@robfee
How fucking furious do you think homeless people get when "Mo Money, Mo Problems" comes on?

Jul 2 2011 Retweet

@robfee
Nice try Asian guy in porns.

Jun 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
You haven't seen true happiness until you've looked into the face of a white person when The Cha Cha Slide comes on at a wedding.

Jun 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.

Jun 23 2011 Retweet

@robfee
Every morning Tom Cruise announces how many Latinos moved into his neighborhood. He calls it the Minority Report.

Jun 20 2011 Retweet

@robfee
Hipster farmers don't harvest crops because they're only cool when they're underground.

Jun 16 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
My niece said she COLORED a picture for me. Uh you mean you Africian Americaned a picture? Geez Confederate General, when's the klan rally?

Jun 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Just talking to my neighbor, I said "your" instead of "you're" AND HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!! Hahaha what an idiot!!!

Jun 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@robfee
Hey 300lb lady, stop bragging about your cup size. It doesn't count when your entire body is double D.