Tweets by @samlymatters added on Fun Tweets.


Oct 3 2019 Reply Favorite Retweet
@samlymatters
As an open mic comic I spent so much time fantasizing about “shutting down a heckler” & tonight during my set a guy finally yelled “when does the comedy start?!” & I couldn’t think of anything clever so I just said “about an hour ago you fuck
Jul 24 2019 Reply Favorite Retweet
@samlymatters
When I was in high school my guy friend asked if I watched porn and I lied and said I did and he asked what key words I usually used but I had no idea what he was talking about and thought he meant password so I was just like “Idk usually something s