Tweets by @sucittaM added on Fun Tweets.
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Nov 11 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I'll be a very wealthy man.

Aug 28 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I always dump a gatorade on my head before I leave the house so people think I just won sports.

Jul 28 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Don't ever try taking off a penguin's little tuxedo. All that's under there is a dead penguin.

Apr 9 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I honestly have no idea how I stopped petting the first dog I ever pet.

Mar 11 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I bet snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.

Feb 27 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
All the doctors at this hospital must have gone to This-Piece-Of-Medical-Equipment-Is-Not-A-Toy University and majored in "boring".

Feb 16 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
While making small talk with my wife's doctor I asked him what he does for a living because I am amazing at human interaction.

Jan 16 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I like the phrase "I wasn't born yesterday" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.

Jan 8 2013 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I should have just named my dog "Password".

Nov 27 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
People at work are STILL asking how my Thanksgiving was. It's been 4 days, people. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!!

Part of a collection

Nov 19 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Nov 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Throwing handfuls of parmesan cheese at someone while yelling "PARMAGEDDON!" might just be the game-changer your Monday needs.

Nov 2 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
So is my call important to you or will it be answered in the order it was received? IT CAN'T BE BOTH!

Oct 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
And now I shall retire to the bedroom whilst I dream of binders of women providing jobs to my private sector.

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Oct 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Whenever I see someone pick up an avocado, feel it, and put it back I pick up that same avocado and whisper "you're still beautiful" to it.

Oct 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My favorite porn website changed their header to include a breast cancer awareness ribbon, so you could say I'm somewhat of an activist.

Oct 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I just named two flies in my house Buzz and Buzz Jr. If you want me to come to your house and name shit it's $20/hour.

Sep 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Sep 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The fact that belly buttons aren't blowholes is fucking stupid.

Sep 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

Sep 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Whenever I stub my toe I automatically blame and hate the next person I see.

Sep 8 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Gonna put on an orange vest and start digging a hole until someone stops me.

Sep 5 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
"FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

Sep 5 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Are cucumbers the only food you can put over your eyes to reduce puffiness because these pizza bagels aren't helping at all.

Aug 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.

Jul 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The free sample lady just asked if I'd like to try some slow roasted pork loin and then did a hip thrust at me.

Jul 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
It's great when Olympic commentators say "She really wants to take home the gold today" because it really helps me understand the sport.

Part of a collection

Jul 22 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I will step on an old woman's face to get to my computer to thumbs down a bad song on Pandora.

Jul 21 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Cheez-Its are hands down the BEST cheese flavored pronouns.

Jul 13 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

Jul 4 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The lack of people wearing American flags as capes today is disappointing to say the least.

Part of a collection

Jun 28 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I ran a marathon in 2011 if you add it all up probably.

Jun 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
"This town ain't big enough for the two of us." -Someone who is terrible at English, science, and geography.

Jun 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I'd like to be a double agent. Or maybe a single agent/pirate. Maybe even a velociraptor. Definitely a velociraptor/pirate agent.

Jun 21 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Saw a group of ants carrying a Funyun and it made me wish my friends and I had a giant Funyun.

Jun 6 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Only 3 more weeks until my Christmas lights change from "still being up" to "being up early".

May 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I want to just be a couch potato tonight, but I'm too lazy to get on my couch. So I'm a floor potato.

May 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.

Apr 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Your stick figure family window sticker promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image for your children.

Apr 20 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.

Apr 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Before twitter, celebrities used to sit dead for months and months completely unnoticed.

Apr 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Apr 2 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I put a tiny bow tie on a ladybug so you could tell he was a male. It looks adorable except for he's dead now.

Apr 1 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I played an April Fools' prank on Target where I've been sporadically stealing merchandise for the last 15 years or so.

Part of a collection

Feb 26 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I almost died trying to brush my teeth with my left hand.

Feb 20 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I just remembered the fuck outta The Alamo.

Feb 17 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My neighbor asked me to keep an eye on his house while he's out of town. I've already texted him "Your house isn't on fire" 42 times.

Feb 14 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Sending flowers to your significant other at work is a great way to tell all their coworkers that you used to have $60.

Part of a collection

Feb 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

Feb 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you. But sometimes I put both my legs in the same pant leg and pretend I'm a mermaid.

Feb 9 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Thanks for never punching me in the face, most people.

Feb 8 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

Feb 7 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

Feb 5 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
godaddy.com: the only place on the internet for naked women.

Part of a collection

Jan 30 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If the backup sensor beeping in my car is keeping with the beat of the song I'm listening to I'm probably just gonna hit whatever it is.

Jan 29 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I wore Pirates of the Caribbean pajama pants to the gym and ran backwards on the treadmill because I want a nickname there.

Jan 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I hope the Republican Response is George W. Bush saying "Oh yeah, well next year we'll kill TWO Bin Ladens. Heh heh." #SOTU

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Jan 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If Biden's mic was on you would have heard him drop seventeen F-bombs so far. #SOTU

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Jan 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
State of the Union prediction: Obama walks up, clears throat, says "Shit cray", drops the mic and walks off.

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Jan 24 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Stare at the waitress's boobs when you tell her you want "everything" on your sandwich. Ya never know...

Jan 23 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
It'd be cool if a firetruck was like an ice cream truck and just drove around selling fire to kids.

Jan 18 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you take the word "spatula" out of the dictionary it's just a list of things that aren't spatulas.

Jan 16 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I'm starting to think people are having babies solely for the Facebook likes.

Jan 15 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I wish that if you stopped yourself from sneezing enough times you could shoot an energy ball out of your hand.

Jan 12 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?!

Jan 10 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I'm currently standing in the 12 items or less line, holding 16 items, freaking the fuck out.

Dec 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work.

Dec 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Dec 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I maintain a lifelong grudge against anyone at a restaurant who orders after me yet gets their food before me.

Dec 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The liquor store cashier asked me my birth date so I said "12-25-0000", and stared into his eyes majestically.

Dec 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
There are few moments sadder than when they ask at the fast food drive-thru if you want to try the new featured item and you do.

Dec 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I spent the last hour molding a little man out of Starbursts and now I have to explain to him about death.

Dec 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I cleaned my wood floors with furniture polish and now I'm a pretty pretty ice dancer.

Dec 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I was going to start my diet today, but as it turns out pizza still exists, so...

Dec 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I just saw a guy with a mustache exactly like my grandpa's. I doubt it was his though; grandpa never let anyone borrow his mustache.

Dec 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
All this month when a waitress asks me how I'd like my eggs, I'll tell her to nog that shit.

Dec 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I never know what to do with my hands when I'm at a urinal besides flick the earlobes of the guy next to me.

Nov 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I'm wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Nov 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
How can you tell if a store-bought turkey is male or female? I'd just like to know exactly how gay what I'm doing to it is.

Part of a collection

Nov 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Is it true that Martha Washington had wooden boobs?

Submitted by @ChickenCrap

Nov 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

Nov 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When my swear jar gets full I'm gonna use the money to buy a motherfucking puppy!

Nov 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.

Nov 6 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
It sucks that bowtie pasta is the only edible formal wear my grocery store carries.

Nov 6 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I hate going to pancake houses because it just reminds me that I bought a stupid, non-delicious house.

Nov 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you die from one of the diseases you can get on The Oregon Trail, I'm gonna laugh at you. Sorry.

Submitted by @fatpita

Oct 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I think I'll just leave my turn signal on from age 60 onward.

Oct 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When choosing a bottle of wine, it's good to pick one with a picture of the animal you'd most like to get drunk with on the label.

Oct 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
44 of my Facebook friends changed their profile pictures. My life is fucking insane.

Oct 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I wish crappy people weren't allowed to like my favorite band.

Oct 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
You say "tomato", I say "flamingo". I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

Oct 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I keep nacho cheese handy so in case I start to lose an argument I can pour it on my head and say "You're arguing with nachos, you idiot".

Oct 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Why do you stop at a stop sign? Just because it says to? What if it said "Eat 54 chicken nuggets and do a cartwheel"? Would you do that too?

Oct 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.

Oct 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I imagine taking care of a baby is very similar to taking care of a very extravagant beard.

Sep 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.

Sep 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I might go to the airport and hold up a sign that says "BABES" and hope I get lucky.

Sep 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.

Sep 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
In a perfect world a "Party Pooper" would be someone who could shoot confetti out of their butt.

Sep 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
By now Waldo must be wanted for tax evasion.

Sep 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Texting back and forth with a wrong number. I'm all "Dude! Let's be BFF's!". He/she is all "Stop texting me". CLASSIC him/her!

Aug 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you ever see on a road where a section of the dotted line is missing - There is no law there.

Aug 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If I offer you some of my gummy worms, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you fucking dare take any.

Aug 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When you order a Coke and are asked if Pepsi is OK should be considered a hate crime.

Aug 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Any pizza at Pizza Hut is only $10. ANY! How is there still sadness in the world?

Aug 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If the free sample lady at the grocery store isn't handing out something I want I don't even acknowledge her as a human being.

Aug 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I hate when I'm in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I'm in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Aug 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I changed my ID to say "Organ Bonor" rather than "Organ Donor". It's spelled wrong, but I hope it still makes the doctor laugh.

Aug 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

Jul 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Q's are just O's that got shanked.

Jul 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Hey grocery store cashiers that try to guess what we're going to cook- Shut up.

Jul 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Dad always said "Time to hit the sack!" before bed. Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.

Jul 11 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

Jul 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Just itched my crotch while trying to swat a fly and four people told me I was a good dancer.

Jul 6 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking the fuck out.

Jul 6 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My air conditioner broke. I've been breathing unconditioned air for the last 14 hours. This is how super villains are born.

Jul 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If I was a plastic surgeon I'd probably spend my free time putting tiny breast implants in my toes.

Jul 5 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Still wondering if that guy I saw yesterday wearing a t-shirt in the pool was fat or not. So hard to tell!

Jun 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

Jun 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
"If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you, son." --Jay-Z consoling his son who just started menstruating.

Jun 15 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When four people arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time, it is required that they exit their vehicles and fight to the death.

Jun 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
"So You Think You Can Keep Your Stupid Talent to Yourself and Stop Bothering People?" would be a show I'd watch.

Jun 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked "DO NOT EAT". I assume all new shoes come with snacks.

Jun 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Great way to end a phone conversation: Yell "OH FUCK, METEOR!", then hang up really hard.

Jun 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
All these things that aren't boobs and candy are really starting to piss me off.

Jun 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Everyone was so quick to point out the obvious typo in my "Meating in the conference room" email. Then I pelted them with bologna.

Jun 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My car's check engine light turned on, so I checked it. Yep, still there! Moving on.

Jun 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I hope no one I know ever has an emergency that they can't text me about. Because, answering my phone? No thanks.

Jun 1 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I could live in this house for a million years and still second guess which switch is for the garbage disposal every time.

May 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My car is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.

May 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so fucked.

May 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Tornado warnings outside. Good thing I got drunk enough to fight a tornado or else we'd be screwed.

May 18 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Bears can swim, climb trees, and open doors. Why aren't there "BEWARE OF BEARS" signs posted fucking everywhere?!

May 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Lady next to me in the hospital waiting room told me she has diarrhea. I must have one of those "tell me if you have diarrhea" faces.

May 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Someone should tell Pam at work that no one wants to hear how cool her boyfriend is unless she's dating a helicopter.

May 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Calling your baby ugly makes me rude? How about you making me look at your ugly baby makes YOU rude.

May 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I like to measure my workouts in terms of a reward system. For instance: I just ran 2.5 pizzas.

May 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Before I destroy a wasp's nest I like to capture a single wasp and tell it my entire diabolical plan.

May 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

May 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Televised weddings make televised golf look like the Super Bowl.

Part of a collection

May 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
In 2003 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

Apr 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
What do you do with your gum when there isn't a trash can/little kid's hair to throw it in?

Apr 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My arm is asleep. Let's draw mustaches on it.

Apr 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I hope none of these haystacks are sharing needles.

Apr 9 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

Apr 7 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
You don't need to tell me that I'm not your cup of tea. I am well aware that I'm not a cup of tea, idiot.

Mar 31 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If I were president my approval rating would be bananas, because as president I would change all rating systems to types of fruit.

Mar 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I think that limiting the nuggeting of animals to only chicken was a mistake.

Mar 27 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Flying around shitting on cars. Rock on, birds. Livin' the dream!

Mar 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy"

Mar 24 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I accidentally mixed the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in with the regular butter and NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!

Mar 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.

Mar 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I just met my 4 day old nephew yesterday, and today he acts like he doesn't even know me. Kids are assholes.

Mar 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

Mar 10 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I tell people to have a great weekend at noon on Mondays hoping they won't talk to me for the rest of the week.

Mar 8 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.

Mar 4 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.

Mar 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.

Mar 2 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you ever see a tweet that says "www@google.com", that's my grandma trying to use the internet. Leave her alone.

Feb 26 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell "YOU DON'T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION" and run away.

Feb 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you fucking weirdo.

Feb 23 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I just hit my snooze button so much it's probably pregnant.

Feb 22 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

Feb 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I typed something into Google on my phone then held it to my ear. I felt stupid at first, but now I'm kinda mad that that doesn't work.

Feb 20 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I want to be a "cool" uncle, so I let my nephew play with all the things I wasn't allowed to when I was his age. Mostly knives and bleach.

Feb 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When I get Cheeto dust on my fingers I use it to draw warpaint on my face. I am serious as fuck about my Cheetos.

Feb 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I never know what to do with my hands during sex. I just end up snapping my fingers along with the rhythm.

Feb 19 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I'm glad the pet stores close before the bar does. I could see drunken pet adoption being a real problem for me.

Feb 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Not looking at my phone during dinner will be the most romantic gesture I will make today.

Feb 12 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!

Feb 3 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I bet hipster zombies just act like regular people.

Jan 30 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
"Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"

Jan 29 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Hey guys, I think I just got murdered but I'm not sure, and WebMD is like ZERO help.

Jan 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
When I meet a celebrity I like to bring a ceiling fan with me so I can be all "Nice to meet you. Big fan".

Jan 28 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Hey Egypt: Try unplugging your modem for 30 seconds then plugging it back in. Trust me.

Jan 25 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
For what a college education costs these days, I think most kids would just prefer to buy a helicopter.

Jan 21 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The fabric of our lives? Why so epic, Cotton?

Jan 17 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
"I have a dream that my children will live in a nation... not judged by the color of their skin, but by their follower count on Twitter."

Jan 16 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The fact that the self-checkout computer doesn't say "This shit is bananas" when scanning bananas seems like a wasted opportunity.

Jan 14 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
IF YOU LIKE THAT FACEBOOK STATUS SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT?!

Jan 13 2011 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "Amigo". Am I in a gang now?

Dec 28 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Stores and their non-secular agendas have switched from selling Christmas stuff to Valentine's Day stuff, completely ignoring Toyotathon.

Dec 23 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
An awesome person fills you with awe, which stands to reason that a handsome person will fill you with hand.

Dec 15 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I saw on the news that when snorted, nutmeg becomes a mild hallucinogen. So I'm going to work today 'megged the fuck outta my mind.

Dec 12 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I've got the "turning beer into pee" routine perfected. Now if I can figure out how to reverse the process then I'll be rich!

Dec 6 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Anonymity on the internet allows us to be whatever we want to be, but I'm glad most of us went with "perverted idiot".

Nov 27 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that's all you'll have to make your kids think you're cool.

Nov 26 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Happy Birthday, black Jesus.

Nov 18 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Saw Harry Potter. *SPOILER ALERT* ZERO tits.

Nov 11 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If you aren't a Nazi right now, thank a veteran.

Nov 7 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Ever step on a Lego and then kill yourself just to make the pain stop?

Oct 21 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
If someone asks you what time it is they either: want to sleep with you; or are some kind of psycho that doesn't have a cellphone.

Oct 14 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Don't you hate it when you're running on a treadmill and then your butt gets really itchy and then you over-share on the internet?

Oct 7 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

Sep 29 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.

Sep 18 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
If at first you don't succeed, try drinking beer while you do it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

Sep 5 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I met my newborn neice for the first time last night and she didn't even remember me this morning. Bitch.

Aug 30 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
The best things in life are free. Fuck vowels.

Aug 24 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
LET'S GET ALL FUCKED UP ON HALLUCINOGENS AND REARRANGE OUR NETFLIX QUEUES!!!

Aug 14 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I think Jennifer Aniston was filmed on a green screen in 2003 and it gets released with a different background and co-star twice a year.

Aug 10 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I started a band with my dog. He barks while I eat Cheetos. It's indie, you wouldn't get it.

Aug 2 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Pro Tip: Ask the guy sitting next to you if he's gonna freak out about you watching fetish porn before you waste $8 on in-flight wifi.

Jul 29 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I've completed my 1st four year term as husband and have been elected to a 2nd. Let the lame duck husbandry begin.

Jul 28 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
My dog can eat more condoms than your honor student.

Jul 26 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I can't believe this guy took time away from his busy schedule of commenting on YouTube videos to make my McDonald's order wrong.

Jul 23 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Just dropped the kids off at the pool. Totally embarrassed them by peeing on them.

Jul 23 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
No matter how bad my head hurts, I bet Lindsay Lohan is jealous of my hangover.

Jul 20 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I always keep two kinds of birth control available: condoms (cling wrap), and "fancy" condoms (condoms).

Jul 16 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. 7 also got herpes from 14 and stabbed 23 through 30 in a gang fight.

Jul 15 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
She wants to know what I accomplished on my day off, but when I show her she yells at me for not flushing. Marriage is hard.

Jul 10 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

Jun 30 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Life called: They're all out of lemons. It's over.

Jun 29 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Jun 22 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
If we start referring to the oil spill as a "petrol spill" it sounds like an indie rock band and we can all just do drugs and chill.

Jun 16 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.

Jun 12 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
Number 1 best thing about waterparks: boobs. I'm sure there's a number 2 best thing, but #1 has got me pretty occupied at the moment.

Jun 4 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I can tell our waitress is a slut by the way she walks. Also by the way she fucked every dude I went to high school with.

May 30 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
The world has gotten so politically correct that I don't know what is appropriate to throw at a crying baby in a restaurant anymore.

May 26 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
If Neo would have taken the blue pill, The Matrix would've been the exact same movie, except he'd have had a hard on the whole time.

May 24 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I'd be worried about my privacy settings on Facebook too if I had as many pictures of my ugly baby as you do.

May 16 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
What is it about public bathrooms that brings out the white supremacist artist in people?

May 14 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I like to point at pregnant women's bellies and ask "makin a baby, huh?". Then point to mine and say "got some poop brewin over here".

May 13 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. If you didn't like it then you shoulda melted cheese on it.

May 8 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
It puts the vodka in its mouth or else it sees the ugly girls.

May 6 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
You've got 99 problems huh? Boo-Hoo. I have a mortgage and a shitty job. Now go fuck Beyonce in a $300,000 car.

May 4 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I put the ____ in a much larger segment of _____________________.

May 3 2010 Reply Favorite Retweet

@sucittaM
I've got 99 of everything, and my problem is hoarding and OCD OCD OCD OCD.

May 3 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, WOW! that one REALLY looked female.

Apr 30 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
This orgy would be a lot more fun if the people would loosen up and quit calling it an "elevator".

Apr 27 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
My clients have a 86% survival rate, which makes me an above-average babysitter.

Apr 26 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I bet if Jimmy cracked YOUR corn you'd care, you selfish son of a bitch.

Apr 20 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
How cute! Someone wrote "will you go to prom with me?" on my car. But they spelled it "I'm gonna kill you scumbag!". Ah, young love.

Apr 20 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Practicing for my audition tape for "MTV True Life: Let's go huff some fucking glue"

Apr 19 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
No adult entertainment companies around here that offer fireman strippers, so we're starting a fire and hoping a slutty one shows up.

Apr 18 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
One time the top popped off my blender when I was making a smoothie. So... Yeah Iceland, I get it.

Apr 18 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Nothing says "I hope your birthday sucks as much as you do" like an Applebees' gift card.

Apr 17 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Dear Johnson & Johnson: Ejacu-lotion Please DM me for my address to send royalties checks.

Apr 17 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
YES! Some of the breast augmentation websites aren't blocked at work! SWEET FREEDOM!!!

Apr 15 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
1) get drunk. 2) have sex. 3) leave taco bell. DONT TELL ME HOW TO PARTY!

Apr 15 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
"I'm Googling some people to play Wii with" -2010: normal. -1997: weird as fuck.

Apr 14 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
Let's be honest: When life gives you lemons, most of you just cry to the internet about it.

Apr 7 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.

Apr 6 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I look forward to using the phrase "I'm gonna fuck you til you're pregnant!" in bed when we decide to have kids.

Apr 4 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all "what's up fatty".

Mar 30 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I got a resume from a kid with the last name "Arriola". I'm bringing him in for an interview solely to make nipple jokes.

Mar 19 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
WHATS UP!! WHATS UP!!! All the bulimic bitches in the house say "BLAAARRGGGH!!!"

Mar 3 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
If I text "HAITI" to American Idol, will they send the contestants there?

Feb 21 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
guy who wrote the Folgers jingle never got woken up with a blowjob.

Feb 16 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I thought it was FRAT Tuesday! Now what am I supposed to do with all these popped collars?

Feb 11 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
I bet there would be a lot more wars if there weren't boobs. I haven't seen a boob in 2 days and I'm ready to kill someone.

Jan 23 2010 Retweet

@sucittaM
We could have saved 10 - 15 lives a year if Noah would have just said "ya know what, bears? No". Plus the Cubs wouldn't be a team.