@sadvil
when I was 11 my dad saw me using deodorant, laughed, and said "that's not how you do it." I never asked him the right way & it haunts me

@sadvil
Before we begin, does everyone know how to leave the cursor in the middle of every video? Good. - 1st day of teaching school

@sadvil
[interviewer looks up from résumé] in the skills, you wrote— "completing sentences? Yes." wow. you "'re hired?" amaz- "on prime?" get out.

@sadvil
[doctor walks in] there's no easy way to say this. you have [looks at clipboard] cat…cat erects? cat or racks? Sorry. I'm new.

@sadvil
"I'm gonna die. What is happening. Whaaa-ooahh actually that's not bad" - first guy to poop

@sadvil
Fall? More like fail [watches as the leaf from a tree gracefully falls to the ground in the beautiful cycle that is nature] loser tree lol